The Let Them Theory: A Life-Changing Tool That Millions of People Can't Stop Talking About

by Mel Robbins

immediate positive rewards after someone does something hard will boost their intrinsic motivation or desire to do it again. When

The most important change in any relationship is the one that you can control: yours. You change how you showed up. You stop pressuring the person that you love and become more loving. That’s what makes you powerful.

Pressure doesn’t create change; it creates resistance to it. You are acting with the best of intentions, but it is yielding the worst result. Every time you pressure someone, it pushes them away.

The tension and disconnection are being created by your pressure.

Anytime someone feels like they are being forced to do something, they will fight back—and

When people are struggling, they have a lot of shame and are often in denial about

Allowing someone to face the natural consequences of their actions is a necessary part of healing.

When you are dealing with a child, you are responsible for their emotional, financial, and physical support. When you are dealing with an adult, you are not.

People only heal when they are ready to do it for themselves. These are deeply personal, difficult battles. . . and they can only be fought by that person when they’re ready to fight. You cannot make them fight. You cannot make them get sober. You cannot make someone financially responsible. You cannot make them heal.

The more you judge someone for their behavior, the better they will get at lying to you about it.

The Let Them Theory teaches you that helping others doesn’t mean solving their problems for them—it means giving them the space, support, and tools to do it themselves.

from a neuroscience perspective, someone between the ages of 18 and 25 still needs a lot of guidance.

You can soothe someone in the moment by giving them a hug, or sitting with them while they cry, or listening until they feel calm and present, but you can’t get them out of a chronically stressed state. They are going to have to do the work to get there themselves.

Let people learn from life. Don’t shield them from the consequences of what they choose.

avoidance is a habit and coping mechanism that is very common when someone is confronted.

Your loved one is going to avoid situations, conversations, or behavior changes that feel hard. It’s human nature to reach for what feels easy and move away from facing what is difficult.

And if you always swoop in and rescue someone, they will start expecting you to do it when life gets hard. But if they see themselves moment by moment, day by day, facing the hard and scary things in life with you by their side, you teach them that they are capable of doing things that are way beyond what they see for themselves.

you face it.” Supporting people through struggle is very hard to do. It is draining. It takes a lot of time and patience. It is frustrating. That is why a lot of us resort to enabling or rescuing people.

The first step to changing your life is taking responsibility for the fact that your life isn’t working. That’s why you need to let the people that you love face reality, not help them run from it. It’s your job to love them, and believe in their ability to do the work, and support them from a safe distance, which is what Chris’s brother did. Because just like there are a million ways to solve a problem, there are also a million ways to provide support.

Here are some examples of things you can do: show up at their doorstep, drop off dinner, help them clean up their apartment, fill their fridge with healthy food, walk into their bedroom and pull the shades open and lift up the windows to let the air in, do their laundry, make a playlist of great songs, send them podcast episodes that will help give them hope, send them care packages filled with thoughtful and nurturing things, or buy them a digital picture frame and load up photos so in their environment they

Using the Let Them Theory, you must step back and allow adults to face and feel the natural consequences of their actions. Instead of rescuing, offer support with conditions. This approach helps them take responsibility for their own healing and growth, and demonstrates your belief in their innate ability to get better and do better.

The reality is, adults choose who and how they love, and sometimes they won’t choose you. People’s behavior tells the truth about how they feel about you. Too often, you chase love—or the potential for what you think it could be—and end up compromising on your values. By chasing love, you chase away the deep and meaningful relationship you’re worthy of.

When the heart is involved, logic goes out the window.

Finding love is more about saying no than it is about saying yes.

When you are brave enough to be yourself, you are in control—because you’re the one who is choosing who gets your time and energy, and who doesn’t. That is where your power lies.

Dating helps you learn more about yourself and what you want and don’t want. One person at a time, you are learning what you like and what you don’t. That’s why every single experience that you have—even the really crappy ones—teaches you something important.

People choose who and how they love, and sometimes it won’t be you.

But never forget: You get to choose who and how you love too. You

Let Them confuse you.

And here’s how you know you’re chasing it: You’re the one that is always texting, calling, and reaching out.

Let Them ghost you. Let Me move on.

The only way you learn who someone is and where you stand in their life is by watching their behavior.

One question that you can always ask yourself to snap out of the dating fog is: If your best friend were being treated this way, what would you tell them?

Let Me remind myself that I don’t want to be dating someone who is not choosing me back. One of the most important signs of a healthy relationship is that it is mutual.

You must let their behavior be the clear message. Letting Them is the easy part. Let Me is the hard part, because you don’t want to see the truth. Let Me see them for who they are. Let Me accept the truth in their behavior—I am not a priority. Stop choosing to chase people who clearly do not want to be with you. If they are not making an effort, they are not worth yours.

Research shows that people subconsciously pick the same type of person to chase time and time again based on previous relationships and childhood experiences.

single for the next year and focus on figuring out how to be happy by yourself and to heal.

You deserve an incredible love story, but you will not create it until you figure out the root cause of why you keep choosing people who are not healthy or won’t commit to you.

Never feel bad about asking for what you deserve. Never hint about something as important as a commitment. Being able to have honest conversations is the foundation of a loving and healthy relationship.

She focused on the value of her time and what she was looking for.

This isn’t about getting the answer that you want. It’s about getting the truth about where you stand. This isn’t a particularly emotional conversation. It’s about the facts of what is worth your time, and what is not.

If you choose to stay in this after they’ve told you they don’t want the same things you want, that’s on you. If you stay in something after they won’t commit, the next phone call should be to your therapist, because there is something deeper going on.

Do not accept the table scraps.

Let Me end a relationship with someone who won’t commit. Let Me trust this is another step in the direction of choosing the love I deserve. Let Me stop chasing the potential of this and see the reality. Let Me believe that I just took one step closer to the right person. Let Me take my power back, because the love of my life is right around the corner.

No one is perfect, no relationship is perfect, and every relationship changes with time.

Admitting that a relationship is not working is one of the hardest things in the world to do, especially if you’re in love with them.

But. . . what happens if you follow the ABC Loop, and you wait patiently for six months, and nothing changes? It means that your partner doesn’t feel like changing. Their behavior tells you that. So, you have a choice. Because you always have power if you focus on your response. You’ve followed ABC. Now it’s time for you to move to the next two parts: D and E.

You can choose whether or not this is a deal breaker. A deal breaker is something you can’t live with for the rest of your life. Here’s how you figure that out. Ask yourself: Could you be with this person for the rest of your life if they never, ever change?

Can you stop complaining about this issue, for real? Can you stop griping to yourself, holding it over their head, and acting in a passive-aggressive way and complaining to your friends?

There’s a difference between being committed to someone, and being compatible with them.