How to Hug a Porcupine: Easy Ways to Love the Difficult People in Your Life (Little Book. Big Idea.)

by Debbie Joffe Ellis

we humans have the capacity to create our attitudes and emotions, as well as our actions. If we choose to, we can maintain inner peace despite difficult outer circumstances. We can prevent unnecessary suffering. If you allow your quills of judgment to turn inwards and pierce you, this book can help you to foster self-acceptance. If you make yourself angry at others who prick you by acting in harmful and provocative ways, the strategies offered in this book will enable you to calm and stabilize yourself. And if you mistakenly allow yourself to be pierced by others, the wisdom of the words in the book reminds you not to take it too personally!

how to embrace the Porcupine tendency, while still respecting the quills. You can learn to unconditionally accept yourself as well as others.

The brilliant pioneering psychologist, Albert Ellis PhD, taught that no one can upset us unless we allow them to. Instead we can choose to think rationally, feel calm, and act with consideration, kindness and empathy. We can learn not to think and act irrationally and not to automatically stick our quills out during threatening or provocative situations. Even if the Porcupinely-acting person who you are dealing with resists, your open-hearted approach will not be wasted. Every time we practice kindness, compassion and unconditional acceptance of others, we are reinforcing it within and for ourselves.

Life is brief. Time is precious. Wasting it in defense and attack, or in anger and fear, is regretful. Choose instead to practice patience, empathy, compassion, kindness, understanding and unconditional acceptance. Work towards creating greater harmony within yourself and in your relationships, and you will contribute to creating a healthier, saner world.

it is an effective tool for emotional and mental health and well-being. Turn to it to encourage greater awareness of heart and mind.

Use it in your own life, and you will bring stability, peace and joy to yourself, others and the world around you.

good for us to find ways to get along with those who are different from us. Other people challenge us. Other people improve us. Other people make us better human beings.

“The supreme happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved — loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves.” — VICTOR HUGO

Whether these expressions, stories, or themes are accurate or not, the way mankind draws links between animal behavior and human behavior reveals a great deal about our struggle to understand ourselves, and each other.

the effectiveness of the porcupine’s quills as a defense against predators allows it to lead a solitary life.

porcupines are generally misunderstood.

their quills. Nor are their quills poisonous. Their name itself is a misnomer; it derives from the Latin words porcus and spina, which together mean “thorny pig”—porcupines are neither thorny, nor are they related to pigs (they are, in fact, most similar to beavers in habitat, diet and temperament).

Porcupine babies, called porcupettes, are born with soft, pliable quills. Within a matter of hours, these harden into defensive weapons.

When porcupines are threatened, tiny muscles at the base of each quill tighten, causing their quills to stand up and the porcupine to appear much larger than it really is.

This often leaves a handful of quills embedded, painfully, in its opponent. Over time, the quills can work their way into the flesh of the attacker and cause infection.

One predator, the American fisher, has evolved a technique for getting around the porcupine’s quills; it flips the porcupine onto its back, exposing its tender—and undefended—underbelly.

their reaction to any kind of threat or incursion. It’s then that, like the porcupine in nature, they puff themselves up to try to scare off their adversary.

That is, the human porcupine only reveals himself when you’ve already stepped into his bubble—and he is already on the defensive.

With knowledge and the right attitude on your side, you can not only make the best out of a bad situation, but, with practice, learn how to avoid painful spots altogether.

For human porcupines, their “quills” are most often their words, delivered aggressively with fierce language, and often in a loud voice. Learn to recognize these warning signs so that you can be one step ahead when your porcupine gets aggressive.

A porcupine’s defensive behavior can be contagious. During a disagreement with a porcupine, many people will resort to their own defensive mode. Don’t! There is a very big difference between trying to understand what is bothering your porcupine and getting into a big fight. So, take a step back. Take a deep breath. And try again. Don’t let your own quills get the best of you.

Because a porcupine often attacks out of fear, respecting his boundaries will keep him from lashing out.

It’s important to remember that human porcupines, like porcupettes, are born soft. But bad experiences, fears, and failed relationships have forced them to harden their exteriors and sharpen their quills.

We should keep in mind that a porcupine’s quills—the result of past injuries—are a part of who the porcupine is, and they aren’t necessarily meant to hurt us.

although it may require some close attention and careful strategy, you can find your human porcupine’s emotional “soft spot.” This will be a topic that, no matter what, brings a smile to his face and makes him feel good whenever he talks about it. It could include a passion, a favorite hobby, or anecdotes about a loved one.

Learn what subjects make your porcupine feel joyful and bring them up—you’ll make him feel special and he’ll see that you really care about how his life is going.

Loving a difficult person requires a great deal of empathy.

What might it be like to deal with someone like me? Being responsible and loving towards a porcupine requires emotional maturity and the flexibility to think empathically.

Thinking of a porcupine’s needs ahead of time is half the battle. Nothing disarms a porcupine faster than showing her that you care!

It’s our responsibility to make our needs clear to our loved ones, just as it is their responsibility to do the same with us.

The best way to deal with a defensive person is to try to get him to talk to you about what gets his quills up. Often the best way to do that is to tell your porcupine what gets your quills up.

Sharing will help your porcupine feel safe enough to share her own vulnerabilities with you.

Don’t rush towards a porcupine’s quills unless you are prepared to handle the encounter (remember, quills can’t hurt you unless you run up against them!)

Chances are, your porcupine’s sour mood, though triggered by you, has little or nothing to do with you. The more you recognize that a porcupine’s aggressive behavior is really about your porcupine figuring out her own issues, the more energy you will have to find a solution that works for the both of you.

Save your own energy for the porcupines closest to you!

in order to deflect that defensiveness, try a little kindness instead. By using kind words and expressing a generous and caring attitude, we can defuse the porcupine’s apprehensions.

Before a potential confrontation, decide how you are going to deal with your porcupine and stick with the plan.

Patience is a virtue. So is understanding. Dealing with a porcupine requires a great deal of both. Resist the temptation to get angry and, instead, approach any confrontation or dilemma with patience and understanding above all else.

So take a deep breath and rebalance. Let your porcupine rant—you’ve got calm and wisdom on your side.

If you are thin-skinned, you will feel every prick of your porcupine’s anxiety. Try to be thick-skinned instead. And don’t react off-the-cuff. Instead, go slow. Be a tortoise! Your porcupine will burn through her energy quickly, and once he does, you will be on top. Slow and steady wins the race!

How you behave, how you speak, react—even smile—can shape the outcome. So, no matter what, stay in control, and don’t let your emotions get the best of you.

encouraging her to “get it all out” can be an important first step towards change.

It can be frightening to engage in a dialogue with someone else when you don’t understand emotional language. So help her learn by encouraging her to get everything off her chest. Remember: you can help. Your love and attention are the crucial first steps to calming your porcupine.

Too often, we focus on behavior, instead of the motivations behind that behavior. This is a crucial mistake, for it’s in fact the motivation behind action that most needs to be addressed.

Don’t forget: the porcupine’s defensiveness is an emotional reaction; defuse the emotions and you’ll defuse the reaction.

reassure her that she can trust you. Communicate with your porcupine openly, honestly, and empathically.

It’s easier to tackle your porcupine’s issues if you don’t speak in grand, sweeping terms. Instead, try being more specific. What

Be clear about why and how it bothered you. Feel free to use examples, as long as you don’t get critical.

Your clarity will limit your porcupine’s reaction.

A relationship that requires effort on the part of only one party is not a true relationship. For better or for worse, this means that you’ll have to make some compromises.