Addicted for Now (Addicted #3)

by Krista Ritchie

My fearless, daring sister is afraid. Because this was not her choosing. I’m about to go to her, but I stop. Ryke has already reached the couch, and when her gaze trains on him fully, her face begins to break in slow, liberating relief. “Hey,” he says, gauging her state. “Hey.” Her eyes fill with tears. “Dais, it’s okay. You’re okay.” He brings her to her feet, and her legs quake. She nods repeatedly, trying to believe it herself.

Daisy is naturally wild, but I don’t think she was expecting to be this drunk. I don’t think she wanted it, and that was a different kind of unknown than jumping off a cliff or house or plane. Ryke cups her face. “Hey, you’re safe, Dais.”

Ryke is more concerned than I’ve seen him in a while, and that includes when Lo was puking on the side of the road.

omg

He pinches her chin and turns her face so she meets his eyes. “I’m going to pick you up, okay?” “Okay.” He lifts her in his arms—one on her back, the other underneath her knees. And she clutches his shirt. “Don’t leave me,” she whispers. “I can’t find the exit…” “I have you,” he assures her.

Ryke looks between his brother and my sister, and then his eyes falls to me, and I think he sees a girl who can possibly help his brother rather than send him down that dark road. I won’t let Lo drink. I am here for him, just as he is for me.

“Did you see Captain America?” I ask. And his face lights up. He stares down at me as we walk, and the guilt begins to wash away. “Yeah, who the fuck thinks he can fly?” I smile. I love him. More than sex. More than anything.

AW

She gave him the classic ultimatum. Me or her. And he chose to protect my sister.

Ryke plays poker with Daisy.

My head rests on his chest and a slow contentedness washes over me. I never thought I’d be able to feel so…still. He tucks a piece of my hair behind my ear, and I feel his warm breath on my forehead. “We made it,” he murmurs.

His eyes stay on mine, never leaving. I don’t break our gaze, filled with seven days of need and want and tension. I refuse to stare at his lips or his abs or any other part of him. I want Loren Hale. The man, the lover, the guy who fills me with happiness and bliss. Not just the body.

“I already have a motorcycle, Dais.” “These are faster than your Honda.” Clearly they have talked “motorcycle” before if she knows what sits outside his apartment.

“You don’t have to match me. I’m not trying to up the bid, but it’s really all I have that you could want.”

But I want to go comfort Lo. My chest hurts just watching the back of him. I bite my nails, catch myself and drop my hand.

“I’m not killing you,” Ryke repeats. Her smile fades. “Ryke,” she says, “I’m going to figure out how to ride a motorcycle with or without you. I was just giving you the opportunity to have one of the bikes. I know you want it.” He stares off, deep in thought, and then he shakes his head repeatedly, cringing. “Fuck.” “What?” He covers his face with his hand. “I can’t stop picturing you flipping the bike over.” “I haven’t fallen off yet,” she reminds him.

My throat closes up, but I manage to barely breathe a word. One word. “Lo.”

OMG

“You’re okay,” Lo says, pulling me onto his lap. His arm swoops around my waist as he holds me tight to his chest. I can’t look anywhere but at my hands. They seem so empty all of a sudden. And then he grabs them and squeezes tight. “I have you.” But I am falling so quickly. I am drowning, Lo.

What have I done? I didn’t realize that my addiction would hurt him if it became public. He’s now the sad sap who was fucked over by the slut. By me. How do I make this right? There’s no way to change this. How do I erase years and years of mistakes? I want to go back in time. I want to tell myself that I don’t need to sleep around to satisfy this emptiness in me. That the guy I love is right there in front of my eyes. That he can be more than a friend. That I don’t need anyone else in the whole universe but Loren Hale. And if I had just done that, everything would have turned out right. I would not be sitting here listening to my past mistakes. I would have spent four years with Lo like I’m doing right now. Committed. Fulfilled. Happy.

i feel so bad omg

I want Lo to live in a world where I don’t hurt him. Please, someone, make that come true. Lo untangles me a little. He kisses my forehead and tries to let me cling back to him and not my bony legs. I slowly crawl onto his lap and press my cheek to his chest, listening to his unsteady heartbeat. I remain hidden, not vacating the safety of Lo’s shirt and avoiding the look of hurt and betrayal on Daisy’s face that I am sure exists tenfold.

I slide from Lo’s lap, but he intertwines my fingers with his. It helps. It makes me not want to drown so much.

Daisy hates to see people upset. I forgot that about her. She just wants everyone to be happy.

i relate to daisy i fear

Telling Rose was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but this is worse. Because I told Rose on my own accord, but in this instance, someone has played my hand, forcing me into it. There is no compassion in telling her my secret. It’s just…necessary.

