How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science of Finding Love

by Logan Ury

Delay within reason. Don’t push back the conversation for months if your partner has a super-stressful job with nonstop important meetings, but don’t be a dick.

But if they say, “What’s wrong with me?” don’t answer. Here’s why: They’re the wrong person for you, but there’s nothing inherently “wrong” with them, and even if there is, you’re not in a position to say that. You’re a very biased source at this point.

You can share reasons why you don’t want to stay together—for example, you bring out an anxious side of each other, fight all the time, or repeatedly asked the other person to work on certain issues in the relationship and they refused—but you’re not the ultimate authority on what’s “good” and “bad” about them. The same advice holds if they ask what they did wrong. This is a breakup, not a feedback session.

narrative fallacy. Our brain tries to create a cause-and-effect story to explain the events we witness and experience, even when that story is false.

If you find yourself put on the spot, say something about the fact that you respect them, and you don’t think this will work long term, so you don’t want to waste their time.

social accountability system. With this technique, you ask others to hold you responsible to the goal you’ve set for yourself.

If you involve a friend, you make this goal about committing to them, not just to yourself.

Even if that happens, resist the urge to check in on your ex too much, especially in the first few weeks after a breakup.

“There’s a terrible phenomenon of the Nice Breakup Person. We hear a lot about the horrible breakup person, but we don’t hear so much about the nice person who stays around, who keeps calling you on your birthday, etc.”

Don’t be “nice” just to make yourself feel better. Give them space to move on.

The framing effect is our tendency to evaluate things differently based on how they’re presented—whether

One of the reasons breakups are so painful is because our brain is hypersensitive to loss. And breakups are a dramatic loss.

You’re grieving the loss of what was, what no longer is, and what will never be. No wonder, thanks to loss aversion, we do so much to steer clear of them.

Remember, your brain is your friend, and it’s really quite good at helping you rationalize and get over things.

Focus on the dark to find the light. Journal about the negative aspects of the relationship.

Try to not see the breakup as a failure but, rather, as a chance to make better decisions in the future. Update your thinking from “Time heals all wounds” to “Meaning heals all wounds.”

It’s not just about waiting until you’ve been with the person for a longer period of time. It also might pay to get married when you’re a bit older.

“Remarkably, less than half of the interfaith couples in my survey said they’d discussed, before marrying, what faith they planned to raise their kids in.”

Oh reminds me of my aunt's

false-consensus effect—a tendency to assume that the majority of others agree with our own values, beliefs, and behaviors.

In a relationship, we take it for granted that our partner sees the world the same way we do—and therefore wants the same things, whether it’s how many kids to have or where to live or how to spend or save money. The drug of infatuation, combined with the false-consensus effect, leads a lot of couples to skip crucial pre-marital conversations. So, no, being in love is not enough. It’s time to think critically about whether you should get married.

Read through your responses. But instead of reviewing them as yourself, pretend you’re reading what your best friend wrote about her relationship.

And if you don’t feel ready to get married, that does not spell disaster. You may simply need to spend more time investing in the relationship before you’re ready for the next stage. There’s no point in rushing such a momentous decision.

“Will…,” I wrote on the board as Scott read the first card. “You… be… my…” I covered my face with my hands as I waited for the final card. “Wife.”

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Even if you have a strong relationship today, your relationship may fail if you don’t adapt. Your life or your partner’s life might take an unpredictable course. Creating a relationship that can evolve is the key to making it last.

And just as we, as individuals, will continue to change over the course of our lives, so will our relationships.

Psychologists Jesse Owen, Galena Rhoades, and Scott Stanley observed that couples who take the time to talk through big decisions are happier than those who don’t.

“The quality of your relationships determines the quality of your life. Relationships are your story, write well, and edit often.”

We ask each other these three questions: How was your last week? Did you feel supported by me? How can I support you in the coming week?