The Let Them Theory: A Life-Changing Tool That Millions of People Can't Stop Talking About

by Mel Robbins

You are so much stronger than anyone’s opinions about you.

even when you bend over backward and try to please everyone, and make it work, even THAT won’t guarantee that other people will think a positive thought.

be the person who bends over backward to make everyone happy.

Someone is always going to be disappointed by the decisions that you make. Don’t ever let it be you that’s disappointed. And don’t let guilt drive your decisions.

All expectations for how the household runs when new individuals are introduced are thrown out the window. Change can be really hard to accept. Especially for the kids who are being forced to just accept this change and operate as one big happy blended family.

Let Them see you (and your kids) as a threat, because no matter how good your intentions are, you are a threat. They have to compete with you for time with the parent. It’s true. They are seeking control, just like you are. Let Them feel their emotions. Let Them have time alone with their parent. If they don’t like you, Let Them.

One reason why it’s so challenging to navigate these types of situations is because you both believe you are right. From their lived experience, or Frame of Reference, they believe their opinion is right. From your lived experience, or Frame of Reference, you know your opinion is right.

By learning to focus on what you can control—your thoughts, your actions, your energy, your healing—you unlock the power to change not only yourself but the world around you. It all starts with you. That’s how much power you have. Anytime you improve yourself, it improves all your relationships. And this is particularly true with family.

One of the things that I have determined for myself is that it is important for me to have a close relationship with my family. And wasting my time and energy allowing them to stress me out or trying to control situations that are beyond my control is a waste of time.

Let Them. When you recognize that, you have a choice in your life. Let your family be who they are. Your dad is not changing. Your mom is not changing. Your siblings aren’t changing. Your in-laws aren’t changing. The only person you can change is you.

When you say Let Them, you give other people the space to feel their emotions without needing to fix them. When you say Let Me, you do what’s right for you, even if it upsets someone, which is how you take responsibility for your own life.

Emotional maturity isn’t something you’re born with or that just happens. It’s a skill that takes time, practice, and a desire to learn.

It is your responsibility to help a child regulate their emotional responses in a healthy way. It is also your responsibility to teach a child that emotions are normal and how to process them.

They use the silent treatment because they don’t know how to process their own emotions, and they are trying to get you to come over to them and ask what’s wrong so they don’t have to do it for themselves.

“hoping someone will change is what keeps you trapped in a relationship with someone who is emotionally immature or worse, emotionally abusive.” This has nothing to do with you. This person is not changing. You are the one who needs to change.

You will also realize that their inability to process normal human emotions like sadness, insecurity, disappointment, anger, fear, and rejection is not your fault. And it’s also not your problem to solve. This has been happening to this person since they were a child.

Let Them go silent. Let Them erupt. Let Them play the victim. Let Them sulk. Let Them deny that it happened. Let Them make it all about them. Then, Let Me. Let Me be the mature, wise, and loving adult in this situation. Let Me decide if I want to address this directly or not at all. Let Me remind myself that managing another person’s emotions is not my job. Let Me remove myself from any text chain, dinner table conversation, relationship, or friend group where this is happening. Instead of expecting

The more time you pour into a relationship with someone who acts like an eight-year-old, the more you’re going to feel like a parent to a child. When you recognize that you are dealing with someone who has a lot of internal work to do, you can draw healthier boundaries around the amount of time and energy you are willing to give to them.

learning to feel my raw emotions without immediately reacting. It’s hard. I still catch myself wanting to snap back or immediately take control of the situation. . . all the time. And yes, I still get frustrated when I slip up. But that’s the point: It’s not about being perfect; it’s about being kind to yourself and continuing to grow.

When you feel your emotions rising up, Let Them. Allow the anger, the frustration, the hurt, the disappointment, the sadness, the grief, the tears, and the feelings of failure to come up. Let Them. And then, Let Me not react.

Don’t reach for your phone. Don’t turn on the TV. Don’t make a drink. Don’t open the fridge. And for crying out loud, don’t text anyone. Just notice the feelings and Let Them rise up. The reason why you must learn how to Let Them rise is that once they do, they also fall.

