Fearless (The Powerless Trilogy, #3)

by Lauren Roberts

I see a friendship, not love. No, love is what I see when I look at his brother.

Her footsteps grow closer on the other side of the door. I’ve gotten rather good at memorizing every sound she makes. Every laugh from her throat, every shuffle of her feet, every sigh against my mouth.

I kick the door shut behind me. “Where else would I be?” “Your own room, maybe?” “My room doesn’t have you in it.” My lips twitch. “Hence why I’m in yours.” She shakes her head at me in disbelief. “Insufferable, cocky bastard.” I wrap an arm around her waist to pull her against me. My fingers flick the tip of her nose, voice softening to a whisper. “And my pretty—” I kiss her gently, feel her mouth melt against mine. “Pretty Pae.”

“Don’t do that,” I breathe. “Do what?” I duck my head. “Ruin me.” “I thought that is what you wanted?” she reminds me slyly. “Not like this.” I tuck a damp strand of hair behind her ear. “Not with him.”

Loyalty and love are damning enough when apart from each other. Now, they are dangerously tangled together.

She’s quiet for a troublesome amount of time. Then, a soft smile finds its way to her lips. “When I left for the Purging Trials, Adena reassured me that it wasn’t a goodbye, simply a good way to say bye until I saw her again.” She swallows thickly. “It was the most ridiculous line, but she said it so many times over the years.” She makes a pained sound that slightly resembles a laugh. I look down at her, finding a mingling of grief and anger harshening her features. My fingers lift her chin. “So, in the wise words of Adena, this is simply a good way to say bye until… whatever the hell.” She was laughing before I’d even begun trailing off. But this time, it’s the kind of sound that has my breath catching, eyes unblinking so I don’t miss a single second of it. “Until whatever the hell,” Paedyn repeats with a nod.

The silver dagger gleams, as if calling to her. Her eyes widen, roaming up the sharp blade and over the swirling pattern dressing the hilt. Reaching out slowly, she grabs hold of her father’s knife. And for this one, single moment, all is right in the world. There she is, the Silver Savior, standing before me—dagger in hand and a smile spreading across her face. “Thank you.” She can hardly get the words out. “I thought I would never see it again.” I smile. “Just try your best not to slice me open, yes?” “You first, Prince.”

Her palm finds my face in a gentle caress. “You’re not him.” Those three words threaten to shatter me to pieces. I can’t bring myself to look at her. It’s a sudden, deafening relief that follows in the wake of her reassurance. I hadn’t even realized how terribly I’d needed to hear that from her lips. The symmetries between my father and the monster he made of me have haunted every corner of my mind for as long as I can remember. “Kai.” Her voice is delicate enough to refocus my fragile mind. “You’re not him,” she whispers again, tears pricking those beautiful blue eyes. “I need you to know that. For me.” I nod, not knowing where all my words went. She holds my face in her hands, holds me together with a touch I wish would belong to only me. “You’re not him,” she repeats with a soft smile. “But you have both left very different marks on my heart. One an O, and the other something even more damning.” Her unspoken words hang in the air between us. “Paedyn.” I tip my forehead against hers, aching to say what she is so scared of. In that field of poppies, I told her how impossible it was to stop myself from falling in love with her. And yet, the three damning words have yet to fall from my lips. I love you.

I smile, pressing a kiss to her forehead. “It will take far more than mere words to drag me from you, darling.” “It better,” she breathes. Her dagger hangs loosely from the hand she’s twined around my neck. Odd, that there was once a time I feared her burying it into my back. Now I readily bare my weaknesses before her. It’s as though she is whole again in my arms, reunited with the ghost of her father and held in the arms of her Enforcer. And when she kisses me, long and fierce, I realize how happily I’d live the rest of my life at the end of a blade. So long as she is the one holding it.