My strong, fearless sister.

daisy is so fearless by taylor coded

My eyes flicker to the back cabin door where the bed lies. I wish she was here. She’s like a prickly iron chair that will weather any battle.

i love their relationship so much

Thinking about it reminds me of all the moments we’ve shared. From childhood to adolescence to adulthood. We have lived together, loved together, and fucked up together. I’m not sure many people can truly say that about someone else.

“Go talk to them,” I say. Daisy sniffs and stares at her phone. “I just like this song.” Ryke puts a hand on her shoulder. “Rose should talk to your parents first anyway.” She shakes her head. “No, it’s okay.”

“I have to go pee,” I mutter, about to stand up. I can imagine the sheer horror on my father’s face. On my mother’s. I don’t think I can ever confront them. Lo grabs my wrist before I rise from the couch. “You shouldn’t be alone right now.” “I just have to pee,” I tell him again, tugging his hand off me. He gives me a look like do you really? No, I don’t. I want to cry in solitude. I guess he knows this, and I understand his fear that I’ll avoid my emotions with self-love like I’ve done in the past.

“Hey, Lily.” Ryke comes over and nudges my side. “I don’t want to talk to my mom, so how about we play cards?” He glances to Lo. “And you need to talk to your therapist.” “I can stay here.” Ryke gives him a firm look.

“We’re flying over Georgia right now,” I hear Daisy say. “We shouldn’t be long.” Her voice shakes really badly. I don’t like that she’s talking to our parents first. Ryke’s concerned gaze flits between Daisy and his cards.

Ryke hands me his eight and grumbles under his breath about how this is the stupidest fucking game. But he’s partially concentrated on my sister in the corner. “I can’t wake her up,” Daisy says, her voice growing more frantic and low. “Wait, please…I don’t want to…Mom.” Ryke stands up before I can find the strength to put weight on my gelatin legs. He goes over to the four-chair alcove. He has to lean over a glowering Melissa to reach Daisy. “Give me the phone,” he whispers, but I can still hear his hostile voice. “Mom,” Daisy says. “I have to go…But…I…Wait…I…” Ryke grabs the phone from her before she has a breakdown.

“Ryke?” “Yeah?” “Whatever happens, you’ll take care of him, right?” He goes rigid. “I don’t know what that fucking means.” “It means what it means,” I breathe. “He doesn’t have anyone besides you and me. I just need to know you’ll be there.” “And so will you,” he snaps.

“You and Lo have it so warped. You think you’re indebted to your parents because they gave you everything you have. But they didn’t give you what fucking mattered. They owe you. They owe you for not asking why their daughter isn’t home. Why she looks distant and sad. Why she has barricaded herself in a fucking apartment with her boyfriend. They have failed you, and if they tell you to get on a fucking plane or go to rehab—where we all know you shouldn’t be—then you need to tell them to go to hell. And if you don’t, Lo and I will. I promise you that.” The right words stay at the back of my throat—thanks, Ryke. It’s a hard phrase to produce, especially when he delivers his opinions with such fervor and force. I land on something though. “Go Fish.” He lets out a short laugh as he reaches for the deck. “You’ll be fine, Calloway.” At least one of us believes it.

“Hey, I’m just as fucking livid as you are.” “I don’t think that’s possible,” I say, my voice slightly breaking. I don’t want to be talking to him while Lily looks one second from opening the hatch and jumping from the plane without a parachute. And every time I picture her crying like that—goddamn, I can’t start. I rub my eyes to push back the emotions. I want to kick the wall so fucking hard, and I swallow a scream that needs to escape. “Whoever this motherfucker is,” my father says, “I will personally rip him a new asshole, Loren. You hear me? He’s not getting away with this shit.”

But I can’t discuss alcohol. Even the thought makes my stomach turn. Because Lily shouldn’t be worried if I’m going to relapse. The world is crashing down on her shoulders, and I don’t want to add to that weight. I let out a long breath, bearing her pain that feels so much a part of me. We’ve become entangled, years and years of lies and childhood memories and stories all wrapped into one. I know her better than her sisters. I know her sometimes better than she does herself. I know just how much this is killing her inside. And then one thought punctures me. I’m here. I could be at a bar. Passed out cold. I could be in rehab. Away from her. I have the chance to be by her side through all of this. So go, you stupid bastard. That’s what it takes. I’m out the door.

“One day, you're going to have to make a choice. You have to decide what kind of man you want to grow up to be. Whoever that man is, good character or bad, is going to change the world.”

i love these random quotes

Rose isn’t taking the leak very well. She keeps fixing her hair and smoothing her dress. Connor has to grab her hands to stop her. And as I look between the three Calloway girls—Rose in a frazzled state, Daisy drifting far away, and Lil with a sad, soft voice—I get it. I get what Ryke sees and what he feels. I have this insane wish to just make things right again, to plug all the cracks in our lives—just for the small, sliver of hope that these girls will be able to stand up on their own for one more day. I think the six of us—we’re all strong. We’re each just a different kind of strong. But we all have a different kind of weak too. And I’m figuring out how to bottle my weakness to help them all.