And one more thing to understand is that whenever you or another person are hungry, or tired, or stressed-out, or under the influence, or lonely, or angry, or hurt, you’ll be even more emotional.

And there will be times when making the right decision for yourself is going to be one of the hardest things you have to do in life.

Just because the right decision seems clear, doesn’t always mean it’s an easy decision to make.

Too often in life, when you’re in that dilemma, you choose to inflict the pain on yourself instead of making a decision that you know is right for you but is going to be painful for other people to accept.

You can’t let your emotions drive your decisions, because they will often stop you from making the right decisions.

But easier now makes it way harder later. Avoiding the hard conversations now won’t make them any better next year. In fact, from experience I can tell you that the longer you wait, the more painful it gets.

and bad moods, so you just avoid them. But here’s the thing, you’re not avoiding confrontation—you’re avoiding someone else’s emotions. The only conflict is the conflict you’re going to feel internally about how your decisions are going to impact other people emotionally and how they’re going to react.

And then slowly, as you Let Them feel whatever they need to feel, and you let yourself feel whatever you need to feel, and you don’t try to control it or avoid it or change it, life has a way of going back to a new normal.

Never let someone else’s emotional reactions keep you from making the hard decision. Let Me be honest with myself and others. Let Me do the hard thing that is painful now, because it is the right thing to do and will save me from so much pain later. Let Me

Because worrying about it, or making yourself feel bad, is an insult to your intelligence. You can figure out how to win. You can learn how to work with what you’ve got and start where you are and create anything you want in life.

Winning the game of life requires you to focus on the cards you have and choosing what to do with them.

Is there anything you can do in the next 30 seconds to change this? If not, you’re never going to be able to change these things.

Upward comparison is this tendency to measure yourself against people and their attributes that you think are better than yours. Research shows it destroys your self-esteem.

When you see comparison as a teacher, you’ll realize other people aren’t taking anything from you; they are giving something to you. Other people have this beautiful capacity to show you pieces of your future that you cannot fully see for yourself yet. They show you possibilities that you didn’t realize existed or told yourself you are incapable of achieving.

Comparison shows you the areas of your life that need more of your attention.

To be successful, to lose weight, to write a book, or to become a YouTuber, you have to show up every day and do the boring, irritating, and uncomfortable work. You’ve got to put in the reps.

The reason why these people make you so angry is because you know you could do it too. And you are just mad that you didn’t start doing it a long time ago. The fact is, inspiration is not enough to get you motivated to do something.

your life is your responsibility.

Problem: When you focus on how unfair life seems and compare yourself to others, you waste your precious time and energy on things beyond your control. You let others’ success paralyze you, leaving you stuck, and feeling behind and frustrated. This mindset fuels procrastination and perfectionism, preventing you from taking action to create your own success.

Comparing yourself to others is a natural instinct; but when it consumes your thoughts, it undermines your confidence and motivation.

Let others have their success and leverage it to fuel your own journey. Other people’s success is evidence that you can do it too. By turning inspiration into action, you begin to build the extraordinary life you deserve. When you say Let Them, you learn from other people’s success and Let Them lead the way. When you say Let Me, you focus on playing the cards in your hand, turning inspiration into action, and winning by playing with others, not against them.

proximity, timing, and energy.

the more times you see someone in person, the more opportunities you have to get to know them, to spend time with them, to

share experiences together, and to click and form a deeper friendship.

Timing refers to the chapter of life you are in right now. If you’re not in the same chapter of life with someone else, it’s much harder to relate because you have less in common.

When you stop expecting to have everyone be your best friend, or to be invited to everything, or be included in everything, or that you will click with everyone, friendship gets a lot easier.

Energy shifts over time. Sometimes for the worse, and sometimes for the better. And that’s a good thing, because it means that you and the people in your life are growing into new versions of yourselves.

There are certain people who are meant to be in your life for a season. There are people that are meant to be in your life for a specific reason. And there will be people who will be with you for a lifetime.

At some point, you’re going to go from being on the inside of a friend group to feeling like you’re on the outside. This is normal.