Addicted for Now (Addicted #3)

by Krista Ritchie

“You’re trying not to be deviant anymore. This is bad.” He shocks me one more time and I wince. “Understand that we’re trying to relate these images to a negative stimuli. You should reach the point where these images don’t arouse you anymore. We’re going to shock the whore out of you, one way or the other.”

WTF

My favorite part of therapy is the ride home. Even though I feel like I’m a million leagues below the sea, Lo never stops talking. He brings me back to the surface.

AW

“You did do something. You were there for me when no one else was.”

Lily has accepted my mail-sifting routine with Rose, also calling it our “bonding time.” I haven’t been Rose’s number one fan, not even after the media-palooza went down. But what was once a frost-bitten relationship has surprisingly begun to thaw.

She’s never referred to it as my or our wedding. It’s always the wedding. Marriage is supposed to be this happily ever after, but for her it feels like a means to an end.

And then Ryke says, “If I go, you think he’ll lay off you?” “Is that even a question?” Ryke nods. “All right. Let’s go.” “Are you sure?” He would do that? He’d go stomach a whole hour or two with our father just so the verbal assaults are redirected his way? “Yeah. I’m sure.” I don’t know what I’m feeling. My lungs seem to lift from my chest, and I know what word I want to say. I know what word I can’t. Thank you. In this moment, I truly feel like I have a brother. One that’s probably too good for me.

aw

Ryke rubs his jaw in agitation and looks around the patio like he’s trying to find some excuse to leave, but then his gaze drifts to me and he stops searching for that escape.

He wished I wasn’t alive. But truth is, I kind of did too. Until I looked at Lily. Until I talked to her. I don’t think I could have survived this life without that girl.

AW

The only person I told was Lily. That’s the only one who mattered.

Talking can be overrated.

real

Spider-Man (the Andrew Garfield version),

he's so fine

Lo pitched Superheroes & Scones to his father as a marketing strategy for Halway Comics. But I know the idea has nothing to do with his company. What he did was buy me something of my own, something I could look forward to after college. He found me happiness, and I think it’s worth more than any silly engagement ring. A store that sells coffee, scones, and comic books. It’s perfect. And for once, we’re doing something good with our inheritance rather than wasting it away. For two people unwilling to let anyone in, sharing this intimate part of our lives—the nostalgic happiness of comics—has to mean something.

AW

“There’s a difference between courage and pride. Believe me, I’d sleep better at night knowing she had a bodyguard.”

“What I mean to say is that I’m trying not to be afraid for her. Since we were teenagers, she has always looked to me for reassurance, even if she won’t admit it. I’m her…rock.” He stares off as he finds the right words. “The unwavering thing. Confident, poised, unrelenting and annoyingly persuasive. If she sees that I’m frightened, she’ll gloat on the outside, as though I lost a round of chess, but internally she’ll begin to question herself. And I don’t particularly like when Rose loses her confidence and becomes less self-assured. She’s more vulnerable, and it breaks my heart.”

AW

How can speaking be this hard?

real

I stare at the bright sky, just staring, just looking for something that will never reveal itself to me. What the hell am I doing here? Not just here, at this house. I feel like I was born to destroy people’s lives. I did it before I even came into the world. And I did it after. You were going to take all of that from me.

Because then I wouldn’t have to bear this pain. My face wouldn’t twist this way. Lily wouldn’t have spent her childhood in my broken house. Her mother would have loved her as much as she did her sisters. Ryke would have grown up with two parents instead of one. My existence ruined so many people, so many things. Life would have been easier without me.

Her voice lowers and the door begins to close so I can’t see past her body and into her house. I can’t see the life that I never would’ve had.

I take a step back, my eyes flitting over the house, over something that I don’t want to destroy. I ruin everything I touch.