Her worry cracks her voice. I rub her arm, and she holds onto my bicep for support.

Another part of me thinks maybe I shouldn’t know. Because I have a penchant for hurting people who hurt Lily or me. And I don’t want to be the guy who threatens someone else’s future anymore. I don’t want to become my father.

“I just got off the phone with a friend,” Connor says. “You have other friends?” I ask with a frown. Why, out of everything, does this bother me? Maybe I’m too fucking emotional right now.

not lo being jealous that connor has other friends lmfao

I turn to Connor who relaxes against the couch. His arm stays around Rose’s shoulders, and I realize that he’s subtly massaging her neck so she’ll be more at ease.

“You’re not related to Lily or me. If you want out, you should probably leave now before things worsen.” I expect Rose to spit at me for untethering her own boyfriend from this complicated matter. Because it’d mean that Connor would have to leave her too. But she’s busy texting on her cell, inhaling sharp breaths every so often that sound like knives slicing her lungs. I even saw her pop some kind of medication. “Rose already showed me where the door is,” Connor says. “I’m fairly capable of knowing when and how to walk out of it.” “The media may get worse,” I remind him, but I forget that Connor has probably weighed all the possibilities in his head, and maybe even created a mental spreadsheet of the pros and cons of the situation. “Yes, and you’ll need someone who doesn’t curse every five words to handle the press.” Ryke rolls his eyes, the dig clearly referring to him. “Journalism major,” Ryke says, pointing to his chest. “I know the press better than you, Cobalt.” “And do you really plan on doing anything with that degree?” Ryke says nothing. “Exactly.”

“Like I said, Lo,” Connor finishes, “I know how to use the door.” Ryke nods to me. “You going to give me an out too?” “No, if I’m going down, you’re burning with me.” “Does that qualify as a brotherly obligation?” “For me, yeah.”

I suspect Greg Calloway and possibly my father are already working with a team of lawyers to subdue the crisis. One of the many reasons they’ll want to talk to us. I don’t trust them. But I do trust the people in this room, and that’s enough to put me at ease for the current moment.

“If this is going to be a Q&A, then I have a couple questions as well,” Ryke says. I smile bitterly. “Of course you do.” Daisy throws the nearest pillow at him. “This is my Q&A.” He catches the pillow. “Now you’re throwing my things, but you won’t sit on the damn beanbag?” “You’re pushy—did anyone ever tell you that?” “I do all the time,” I say. “He never listens.” Ryke raises his hands like what the fuck. “I’m sorry if I can tell that there’s an uncomfortable girl on my fucking floor, and I know how to fix the problem.”

“Not sensitive,” he says softly, almost hesitant. “I think guarded and defensive are better words.” His eyes fill with apologies, not wanting to hurt me like my father does. Ryke doesn’t have the same fear as me, the one where I turn into Jonathan Hale. But for a moment, Ryke must have tasted what it was like to be him. I personally know it isn’t pleasant. After a deep breath, I say, “I can’t help it. I’m always going to be defensive when it comes to Lily.” “We’re her sisters,” Rose pipes in. “Everyone in this room loves Lily and you. We are the last people you should be guarded around.”

Her mother concentrated on Daisy, on Rose, who could be more successful in other facets. But Lily—her worth centered on a guy. Me. And I think, somewhere in her head, she believed it herself. That she would never amount to anything more than pleasing other men. That she was destined for a life less than her sister’s.

A dream, a passion, a hobby, a fucking sport. Sex became all of those things for Lily. And I never stopped her. Not once. I was so consumed with my addiction that I didn’t care what the hell she did, as long as she was breathing at the end of the night. As long as she was by my side—my best fucking friend.

The fact that Rose is defending me does not entirely help. I’m used to her tearing me down, not building me up. I keep waiting for someone to thrash me with their words, with their feelings. With hate. I deserve that pain. It’s my fucking fault.

It’s like they’re my conscience, and yet, they’re only my friends. For the first time, I have them, and I feel tears build at the words that I never thought I’d hear. It’s not your fault. Yeah, I’m getting there. I can believe it one day, I think.

aw

“Don’t internalize your feelings when you hear what people are saying. If they upset you then let it out.” She also told me to make light of every painful situation—to uncover a silver lining and humor in all the bad.

Besides, who stares at that body part and thinks, wow, that’s the most beautiful vagina I’ve ever seen? Likewise, penises are not all that pretty. I may enjoy them, but I’m not about to snap a picture and decorate my wall. Eyes are beautiful. Sex parts are functional.