How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science of Finding Love

by Logan Ury

While love may be a natural instinct, dating isn’t. We’re not born knowing how to choose the right partner.

*nods*

Great relationships are built, not discovered. A lasting relationship doesn’t just happen. It is the culmination of a series of decisions, including when to get out there, whom to date, how to end it with the wrong person, when to settle down with the right one, and everything in between.

Great relationships are built, not discovered. But our minds are often stuck in a trap, thinking that by combing through hundreds of options, we’ll be closer to knowing whether the one in front of us is “right.”

When it comes to romantic relationships, psychologist Renae Franiuk found that people have either a soul mate mindset, the belief that relationship satisfaction comes from finding the right person; or a work-it-out mindset, the belief that relationship success derives from putting in effort.

Romanticizers wait for love and won’t put effort in to create love.

When they start dating someone they believe is “the one,” their sky-high expectations can propel the relationship forward. But when the couple hits an inevitable obstacle—say, for instance, a particularly heated fight—they give up on the relationship rather than trying to overcome it.

In comparison, those with the work-it-out mindset believe that relationships take effort, that love is an action you take, not something that happens to you. People with the work-it-out mindset tend to fare better in relationships because when they stumble, they put in the work needed to get the relationship back on track, rather than giving up.

True!!

That very narrow view of this person’s looks holds you back from seeing the possibilities in front of you. If you’re not perfect, why should this person be?

Finding someone can be hard, but often the real challenge comes later. The hard part is the daily work you put in to grow and sustain a great relationship. The hard part is feeling excited to see your spouse at the end of the day, after thirty years and two kids, long after the honeymoon period is over. The hard part is remembering why you love someone during all the logistical, financial, emotional, and spiritual challenges life throws at you.

The magic of a relationship doesn’t depend on a serendipitous or cinematic meeting. The magic lies in the fact that two strangers come together and create a life. It’s not important where or how they met.

Many hours of a marriage are spent on the everyday, rarely posted minutiae of life: changing dirty diapers, doing laundry, and washing dishes. Love happens in these moments, not in spite of them. Love is so much more than a filtered photo captured at sunset.

Maximizers obsess over their decision-making. They trust that careful analysis will ultimately make their life better. But that’s not true. Not only are Satisficers able to make good decisions, they tend to wind up happier about them. That’s because—and it’s worth repeating—satisficing is not about settling.

Satisficers report feeling happier with their choices, even when they select an objectively worse option. (I mean, come on. Your friend’s Nespresso machine didn’t even make Wirecutter’s top picks!) That’s because Maximizers constantly second-guess themselves. They suffer doubly: first in the agony leading up to the decision, and again every time they worry they’ve made the wrong one.

“Maximizers make good decisions and end up feeling bad about them. Satisficers make good decisions and end up feeling good.”

What’s your goal? To have the world’s best coffee machine or to be happy? If it’s happiness you’re after, it’s the subjective experience, not the objective result, that really matters.

Fear paralyzes the Hesitaters: fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of not being good enough.

You’ll never be 100 percent ready for anything, including—and perhaps especially—dating.

SLAPPED

For Hesitaters, there’s a story in your head that one day you’ll wake up and feel ready. That story is fiction.

SLAPPED #2

When you wait to date, you’re missing out on more than you think. Economists often refer to the opportunity cost of decisions—the

SLAPPED#3

When it comes to dating, Hesitaters wait until they have more confidence, more money, more whatever. But they’re neglecting the opportunity cost of not starting.

SLAPPED#4

When you wait to date, and sit at home thinking about how you’re not ready yet, someone like you is going on a first date.

SLAPPED #4 FUCKKKK

The fact is, everyone has to make those rookie mistakes at first. You’re going to make them no matter when you start dating, so you might as well start making them now.

Behavioral science warns us of the dreaded intention-action gap, when we intend to do something but don’t take the steps to make it happen.

Pay attention the next time you’re having dinner with a friend: How much are you focusing inward (How am I coming across?) versus really listening and being curious (What is this person trying to communicate?)?

we found ways to improve his self-esteem by focusing on his best qualities—like

Learn to be your own cheerleader. Learn to use that compassionate tone with yourself.

While we instinctively prefer reversible decisions to irreversible ones, this flexibility often make us less happy in the long run. We’d rather be able to change our minds—return our new phone, switch our flight to a different day, reply “maybe” to an event. But it turns out, just like the students who could switch their pictures, we’re less committed to choices we think we can reverse, and commitment is crucial for happiness.

They develop into avoidantly attached adults: They try to minimize the pain of rejection by pretending they don’t actually want to connect. They don’t believe they can rely on others to meet their emotional needs, so they avoid getting too close to anyone.

SLAPPED

If you’ve heard someone say, “I’m not ready to commit” or “I just need space” or “My job is really demanding so I can’t see you right now,” then you’ve experienced avoidantly attached behavior.

WOY WOY WOY JANGAN EXPOSE GW DONG

The problem is that while securely attached people make up 50 percent of the general population, there are far fewer in the single population.

NAURRRR

That’s because secure people tend to get snatched up quickly. They’re good at building healthy relationships, so they tend to stay in them.

Oh this makes sense

And for those of you who are avoidantly attached, pay attention to your feelings when you sense yourself withdrawing. Learn to ask for space instead of disappearing into space.

a helpful rule of thumb for those of you who want to have children: You should deliberately change the way you evaluate potential partners around six to eight years before you want to have kids.

Instead of asking, “What did you think of him?” ask, “What did you think of me around him?”

The first step in fighting well is understanding that there are two types of problems in relationships: solvable problems and perpetual ones—unsolvable, permanent features of your partnership. John Gottman discovered that 69 percent of all relationship conflicts are perpetual.

“Your homework is to focus on how you want to feel in your relationship.”

I thought I knew what I wanted and what would make me happy in a long-term relationship. And I believed I could accurately evaluate someone based on a few photos.

Slapped again lol

While people have always prized certain superficial traits, the apps make us think they’re even more important simply by measuring, presenting, and emphasizing them.

evaluability: The easier it is to compare certain traits, the more important those traits seem.

Instead, the quality that men cared about most when evaluating attractiveness was body mass index (BMI).

The fuck

Most of us have no idea what kind of partner will fulfill us long term.

HAHSHAHAHSHA

When we have only a rough perception of someone, our brain, hoping for a great outcome, fills in all the gaps optimistically. People seem way more desirable than they actually are. It’s only later, when they transform into real people standing in front of us, that we see the flaws.

Just because you know where people have been or where they are now doesn’t mean you know where they’re going.

Even if you have a super-busy day, try to set aside fifteen minutes to respond to messages, maybe during your commute or when you’re procrastinating at work. You want to keep the momentum going.

The point is to practice meeting new people, even if you’re not attracted to them. That way, when you meet someone you like, you’ll feel confident.

Ladies, don’t worry about making the first move. Most men are thrilled to be approached by a woman, and if they’re turned off by displays of boldness and confidence, they’re not right for you anyway.

YASHHHH

If you’re worried about navigating the line between “flirty” and “creepy,” stick with “friendly” and let the other person steer the conversation toward something more.

Our instinct to avoid conversations with strangers is wrong. We only think we want solitude. We underestimate how much joy social connection can bring.

one of the most important lessons of behavioral science: The environment in which we make our choices matters.

Dating well requires time and effort, and it’s not always enjoyable. It sucks to get rejected or find yourself let down yet again.