“Impress me today, darling,” he had whispered, kneeling before me. The words were so similar to the ones I had uttered after we sparred for the first time. And with his hands gripping my thigh, gray eyes meeting mine through dark lashes, I realized, terrifyingly, that I would do anything to earn his praise. Least of all, survive this Trial.

If I return from these Trials, it will be as less of myself. I’m running out of loved ones to watch die in my arms, so perhaps it will be me this time around. And maybe it’s better that way—to die before this life steals the warmth Adena sewed into my soul.

With a frustrated huff, I squint in the blinding sun and fix my attention on the cluster of rocks far ahead. I have to fight the absurd urge to smile at the memory of running past those stones and into the field of poppies beyond, Kai nipping at my heels. He was my enemy then, and yet, we had never been closer. I turn, shielding my eyes, to see a familiar figure watching me from the edge of the city. Now, the Enforcer is something far more devastating than a lover, yet we have never been further apart. Keeping my distance from him is a Trial of its own. It is cruel, not being able to call him mine after everything we’ve endured. Perhaps in another life, I am strong enough to never need proof of it. Perhaps in another life, I am brave enough to confess that I love him. Perhaps in another life, I learn to love him from afar. And that is the most fearless thing of them all. So I look away, letting my feet carry me even farther from him.

Now I stand at the mouth of the next taunting cave, mustering my courage. A golden ray stretches across the stone floor, as though the sun itself is pointing a finger. I follow the beam’s path, my heart stuttering at what lies glinting within it. I drop to my knees beside the scattered silver strands, eyes wide as I take in the pieces of a girl I left behind. Blood coats each sliver of severed hair, dulling the silver braid beneath. Tears prick my eyes for the version of me that still lingers in this cave where Kai held the broken shards of me together. So much hurt had lived within the strands of something so unsuspecting. And when I could no longer handle the weight of blood coating my hair, my very body and being, I begged my captor to free me of it. The one person meant to be my undoing saved me from it. I gather the scattered pieces, ignoring the feel of dried blood that paints them. It feels symbolic in a way, like gripping a tangible moment in time. My gaze lifts to the small cave curved around me. The crypt is not here, but it feels like a tomb, nonetheless. I gently lay the long pieces of my past self back onto the stone floor, leaving them to rest.

I would have stood at the edge of that desert until she walked back into my arms. That is, if I weren’t the damn Enforcer of Ilya.

And yet, one day I hope she does. Just to show her the extent of what I’m willing to do if only she asks.

“And Paedyn?” I ask slowly. “You know of his engagement to the Ordinary?” “The Ordinary,” she muses, gaze sharp. “That is not all she is. Especially to you.”

“I knew from that first dinner—the one with all the Purging Trial contestants—that there was something between you two.” I blow out a breath. “Mother—” “And then she went and killed your father, and things got complicated.”

“Shh.” I cut off her words with the single sound. “It’s okay. You made me strong.” A tear rolls down her cheek, and I wipe it away with a knuckle. “You made me strong,” I whisper again. Equal parts sob and laughter slip past her lips. “Not strong enough to stay away from her, it seems.” I shake my head, smiling slightly. “No, not strong enough to stay away from her.”

“Then make me a different one.” She struggles to lift her head from the pillow, words strong in a way her body is not. “Don’t let her be your weakness.” Some time later, when I eventually stand to leave the infirmary, she reminds me of that promise I have yet to make. In return, I remind her that Paedyn Gray has been my weakness since that very first dinner before the Purging Trials.

Adena’s light within me sputters out. Pulling the dagger from his gut, I watch him fall to my feet.

Adena’s warmth returns shyly, as though her very memory does not recognize the creature I’ve become. I’m shaking, every part of me trembling in fear of what I’ve done. In fear of myself.

But I’m laughing again, strained yet relieved. Adena’s light, however dim, is returning to my soul. I am alive. I, an Ordinary, survived a Trial. Again.

With every step, I grow closer to becoming a queen. With every step, I grow closer to a united Ilya.

