Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

by Douglas Stone

Solving problems seems easier than talking about emotions.

Framing feelings out of the problem is one way we cope with the dilemma of whether to raise something or avoid it.

The problem is that when feelings are at the heart of what’s going on, they are the business at hand and ignoring them is nearly impossible.

In many difficult conversations, it is really only at the level of feelings that the problem can be addressed. Framing the feelings out of the conversation is likely to result in outcomes that are unsatisfying for both people.

Rather than share her feelings, Emma provokes an argument about the rules of professional communication. At no point does Emma say “I feel hurt” or “I feel angry” or “I’m terrified that you might be right,” yet these feelings have a significant effect on the conversation.

Unspoken feelings can color the conversation in a number of ways.

Studies show that while few people are good at detecting factual lies, most of us can determine when someone is distorting, manufacturing, or withholding an emotion. That’s because, if clogged, your emotional pipes will leak.

unexpressed feelings can create so much tension that you disengage:

For some of us, the problem is not that we are unable to express our feelings, but that we are unable not to. We get angry and show it in ways that are embarrassing or destructive.

We don’t cry or lose our temper because we express our feelings too often, but because we express them too rarely.

Unexpressed Feelings Make It Difficult to Listen

The two hardest (and most important) communication tasks in difficult conversations are expressing feelings and listening.

When people are having a hard time listening, often it is not because they don’t know how to listen well. It is, paradoxically, because they don’t know how to express themselves well. Unexpressed feelings can block the ability to listen.

Why? Because good listening requires an open and honest curiosity about the other person, and a willingness and ability to keep the spotlight on them. Buried emotions draw the spotlight back to us.

we have a record playing in our mind that is stuck in the groove of our own feelings:

It’s hard to hear someone else when we are feeling unheard, even if the reason we feel unheard is that we have chosen not to share. Our listening ability often increases remarkably once we have expressed our own strong feelings.

Feelings we are uncomfortable with disguise themselves as emotions we are better able to handle;

and most important, feelings transform themselves into judgments, accusations, and attributions.

Some of us find it easy to express disappointment, but difficult to express affection, pride, or gratitude.

Your awareness of and ability to express emotions will vary depending on whether you are with your mother, your best friend, your boss, or the person sitting next to you on the plane.

There are times when denying feelings serves a deeper psychological function: in the face of overwhelming anxiety, fear, loss, or trauma, removing yourself from your feelings can help you cope with daily life. As the saying goes, “Don’t knock down a wall until you know why it was put up.” At the same time, the reality is that unacknowledged feelings are going to have an effect on communication.

All things being equal, it is better to strive toward an understanding of your feelings, perhaps

There are several reasons why you may choose to honor others’ feelings even when it means dishonoring your own. The implicit rule you are following is that you should put other people’s happiness before your own.

When you are more concerned about others’ feelings than your own, you teach others to ignore your feelings too.

attributions, judgments, and accusations aren’t feelings.

Finding the feelings that are lurking around and under angry attributions and judgments is a key step in bringing feelings into a conversation effectively.

Use the Urge to Blame as a Clue to Find Important Feelings.

What is unsatisfying, though, is not the failure to express blame, but the failure to express feelings.

The urge to blame arises when the contribution system is explored in a feelings vacuum.

When we can’t seem to get past needing to say, “Admit it! This was your fault!” we should recognize that as an important clue that we...

our feelings are based on our perceptions, and our perceptions

What does it mean to negotiate with our feelings? Fundamentally, it involves a recognition that our feelings are formed in response to our thoughts.

it’s the story you tell yourself about what’s happening. In any given situation our feelings follow our thoughts.

This means that the route to changing your feelings is through altering your thinking.

Sharing feelings well and clearly requires thoughtfulness.

To become more familiar with yours, observe whether there are patterns to what tends to knock you off balance during difficult conversations, and then ask yourself why. What about your identity feels at risk? What does this mean to you? How would it feel if what you fear were true?

we don’t always respond as competently or compassionately as we’d like.

One reason people are reluctant to admit mistakes is that they fear being seen as weak or incompetent. Yet often, generally competent people who take the possibility of mistakes in stride are seen as confident, secure, and “big enough” not to have to be perfect, whereas those who resist acknowledging even the possibility of a mistake are seen as insecure and lacking confidence. No one is fooled.

if he’s able to accept himself and his actions for what they are, and to take responsibility for them, both in his own mind and when talking with Annie Mae,

approach her with compassion instead of fear.

“You never lose your balance. What is your secret?”

“I am constantly losing my balance. My skill lies in my ability to regain it.”

if you lose your balance, taking a break.

Better instead to go in with the purposes of giving them the news, of taking responsibility for your part in this outcome (but not more), of showing that you care about how they feel, and of trying to be helpful going forward.

If so, imagine they respond in the most difficult manner possible, and ask yourself, “What do I think this says about me?” Work through the identity issues in advance: “Is it okay for me to make someone cry? How will I respond? What if they attack my character or motivations? Then how would I respond?” The more prepared you are for how the other person might react, the less surprised you’ll be. If you’ve already considered the identity implications of how they might react, you are far less likely to be knocked off balance in the moment.

Sometimes projecting yourself into your own future can help you feel better about what’s happening now with the reassurance that eventually you’ll feel better, and that someday it may not seem so important.

Maintaining the charade of participation in the conversation at times like this is unlikely to be helpful to anyone.

Spend some quiet time weighing their attack on your judgment or arrogance against other information you have about yourself.

Check for denial. In what ways is what they are saying true? Check for exaggerations. What is the worst that could happen here? And what might you do right now to turn the conversation around?

You’ll be astounded how often difficult conversations are wrapped up in both people reacting to what the conversation seems to be saying about them.