Right as I’m about to leave this all behind, something else catches my eye in the window. A girl. A child. No older than two or three. She peers through the glass, clutching a stuffed dinosaur. I see me. Growing up and being lied to. Never knowing about my brother and finding the answers in the most jarring, horrific way. The secrets. The betrayal. I face Emily again. She seems at peace with her decision and her life, but she’s repeating the same mistake as my father. As Sara Hale. She doesn’t see it now, but the lies she weaves will eat at her family from the inside out.

“I want you to masturbate. You’ll be shocked until your brain responds to the negative stimuli.”

WHAT

“Whores like you are obsessed with male genitalia. You’re going to look at it, touch it, suck it and I’ll shock you until you’re nice and normal.”

WTF

Rose found my perfect therapist, Dr. Banning, after meeting with horrible ones. And I wonder if she had to put up with situations like this for me, just so I would avoid it. I know she did. I know because I remember the look Connor and her shared when they were discussing therapists they visited together.

i love rose sm

My hands tremble as I slip out my cell and dial a number quickly. I just want to hear her voice. I press my forehead against the wheel, no more energy to even keep my head upright. “Where are you?” Lily asks with worry. “You were supposed to call hours ago. Your flight landed, right?” “Yeah, I’m on my way home,” I lie. “Are you still in New York? We can meet up for dinner,” she offers, probably not buying my lie.

HE NEEDS TO NOT GO INTO THE BAR OMG

“Please. Why do you love me?” I grip the phone harder, tears clouding my vision. “When we were eleven, we were at your house, reading comics,” she says, and for some reason I know exactly which memory she’s trying to draw for me. We were on my bed, surrounded by several open and splayed X-Men comics, and we would read the same one at the same time. She’d wait patiently for me to hurry up, her eyes skimming the panels quickly while I soaked in each line, each bleed of color. “Do you remember?” she asks after a long pause. “Yeah,” I say, my voice shaking. “We both knew you were kind of like Hellion. You make the wrong choices, even when you know where the right ones lie.” I nod to myself, tears spilling. I try to breathe a full breath, but the pain chokes me. “But that day, you said you aspired to be Cyclops. Scott Summers was strong. He took care of everyone in the face of crisis. He was a man that people wanted by their side.” Her voice shakes too, like she’s near tears. “Lo,” she says, “you’ve made it. You’re my Scott Summers, and without you, I wouldn’t be here.” I close my eyes and let that sink in. She doesn’t have to say, I love you because… The sentiment is attached to each and every word. She loves me because she believes I’m strong. She loves me because she’s a part of me. She loves me because I’ve become a better man through all of this. “Lo,” she continues. “Whatever Emily said, I need you to know that I’m not going anywhere. I’ll always be here when you come hom...

OMG AW

“Trust me,” I say. “I love you too,” she tells me. I turn on the ignition and let those words carry me.

All this time, I thought he stared at me like I was this royal douchebag—that I was some loser he had to stomach. But I know I was projecting. I wanted him to hate me. I was begging for it because I’m not worthy of anyone’s compassion.

“Having money doesn’t make you an unfeeling automaton. You’re human. You can still have problems. The difference is that you have the ability to fix them. You just have to want to. Not everyone can receive the same help you can or afford the rehab facility you went to.” My stomach curdles at the truth. “But that doesn’t mean your recovery can’t be difficult. It doesn’t mean that what people say on TV or in the tabloids doesn’t hurt as much. You still bleed like the rest of us. You can cry. You can be upset. That right has not been taken from you.”

“Underneath this rough, I-hate-myself-and-everyone-around-me exterior is a good guy. And I think that you have the ability to accomplish great things if you just start forgiving yourself.”

“Sometimes the person we think we’ll become is the person we already are, and the person we truly become is the person we least expect.”

I think he’s telling me that I have a chance. That the life I imagined—where I become the self-loathing man behind a desk, where I become my father—doesn’t have to be the one meant for me. I want to take the leap while my mind is clear, while I can see an alternative future that doesn’t look as grim. I want Lily. A house. The white picket fence kind of happiness. I didn’t ever think I deserved that, but maybe, one day, I can become the kind of person that does.

