How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science of Finding Love

by Logan Ury

But just because dating requires work doesn’t mean it has to mimic what you do at work. This is not a networking meeting or a job interview. You should not conduct yourself the same way you do at work.

Whether you believe the date will go well or poorly, you are right. You’re self-sabotaging if your pre-date mantra sounds something like: “Obviously, this isn’t going to work. It hasn’t worked the last hundred dates.”

AAAAAAAAAADFHVBNK

And try sitting next to—rather than across from—your date. Have you ever opened up to someone on a long drive? Or noticed that it feels easier to talk to a friend while walking side by side, when you’re not making direct eye contact? That’s because it’s easier to talk when we’re not looking someone in the eyes.

IS THIS WHY GUYS ALWAYS TRY TO SIT NEXT TO ME INSTEAD OF ACROSS ME??? THEY WANNA TALK??

But your goal here isn’t to make things as comfortable as possible. It’s to find a great person to build a relationship with. Going on dates like these is going to help you get there.

One great way to show your effort is to offer to plan the date, or to choose a place near the other person’s home or work.

During the date, mention the thought that you put into particular decisions. Say: “I chose this Peruvian place because you wrote on your profile that it was your dream to visit Machu Picchu.” People will appreciate the effort, and your thoughtfulness will help you stand out.

By skipping the getting-to-know-you small talk and diving straight into the type of conversation that friends (or lovers!) might have, you take a shortcut to intimacy.

Most of us listen in order to formulate our own responses, which puts the focus back on us. The goal is to understand rather than merely waiting for your turn to talk.

The Post-Date Eight What side of me did they bring out? How did my body feel during the date? Stiff, relaxed, or something in between? Do I feel more energized or de-energized than I did before the date? Is there something about them I’m curious about? Did they make me laugh? Did I feel heard? Did I feel attractive in their presence? Did I feel captivated, bored, or something in between?

Fireworks and instant chemistry are often absent at the beginning of a relationship. Good sex and chemistry can build over time.

As a slow-burner type of person, I AGREEEEEE

That’s because the more we see something, the more we like it. Psychologists call this the mere exposure effect. Exposure breeds familiarity. We’re attracted to (and feel safe around) familiar things and people.

“I wasn’t feeling it at first,” she told me. “But he grew on me. It took time for those feelings to develop,

*nods heavily*

When we first meet people, we evaluate them on their mate value—their overall attractiveness and how they carry themselves. As we get to know and share experiences with them, we discover their unique value—who they are on the inside.

Don’t pursue the wrong relationship because you met the “right” way.

The spark isn’t a bad thing in and of itself. It can be a useful signal that you’re attracted to someone.

The important thing to remember is that its absence doesn’t predict failure, and its presence doesn’t guarantee success.

Slow burns take time to warm up, but they’re worth the wait.

One such bias is the fundamental-attribution error, our tendency to believe someone’s actions reflect who they are rather than the circumstances.

Psychologist Shawn Achor’s research on gratitude journals found that simply writing down three new things you are grateful for, every night for three weeks, will start to change the way your brain perceives the world.

Maybe i should REALLY try this (i used to think that this was pointless)

When you’re on a first date, you’re not looking to fill the position of life partner, you’re looking to decide whether or not you want a second date. That’s it.

People often ghost because they think they’re avoiding an awkward situation and protecting that person’s feelings. But that’s just not true. Ghosting is awkward. Plus, it’s hurtful and leaves the other person in limbo.

GW TERTAMPAR LAGI

Ghosting makes “ghosters” feel worse than if they’d been up front with their feelings.

FAKKKKLL

People ghost to avoid feeling awkward. Yet, in accordance with self-perception theory, after people ghost they look at their actions and think, I did kind of a mean thing. I might be a dick. And then they feel worse about themselves.

ANJRIITTTT

When people ghost, they think they’re taking the easy path for themselves. But they’re wrong. If we instead choose the kind, up-front, polite path, we get positive reinforcement.

decision point: a moment that interrupts our automatic behavior and gives us an opportunity to make a conscious choice.

Deciding means making intentional choices about relationship transitions, like becoming exclusive or having children.

Sliding entails slipping into the next stage without giving it much thought.

In her mind, meeting James’s family and friends and going away together meant they were in an exclusive relationship. She’d deleted her apps and told her mom she had a boyfriend. But James had a different perspective: They were not exclusive until they’d explicitly had the talk.

I am james sorry

They avoid bringing up the DTR because it feels awkward, or they’re scared they’ll ruin things.

In order to gain the insight you need to make the right choice for yourself, you must DTR.

One trick for tough talks is to start by announcing how awkward you feel. This alerts the person to the fact that you feel vulnerable, which helps elicit a more empathetic response.

The way you handle the DTR will have an impact on your future relationship, whether or not you decide to make it official at that moment. If you want a relationship, and you discover the other person does, too, you’ll feel happy and relieved. But what if you don’t get the answer you’re looking for? Make sure you thank them for sharing, even if you’re disappointed with the news.

cohabitation can lead to marriages (and subsequent divorces) that wouldn’t have occurred if the couple hadn’t moved in together.

Moving in together makes it harder to be honest with yourself about the quality of the relationship because the cost of separating goes up significantly.

Sometimes moving in means one thing to one person and something completely different to the other one. But without this type of conversation, a couple may not discover the misalignment until it’s too late and they’ve already signed the lease.

Some tend to stick around in relationships that aren’t working. I call these people Hitchers.

people who tend to leave relationships too soon, without giving them a chance to grow—Ditchers.

when we estimate how something will feel in the future, we tend to focus on the initial impact.

Ditchers make the same mistake with love. Thanks to the transition rule, they confuse falling in love with the state of being in love, and they expect the whole relationship to offer that initial excitement. But people adapt. Being in love is less intense than falling into it.

Ditchers believe the feeling of falling in love will last forever. When they experience that shift from falling to being, they interpret it as a mark of disaster for their relationship. Over and over, they panic and leave, chasing the high of new romance.

If you’re planning on ending the relationship, every day you wait, you’re wasting their time, too.

When you’re depleted, there’s not much left to give. Instead, ask less from your relationship—temporarily—while you sort out other parts of your life.

Focus on yourself first. We’re most able to love when we feel complete.

THIS IS WHAT I MEAN!!!!

But that night, when I really reflected on my behavior, I realized how much I’d asked him to change for our relationship without being willing to put in the work myself.

We made our relationship a bigger priority in our lives. We tended to it. We fixed it instead of giving up on it.

I love storie like these

The decision to stay or leave, end it or mend it, is challenging. But if you’re confident you want to break up, it’s vital you take the other person’s feelings into consideration when you do

When people don’t execute on their goals, it’s usually because they’re missing a plan.

This is so real

capture your feelings during this peak so you can steel yourself later on, when motivation drops.

Consider your timing. You’re about to detonate a bomb in someone else’s life. You know this is coming; they don’t.

Don’t break up with someone the day before they have to take a big exam, or give a presentation, or interview for a new job.

SIDE EYEING ONE OF MY EXES RN