I can’t exactly argue on behalf of nights I don’t remember. So, instead, I settle with a simple, “If her life weren’t at stake right now, I guarantee I’d be much more fun tonight.” His confused look is only exaggerated by the alcohol that’s loosening his features. “But why are you so worried about Paedyn? Isn’t that Kitt’s job? They’re engaged, after all.” I open my mouth before promptly shutting it.

I suppose the truth leans more toward the latter, but reducing my feelings for Paedyn to something as juvenile as a scandal is absurdity. Only, it does not matter that every beat of my heart belongs to her. Because she does not belong to me.

That is when the doors swing open. Everything fades away, forgotten in her presence. The future queen of Ilya strides into the throne room, and every Elite falls silent. She is covered in dirt, streaked with blood. It freckles her face in a gruesome addition to the twenty-eight ones I know stretch across the bridge of her nose. Large tears in her clothing reveal jagged cuts beneath, softened only by the mud accompanying them. My eyes trail down the length of her, knowing just how much that blood must be affecting her. It’s coating her temple, her shoulder, her hands… Her hands. There, gripped between scarlet-stained fingers, hangs a crown.

Paedyn’s piercing gaze travels over the crowd as she watches them take her in. No one dares speak, dares move beneath her commanding stare. But when that blood-splattered face turns in my direction, I nearly smile. This formidability is not unfamiliar to me. I’ve seen it within her since the moment she saved my life. Her eyes meet mine, and it feels like relief.

So I let her go. Let her pretend. Let her morph back into the queen she will become. All it takes is a single slow nod of my head.

I push slowly through the crowd, my gaze unable to stray from such eminence. But watching isn’t nearly enough. I could fall to my knees, beg to be the only one worthy of witnessing her.

And with that, Paedyn’s lips lift. She raises the crown then, matching its bloody and mud-streaked appearance. I smile before she’s even done it. Wide enough to show those damn dimples she loves to hate. Yes, I smile when she pushes the crown onto her head.

A hand tugs at my arm. I turn to find Andy looking alarmingly serious. “Don’t steal her away from him when they finally get a moment together.” Unspoken words hang in the air between us. The corner of my mouth twitches. “I don’t need to steal her away.” “No,” she says smoothly. “You just kick down her door when she isn’t answering you.” My voice is low. “Don’t start, Andy.” She shakes her head at me, saddened by what she sees. “They’re engaged, Kai. You can’t have her.” “Yes, and I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to accept that fact.” I turn away and push through the doors. They are standing in the hallway, bodies close and voices hushed. Her eyes meet mine over Kitt’s shoulder. I quicken my pace. Smother my jealousy. And open my damn mouth.

Thought of our engagement has his gaze dropping to the ring still clinging to my finger. Emotion flits from ear to ear as he gently lifts my hand. The clearing of his throat turns into a slight cough. “We will have to get this cleaned.” He runs a thumb over the muddy diamond. Then his gaze lifts to mine, calculating in a way that surprises me. But his next words are far more startling. “After that, we’ll ensure the ring finds its way back onto the correct finger.” My heart stutters against bruised ribs. I look down, eyes snapping to the ring still decorating my right hand. Still exactly where Kai had left it the night before my Trial. I never put it back.

A gray gaze locks with mine, and I can read the relief within it at the sight of me. My body trembles; my throat burns. I ache to fall into his arms. I made it back to him. I lived to spend another day pretending I’m not in love with him.

Kai is on me in an instant. His arm is sure around my waist, breath warm against my ear. “I’ve got you. I’ve got you, Pae.” I feel willingly weak with him to hold me, as if strength is a facade only needed when he is not near. And it’s that realization that has every moment of the Trial flooding back. My eyes fall to the trembling, bloody hands I hold out to him. “I’ve… I’ve stained my soul again.” “Shh.” He grabs my wrists, pressing those bloody palms against his black tunic. “There. Now it’s my soul that is stained.”