I’m ready to start the newest chapter of our lives. One where we’re not assaulted by our vices. One where we’re happy.

realized that it doesn’t matter what I can’t do with you,” I say. “We’re together…for real this time. No piece of paper or list can tell me what I’m missing. I have everything I could want.”

I look up to meet his gaze. It’s heady, intense, and fills me fuller than any other body part. I don’t break it. Not now. Not ever.

the eyes never lie

“So I’m the only one you like to embarrass?” Ryke asks me. “You can’t get embarrassed,” I remind him, “and you told me to be comfortable talking about sex, so it’s your fault.” It’s true I’ve opened up around Ryke, and I think we can even call each other friends now. “Fucking fantastic.”

i love them

Why is it that the people you come to love are the ones that seem to hurt you the most?

Lo won’t just be hurt by the news. He’ll be devastated. How can he handle another disappointment, another betrayal? Even imagining his reaction brings a flood of tears, dripping down my cheeks.

“Did you tell the press that Lily’s a sex addict?” Ryke asks, his eyes reddening as he suppresses more volatile emotions. He’s about to explode. I always wanted to see Ryke Meadows flinch, but not from something like this. “Ryke—” “Did you fucking tell them?!” he yells, clutching the granite counter. “Yes,” she suddenly says, touching her chest as though a weight has been lifted off. All this time, we assumed that the blackmailer was a man. Yet, here she stands. Lo is rigid beside me, and if the perpetrator was anyone else, he’d most likely be sending the person to hell with his words. I think we’re both more concerned for Ryke in this moment.

OMFG

Lo kisses my hand a couple times, and he wipes my tears with his thumb. I let go of his palm because I think we both know that I’m not the one crumbling right now. I don’t even need to nudge Lo. He’s beside his brother within the second.

“Meeting you was the best thing that’s ever happened to us. I’m sober and Lily’s in recovery. None of that would have been possible if it wasn’t for you.” He shakes Ryke, and a tear slips out of Lo’s eye. “You are the fucking reason I’m with the girl I love; you’re my brother, so don’t you ever feel guilty for what’s happened now. That’s not on you.”

Lily waits in the car for me, tapping her hands to the dashboard and singing aloud to whatever song blares through the speakers. I immediately smile.

I set my sights on Lily again. She is my past, my present, my future. So when I open the door and slide into the driver’s seat, I’m not surprised that it feels like I’m returning home.

AW

“She must be working late,” I say.

she's working late because she's a singerrr

The horny, insane part of me will probably miss her crazy sex drive. But the part of me that loves her, the one that I choose to listen to, is so fucking proud of this girl.

Her hands press to her lips, and I see that gaudy ring on her hand glinting back at me. It represents coercion and deception, all the wrong reasons for a marriage that should be filled with love. We have lived through lies for too long. I’m ready for this to be honest, not another sham. I’m so ready for her to take it off. Her eyes have already welled with tears and I haven’t even spoken yet. I pull out a small box from my pocket. Colorful and wrapped in comic book strips. All my nerves seep out of me. I am filled with something else, something warm and pure that makes me never want to leave this moment. “Lily Calloway, will you marry me? For real this time?” I open the box, and a ruby cut into a heart sparkles back at her. Diamonds circle it. “Yes!” She jumps a little, tears seeping out of the corners of her eyes. I rise to my feet, and with one kiss, I have her planted firmly back on Earth.

AW YAY

“I love it, Lo.” Her eyes twinkle as they meet mine. “I love you more.” After all we’ve been through. Years and years of mistakes, it feels like a dream to be here in this moment. Right now. Sober. Alive. With her.

“I confess, that I’d very much like to make love to you.” My heart flips at the last words. We never say make love. We fuck. We screw. We bang. Making love is for the soft-hearted without tar-coated pasts. Lily claims she doesn’t deserve to make love, but I’m determined to change her attitude.