The Let Them Theory: A Life-Changing Tool That Millions of People Can't Stop Talking About

by Mel Robbins

Both people want the relationship to work and are both willing to work on it to make it better. The issues that create problems do not require either person to give up their dreams or compromise their values.

Sometimes you have to end things before they end you. If you know what your dreams are in life, you deserve and need relationships that support you in achieving them. If you stay with someone who doesn’t share the same hopes and dreams that you have. It will make you both miserable.

The worst thing someone can say to you when a relationship has just ended is that you should focus on “loving yourself.” That is the world’s worst advice, because when you’re going through heartbreak, you often hate yourself.

It hurts so deeply because everything about them is intertwined in your nervous system. They have been a part of you and you have been a part of them for a long time. It is why you can still feel their presence and you can hear their voice. You are so used to talking to them every day, and so you naturally want to reach out. Yes, you miss them but your nervous system always misses them and the ways in which they’ve become intertwined with your experience of life. This is normal.

No contact for 30 days.

The reason is that any contact at all—seeing a photo, hearing their voice—will activate all the old patterns in your nervous system, and will really force you to take a step back in your process of unlearning life with this person.

Let Me grieve. Let Me cry in my bed for days. Let Me tell the story over and over of how it ended. Let Me resist reaching out. Let Me be in a depressive state.

because it is not time that heals. It is what you do with that time that matters:

Remove all environmental triggers.

Give your bedroom a small makeover.

Reach out to friends, siblings, cousins, and co-workers.

There is an empty space that this person left that needs to be filled. You need support, so ask for it. There is nothing to be embarrassed about.

Fill your calendar.

Nothing is worse for a breakup than an idle mind. If you don’t have things to keep you busy, you will busy yourself by thinking about them.

Pick a challenge you have always wanted to do.

Keep asking yourself this question.

If you knew the love of your life was around the corner and this breakup was bringing you one step closer to meeting them, how would you spend your nights and weekends while you are single?

It’s a huge mistake to use a heartbreak as an excuse to lose weight or get jacked at the gym or somehow make yourself more attractive with the hope of winning your ex back or rubbing it in their face as you get hot. Don’t do that. It means you are still chasing your ex and they are still very much part of your day-to-day motivation.

A relationship doesn’t make you worthy of love. Your existence does.

The foundation of these incredible relationships lies in how you treat yourself.

This isn’t about becoming self-centered or shutting others out. It’s about recognizing that the love, respect, and care you give yourself set the standard for every other relationship in your life. When you stop chasing validation from others and start choosing to honor yourself, you send a powerful message to the world about how you deserve to be treated.

Let Me prioritize my own happiness. Let Me pursue my dreams with passion. Let Me set boundaries that protect my peace. Let Me choose relationships that uplift and inspire me. Let Me love myself enough to walk away when it no longer works.

someone for who they are, not for who you wish they could be.

changing how you show up. It is then that you open yourself up to attracting the love you truly deserve and showing up differently in your existing relationships, so that deeper love is possible. Welcome to your metamorphosis.

The truth is simple: YOU hold the power. And YOU are the one who has been giving it away.

No matter what happens around you, you decide how it will affect you.

You decide if a comment from a loved one destroys your self-esteem or rolls off your back. You decide if all the bad dates you’ve been on cause you to lower your standards or become even more discerning. You decide if someone else’s success makes you quit or inspires you to work even harder. It’s that simple. You have the power.

If you don’t use Let Them, you are allowing yourself to be impacted by the worries, actions, insecurities, and opinions of others. If you don’t use Let Me, you are leaving the things you want in life up to chance.

Every day that you allow your fear of somebody else’s opinion, stress over friendships, or concern about how someone will react to prevent you from making the phone call, filling out the application, working on the business plan, starting the diet, or putting in the effort, you’re holding yourself back.

The most important part of the Let Them Theory is understanding that you are responsible for your own happiness. You are responsible for the energy you bring and how you show up. You are responsible for waking up every day and doing the work to make progress on what matters. You are responsible for defining what matters to you. You are responsible for telling the truth even when it’s really hard. You are responsible for paying for your life. Nobody owes you anything, but you owe yourself everything.

It won’t be easy. It’s not like the second you start saying Let Them, you get everything you’ve ever wanted.