He swallows. “I thought you might not walk through those doors tonight. And it made me realize that I’d much rather spend the rest of my life apart from you, watching at a distance, than without you.” I swallow. My throat is dry. “You shouldn’t be doing this. We are supposed to keep our distance. Now more than ever.” “Yes,” he says simply. “Which is why I’m selfishly stealing this moment.”

“Turn the handle for me, would you, darling?”

“Do I really look that bad?” I practically croak. Kai sets me gently on the bed, treating me like I’m as fragile as I feel. His hand cups the back of my neck to ensure my swaying body remains upright on the edge of the mattress. “You look like someone who has just done the impossible,” he murmurs, face close. I smile, tasting blood on my cracked lips. “So I look like hell?” “If you look like hell,” he whispers with a sly grin, “then I’m fortunate to be going there.”

With a smirk that makes me want to simultaneously kiss and hit him, he slides calloused palms down my thighs. My weak warning look doesn’t stop his slow search of my legs. I can’t help but smile back at him, and he seems to take that as a sign of encouragement. I’m so distracted by the feel of Kai’s hands that I hardly notice Ellie place the pail of water beside him. After setting down a cloth and bar of soap, she straightens with a clearing of her throat. Kai’s eyes are locked on mine. “That will be all, Ellie. Thank you. I’ll let you know when to send in the Healer.” With a quick curtsy and glance in my direction, Ellie swiftly strides from the room, shutting the door behind her. Turning my attention back on the smirking boy before me, I give his chest a good shove. “So much for pretending, Prince.” He dips the cloth into the pail, shrugging at my words. “I’ll have the rest of my life to pretend with you. But for now, I needed to keep you alert.” “You were distracting me,” I breathe, eyes dropping to the blood coating my hands. My stained palms are quickly covered by the damp cloth he places over them. “And I will happily be your distraction from pain. For as long as you need.”

My visible shudder has Kai placing a comforting hand against the small of my back. I watch him clean every claw mark, every nick the beasts gifted me. When the stained cloth reaches the slash across my shoulder, I hiss in pain. He does his best to mop up the blood surrounding it as he murmurs, “But you got out. You got the crown. And then you cracked it against a man’s skull.” When my eyes flick up, they land on his wry smile. “I’m assuming.” I shake my head at him. “How did you…?” “You’re not the only one who’s observant, Little Psychic.” When his smile only grows, I huff, “Well, I didn’t enjoy doing it.” “I know.” His gaze softens. “I wish I could have done it for you.” My voice is tired, reflecting the current state of my body. “Does it ever get easier? The bad that supposedly justifies the hope of something good?” “It hasn’t yet,” he says with a sigh. “But your bad will belong to me when I become your Enforcer. And maybe then, when I know you are reaping the good, things will get easier.”

“I don’t want to stain your soul further.” His smile is sad. “There’s not much left to stain, darling.”

He wipes the cloth down my nose, freeing it of blood before flicking the tip with his finger. “Everyone loses themselves to something. So make it worthwhile.” I let him tilt my head in the dim light. He dabs gently at a bead of dried blood clinging to my temple. “And what did you lose yourself to?” “Duty. Loyalty.” His lips quirk. “A silver-haired pain in the ass.” I lean back on my palms, studying him. “And you think that’s worth it? Losing yourself to an Ordinary?” As he drops the cloth from my face, I can’t quite read his mixture of emotions. “Between the two of us, you’re the only one who seems to care about that fact.” I straighten swiftly, enough to have Kai’s hands flattening on my thighs to ensure I stay on the bed. “Of course I care.” My voice is rough, raw with emotion. “I’m weak. I nearly died today and—” I place a hand to his cheek, turning his face toward me. “Look at me, Kai. Look at what you chose to lose yourself to. I may have seemed strong in that throne room, but I will always be an impostor among the truly powerful.” He’s shaking his head, hiding his gaze from me. Both of my hands are cupping his face now. “I worry about you, Malakai.” The sound of his full name has those gray eyes fluttering closed. “If I die—” “Stop.” “If I die,” I repeat sternly, “I need you to find something else worth losing yourself to. I won’t let my impending death be yours as well.” I press my forehead to his, voice breaking as I say, “Promise me that. Please.” “Pae.” His voice...

