The Let Them Theory: A Life-Changing Tool That Millions of People Can't Stop Talking About

by Mel Robbins

Have you or your friend changed or grown in new ways? Have the patterns and schedules of your lives changed? Are you physically bumping into them as much as you used to? Do you feel like the timing of your life is still the same, or are you in different chapters? Has some major change happened in one of your lives that has shifted the energy between you? Asking yourself these questions is really important, because we tend to default to making ourselves wrong, or blame the other person and then decide the friendship is over.

Reach out to people because you want to. But don’t expect a response. How

quickly or how often someone responds is not a sign of how much they care about you. It’s more likely an indication of how overwhelmed they may

The connection you have with another person never actually breaks. It’s just the proximity and timing that makes you lose touch with them. So, it’s never too late to reconnect with old friends and this is completely in your control.

Let Them will help you be flexible, be compassionate, and allow people to come and go. Let Me will remind you to stop sitting around expecting invitations, or assuming ill intent. It will motivate you to take the lead on reaching out to old friends, and put yourself out there to create new ones.

“You have to put yourself out there, and most importantly, you must give it a year.”

that adult friendship isn’t something that happens. It’s something you create. I am happy to report, from

Compliment people everywhere you go.

Be curious.

Smile and say hello to anyone and everyone you pass or meet.

Do this without expectation.

Look for events and group classes that interest you.

When you click with someone, take it out of the class.

As you meet more people, look for events that are interesting and reach out to the people you’ve

been hanging out with to see if anyone wants to go as a group.

And start taking responsibility for how you show up. Let Them will help you be more flexible, not take things personally, and allow the right people to come in, and let the wrong people to leave.

People are going to come and go in your life. And the more flexible you are, the more they do. It’s such a beautiful thing to Let Them. Focus on Let Me, because that is what’s in your control.

When you say Let Them, you release the need to cling to friendships that no longer serve you, making space for connections that truly matter. When you say Let Me, you take charge of your social life, reaching out, initiating, and cultivating the kind of friendships that reflect your values and bring you happiness.

“How do I motivate someone else to change?” You can’t. The reality is, people only change when they feel like changing.

If someone doesn’t feel like changing, they won’t. And worse, when you pressure someone to change it just creates more tension, resentment, and distance in your relationships.

You want people in your life to change, but pressuring them creates resistance to it.

people only change when they feel like changing. But

it doesn’t mean they’re lazy or that they don’t want to change deep down. More likely, it means they feel discouraged, like they can’t change, it won’t work, or that it’s just going to be too hard and they’ll fail.

It’s almost offensive when someone else does this to you. You feel attacked. And it’s also annoying when somebody sits on their high horse and acts like it would be easy to just snap your fingers and suddenly change or find a higher paying job. How dare they think they know what’s best for you!

The most loving thing you can do is to stop pressuring them and Let Them be. Right now, you have a completely unrealistic expectation and an approach that is backfiring. You have no other choice but to Let Them. Let adults be adults.

Humans are wired to move toward what feels good right now, and to move away from what feels hard in the moment.

that a human being will always feel like choosing what is pleasurable now, and avoiding what feels painful.

Dr. K says that in order to make a change, a person must be able to separate themselves from the pain they will feel in the moment and the action that they need to take.

Pressure doesn’t create change—it creates resistance

So when you start to push people around, pressure them, or tell them what to do, you are threatening their hardwired need for control over their own lives, decisions, and actions. You’re getting in the way of their agency, the feeling that they are in control of themselves, their life, and their own thoughts and behaviors.

Acceptance of another person, as they are, is the foundation of a healthy and loving relationship. When someone feels that you accept them as they are, they feel safe with you.

The opposite happens when you pressure, change, criticize, push, or expect someone to behave differently than they are. This pressure puts you and your loved one in a battle for control, whether or not you realize it.

it needs to be THEIR idea to change, not yours. The

I trust YOU to figure it out.

Because there’s always something within your control: it’s YOU. The only behavior change that you can control is your own. And this is where your power is.

Model the behavior change you want to see and walk the talk you’ve been asking for. If you have ANY shot at influencing them to move toward the behavior or change you want them to make, you need to show them how easy it is. You can’t ask someone else to eat healthier while you’re raving about the croissant you just ate. But you can influence them if you’re always eating healthy meals yourself and raving about how good it tastes.

You can’t ask someone to stop looking at their phone when you’ve got your phone in your hand. But you can influence them by keeping your phone in a different room and modeling better boundaries with your devices.

Model the behavior you wa...

Stop pressuring them to change. Accept that you can’t control their behavior or actions. Adults only do what they feel like doing. Your job is to accept them for who they are and where they are. Let Them be. Then, Let Me.

It’s important to do this without the expectation that they will change. The reason why you have to give up your expectations is that if you do this expecting them to change, you’ll start to resent them when they don’t.

Focus on yourself, model the behavior and the positive attitude because it works for you, and hold out the hope that the magic of your influence will work on them. Be

A: APOLOGIZE, then ASK open-ended questions. B: BACK OFF, and observe their BEHAVIOR. C: CELEBRATE progress while you continue to model the CHANGE.

The idea here is to rise above your emotions and get to the truth of why this bothers you so much, using a proven technique called the 5 Whys method.

Ask yourself: Why does this person’s behavior (or this situation) bother me so much? Think about it, and write or say your answer. And then, ask it again: Why does that bother you? And then again: Why does that bother you? And then again: Why does that bother you? And then a final time: Why does that bother you?

Give yourself permission to get to the root cause even if you discover something ugly about yourself.

The best way to start this conversation is to first apologize. You could say something like: “I want to apologize for judging and pressuring you, and I realized I’ve never asked you how you feel about your. . .”

You are just asking questions. Your opinions are irrelevant and they are not for this conversation. The second you offer one, you’ll be pressuring the person and it will kill the effectiveness of this technique.

Have you thought about what YOU might want to do about this?

That’s why you have to give this time. It takes time for tension to transform into motivation. Let Them be.

Once you’ve asked the open-ended questions and you’ve backed off while continuing to model the behavior change, you have to celebrate any progress you see. Whenever they make the smallest move forward, celebrate it.