Never Eat Alone, Expanded and Updated: And Other Secrets to Success, One Relationship at a Time

by Keith Ferrazzi

Successful communication depends, according to the model, on the degree to which we can align ourselves and our windows to match those we interact with.

The concept of the Johari Window has helped me become conscious of my need to adapt my conversational approach to each person I want to connect with.

Take the initiative and be the first person to say hello. This demonstrates confidence and immediately shows your interest in the other person.

And always, always, remember the other person’s name. Nothing is sweeter to someone’s ears than his own name.

Remember people’s names. Be a good listener. Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain.

What do you really want?

It provides the blueprint for all your efforts to reach out and connect with others.

I try to find out what motivations drive that person. It often comes down to one of three things: making money, finding love, or changing the world.

The most successful relationship builders are, indeed, a nifty amalgam of financial guru, sex therapist, and all-around do-gooder.

Every person’s deepest lifelong desire is to be significant and to be recognized.

Loyalty may be the forgotten virtue of the modern age, but it remains the hallmark of any strong relationship and a value many companies are working hard to bring into their day-to-day practices.

“Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him.”

“there are three things in this world that engender deep emotional bonds between people. They are health, wealth, and children.”

The highest human need, said Maslow, is for self-actualization—the desire to become the best you can be.

like the necessities of subsistence, security, and sex.

Sometimes, all it requires is taking an interest and providing emotional support.

People’s children mean everything to them.

Hell hath no fury like a person for whom you’ve promised the most intimate of help and delivered none.

You can be sure your network will broadcast your true colors very quickly and with lasting effects to all its members.

Grant has found that people fall into one of three orientations: There are givers, who seek opportunities to give to others without expectation of anything in return; takers, who hoard resources and look for ways others can serve them; and finally matchers, who like to give as much as they get.

And at Deloitte, as in all organizations, it isn’t easy getting things done when your peers dislike you.

Think of it as a game. When someone mentions a problem, try to think of solutions.

In other words, if you want to make friends and get things done, you have to put yourself out to do things for other people—things that require time, energy, and consideration.

The ability to bridge different worlds, and even different people within the same profession, is a key attribute in managers who are paid better and promoted faster, according to an influential study conducted by Ron Burt, a professor at the University of Chicago Graduate School of Business.

Getting things done and climbing the walls of your company require having the right relationships.

You can be more successful in two months by becoming really interested in other people’s success than you can in two years trying to get other people interested in your own success.

You have to feed the fire of your network or it will wither or die.

These days we’re overwhelmed with so much information that our minds can prioritize only the most recent data.

repetition.

e-mail at least once a month.

The governing principle here is repetition; find a way to ensure that you’ll contact people regularly without putting too much strain on your schedule.

All successful people are planners.

Each time I reach out to a person, I like to include a very short note next to their name telling me the last time I contacted them and how.

Most people are delighted, and their curiosity piqued, when someone they don’t know all that well sends them a note, however short.

Every message you send needs a gut check: How will this look coming into someone’s news feed or in-box?

Constantly look to maximize both relevancy and intimacy.

But always try to make any message as personal as possible.

We’ve been conditioned since childhood, despite our best efforts to be “birthday Scrooges” in adult life, that that day is all about you.

Every individual within a particular peer set has a bridge to someone outside his or her own group of friends.

We all have, to some degree or another, developed relationships with older, wiser, more experienced people; they may be our mentors, our parents’ friends, our teachers, our rabbis and reverends, our bosses.

Information loses value so quickly that it makes more sense to trade it than hoard it, so bankable information is free flowing, gushing, online.

Does your Stream—your flow of content, from intimates and the Fringe alike—make you laugh, provide support, surprise and educate you, promote wellness, find you jobs?

We live our lives in networks. Being conscious about shaping that network determines the value of the information that will come your way.

Physical meetings, during which we can’t cloak ourselves in anonymity or edit ourselves before hitting Send, have more authenticity, and that alone promotes trust, as does (potentially) the context in which you meet.

She provides the singular service of organizing the disorganized—creating community out of disparate network nodes.

Instead, look for great ideas, uncommon smarts, fresh faces, and an openness to a two-way relationship.

People like to blame technology for turning us into mindless addicts, but the truth is, we’ve always been mindless addicts. Life is stressful, and sometimes a HoHo just does the trick. (Insert your own “drug” of choice.) Social media is just one more tasty treat available now in incredible overabundance.

Articles, blog posts, profiles, status updates—every bit and byte that’s produced and associated with you and your name adds up to something.

Here’s my formula: GENEROSITY + VULNERABILITY + ACCOUNTABILITY + CANDOR = TRUST

GVAC—my shorthand for those critical traits generosity, vulnerability, accountability, and candor.