The king’s command rings about the chamber, cutting through even the thick stench of death. It is the anger and grief in his voice that pushes the Silencer to whisper what may be his own death sentence. Kings have a way of killing the messenger. “She is powerless.”

Kai hadn’t left my bedroom until the early hours of the morning, leaving me to sleep most of the day away.

With a sigh of relief, I stand to my feet, stretching out stiff limbs. “It no longer feels like I nearly died yesterday,” I say cheerily. “In fact, I think I may actually be in the mood for dancing.”

I sit before her, letting my eyelids flutter shut as she begins powdering my skin. “I feel good. Hopeful.” “I’m glad.” Something about her tone has my eyes snapping open. “And this good mood has nothing to do with K—” I take a breath. “With the Enforcer.” “Mm-hmm,” she hums, lips tucked into a thin smile. “Ellie, there is nothing going on between me and…” I trail off when she shakes her head at me. “Paedyn, I don’t need to know about you and the prince. I just…” She chews on her bottom lip. “I just hope you’re being careful. Queens are not as easily forgiven as their kings.”

Ellie doesn’t seem to notice as she continues with that soft smile of hers. “But I enjoy seeing you giddy like this. It reminds me of Adena and her boy from Loot.” My whole body stiffens beneath her hand currently dragging a dark line of kohl atop my lashes. “What are you talking about?” I hear the hesitance in her voice, the quiet sadness that remains there. “That’s right. She never told you, did she?” She lets the words linger. “There was this boy she would sneak off to see while you were in the Trials.” My heart pounds in time with her words, aching like it has since the day Adena died. “Why… why didn’t she tell me?” Ellie pulls back, allowing me to open the eyes now welling with tears. “She didn’t want to distract you from the Trials.” Her lips pull into a thin smile. “She said you wouldn’t rest until you met him and approved. So the plan was to tell you after. But then…” “There was no after,” I whisper, turning away with a shuddering breath. “She was always too damn selfless.” We fall silent as Ellie hesitantly returns to the task at hand. After a long while in which I dwell only within my thoughts, I manage to gather enough courage to peek at my reflection. But I don’t recognize the girl within it. Her lashes are darkened, her lips tinted the color of blood. She looks like the sharpness that piercing grief hones one into. Like fearlessness carved out of necessity, not courage. “I want her with me tonight. Adena,” I say quietly, breaking the silence that has long stre...

So much has changed since the first time I wore this dress. And yet, here I am again, walking toward a ball in honor of the Trials I’m competing in. Only, I’ve now gained a ring on my hand. Cut the hair falling down my back. Earned more scars I’m ashamed of. Lost the girl who made this very dress for me.

As I turn back to smile at the begrudging king I’ve dragged along, my gaze snags on a familiar shade of purple. Kitt nearly slams into me with how abruptly I plant my feet. An emotion more potent than rage begins to boil within me at the sight of that lilac hair. Kitt’s mouth is moving, but I don’t hear a word that falls from it. Instead, I’m standing at the edge of the dance floor, staring at Adena’s murderer. It’s as though I’m back in the center of that Pit, cradling her broken body with my eyes locked on the culprit, just as they are now.

And I am going to tear her apart for it.

I’ve nearly reached Blair by the time her gaze finally deigns to land on me. And I smile when it widens with an emotion that might just be fear. I lunge, teeth bared, and arms outstretched— Arms wrap around my waist, tugging me back from her. I let out a cry of frustration as I fight against the familiar hold. Kai’s lips are at my ear before my feet have even met the floor. “Easy, Pae. You need to calm down.”