Lead (Stage Dive, #3)

by Kylie Scott

But really, life was too short to take shit. Let people walk all over you and you got what you deserved. I’d learned that the hard way.

The man was cracking before my eyes and watching him come apart felt like torture. I’d been so careful the last few years, sticking to the fringes and keeping to myself. Now suddenly, his pain felt like my own, tearing up my insides, leaving me raw. The room swam blurrily in front of me.

If you can get even a guy like me to want to be a better man, then you’re something special.”

“If he’s guarded, it’s for a reason.”

These are the risks we take when we care about people.”

“Sometimes you have to cut people loose for your own good.”

“I think I’m going to start charging you extra for lies. Someone needs to pay for the stain on my soul.”

“Everyone screws up sometime. You of all people know that.

It was all about him. It was hot and cold, forever and never all at once. It was physical, but it was also more, much more. I wanted to know him, every last little thing about him. And I wanted him to know me. I wanted to be a real part of his life, not just his employee. To be the person he confided even his darkest thoughts in, the person he trusted. It was insane.

Ever notice how the world seems different in the wee hours of the morning, when you’ve been awake too long? Surreal somehow and yet clearer, quieter so you can hear the whispered truth of things you couldn’t bring yourself to face in the light.

Sometimes I just can’t get my stupid head to turn off.”

He just gave me a half smile with the faintest trace of dimple. Actually, it was more of a quarter grin with a dash of the devil. But he was getting better at smiling and that’s what counted. It was going to be one of the regrets of my life that I’d never got to see the full thing. I bet it was lethal in all the ways.

“Are you happy there, Jimmy, living in denial? Is the weather nice this time of year?”

“You see I’ve had my heart broken by assorted asshats in the past and I swore never again. So I’m not doing the unrequited love thing with you. That just doesn’t sound like my idea of a good time, sorry.”

I like you so much it hurts. I like the way your true self comes out when you think no one else is looking.”

“I know all about addictions and wanting things that aren’t good for you, Lena. End of the day, it’s up to you to decide whether to take control and fight it or not.”

The man affected me on all the levels no matter how much I tried to resist, damn it.

“I’m healthy. I eat fruit.” “In pie doesn’t count.” If only I had laser beams for eyes. Damn the lack of technology.

“You can’t affect what people think, Lena. They wanna think the worst, they will. I’m not wasting energy trying to make everyone happy. I have enough on my hands just keeping my own shit together.”

“People judge you whatever,” he said. “People fucking love their own opinions and are all too happy to throw ’em at you, whether you ask or not. You have to be happy with yourself.”

If you’re changing your life, stopping the destructive shit, then you have to know what your triggers are.”

Tears stung my eyes as loneliness sucker punched me. I hadn’t even realized I’d been lonely, but the way these people cared caught me by surprise. They actually wanted me around.

Perhaps people were embarrassed by his history, as if everyone else was flawless. He’d fallen further than most, true, but he’d crawled his way back up again too. Strength came in many forms. I’d always assumed the subject of his addictions lay dormant due to his need for privacy. This silence, however, felt wrong, it rankled me.

“Quiet, Jimmy,” ordered Mal. “The adults are talking.”

Everything in life was so damn complicated, so confusing when it came to the heart.

“Sometimes things that make the least sense are the most true. Such is the mystery of life.”

I stared at him, transfixed. Love is a convoluted thing really, there is little simplicity to it deep down. It consists of layers of emotions, thoughts, and memories, coalescing into one overwhelming point. The knowledge that one person in this world means more to you than most anything. Sense and reason don’t stand a chance. Sometime-bastard and messed-up man that he was, I adored him, all of him.

“Because your dark parts don’t scare me, Jimmy. They never did.”

“Who ever said the heart was smart or that it followed directions?”

my issues have issues.

“I don’t think god wants me to date. The signs have been quite clear.”

Love came in all sorts of shapes and sizes, but if it wasn’t based upon doing what was right for the one you loved, then what was it worth, really?

“Holing up here, hiding from the world? That’s not a long-term solution.”

Then Mal let out a loud wailing noise. “I hate it when mommy and daddy fight!”

So I’d go to bed with no dinner. For once, my belly didn’t mind and my heart was too torn up to care.

“Why should I open my door to you if you’re yelling at me? If you’ve been acting like a complete bastard and hurt my feelings? Stop for just one minute, put yourself in my place and tell me, why should I let you in?”

“Are you insane? He’ll lead me straight to hell.” “Perhaps. But he likes you, so I’m guessing he’ll bring you back out safe and sound.”

These people, I loved them as much as they drove me out of my god damn mind.

“And it’s kind of hard to care about your feelings when you give so little thought to mine.”

It didn’t hurt. It couldn’t. Even my idiot heart had to accept the truth eventually. This particular harsh reality had been shoved in my face so many times I’d formed thick ugly scabs where the wounds would have been.

I’m going to tell you what I told Killer at puppy training today when he tried to mount a teacup poodle he’d only just met. If she means something to you, you gotta do the woo, son. You can’t just be trying to stick it in.”

There’d been something about lining up the shots, seeing the world through the lens that appealed to me.

Hadn’t she done enough damage when they were little?

When had my life gotten so crazy?

That’s what love does to you, it fucks you up.”

“Better than winding up broken. Better than breaking someone.”

“If she was going to tell me how like her I was all the time, then I figured I might as well live up to it. Look how well that turned out. I am just like her, Lena.”

I’ll never be clean, not really. Always be an addict at heart.”

I knew a little about people saying stuff, wounding you with words. The scars lingered a long, long time.

“You can trust me, you know? I’m not going to turn on you or think less of you, that’s never going to happen.” “Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”