Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

by Douglas Stone

The question of who intended what is central to our story about what’s happening in a difficult situation. Intentions strongly influence our judgments of others:

They are engaged in a classic battle over intentions:

The First Mistake: Our Assumptions About Intentions Are Often Wrong

Here’s the problem: While we care deeply about other people’s intentions toward us, we don’t actually know what their intentions are. We can’t. Other people’s intentions exist only in their hearts and minds. They are invisible to us.

Much of the first mistake can be traced to one basic error: we make an attribution about another person’s intentions based on the impact of their actions on us. We feel hurt; therefore they intended to hurt us. We feel slighted; therefore they intended to slight us. Our thinking is so automatic that we aren’t even aware that our conclusion is only an assumption. We are so taken in by our story about what they intended that we can’t imagine how they could have intended anything else.

We attribute intentions to others all the time.

When we’re the ones acting, we know that much of the time we don’t intend to annoy, offend, or upstage others. We’re wrapped up in our own worries, and are often unaware that we’re having any negative impact on others. When

We Assume Bad Intentions Mean Bad Character. Perhaps the biggest danger of assuming the other person had bad intentions is that we easily jump from “they had bad intentions” to “they are a bad person.” We settle into judgments about their character that color our view of them and, indeed, affect not only any conversation we might have, but the entire relationship.

When you find yourself thinking “That traffic cop is a control freak” or “My boss is manipulative” or “My neighbor is impossible,” ask yourself why this is your view. What is it based on? If it’s based on feeling powerless, fearing manipulation, or being frustrated, notice that your conclusion is based solely on the impact of their behavior on you — which is not a sufficient basis to be sure of someone else’s intentions or character.

Our assumptions about other people’s intentions can also have a significant impact on our conversations.

would report that they were the victim of the other’s bad intentions.

they are the victim, and both think they are acting only to defend themselves. This is how well-intentioned people get themselves into trouble.

When we think others have bad intentions toward us, it affects our behavior. And, in turn, how we behave affects how they treat us. Before we know it, our assumption that they have bad intentions toward us has come true.

Good Intentions Don’t Sanitize Bad Impact

He assumes that because he had good intentions, Lori should not feel hurt. The thinking goes like this: “You said I meant to hurt you. I have now clarified that I didn’t. So you should now feel fine, and if you don’t, that’s your problem.”

The problem with focusing only on clarifying our intentions is that we end up missing significant pieces of what the other person is trying to say. When they say, “Why were you trying to hurt me?” they are really communicating two separate messages: first, “I know what you intended,” and, second, “I got hurt.” When we are the person accused, we focus only on the first message and ignore the second. Why? Because we feel the need to defend ourselves. Because Leo is so busy defending himself, he fails to hear that Lori is hurt. He doesn’t take in what this all means to her,

Working to understand what the other person is really saying is particularly important because when someone says “You intended to hurt me” that isn’t quite what they mean. A literal focus on intentions ends up clouding the conversation. Often we say “You intended to hurt me” when what we really mean is “You don’t care enough about me.” This is an important distinction.

This dynamic of attributing intentions, defending ourselves, and ignoring the impact we’ve had on others is especially common in conflicts between groups,

“I was hurt” to “You intended to hurt me.” You can make this distinction by asking yourself three questions: Actions: “What did the other person actually say or do?” Impact: “What was the impact of this on me?” Assumption: “Based on this impact, what assumption am I making about what the other person intended?”

make absolutely certain that you recognize that your assumption about their intentions is just an assumption. It is a guess, a hypothesis.

Share the Impact on You; Inquire About Their Intentions. You can use your answers to the three questions listed above to begin the difficult conversation itself: say what the other person did, tell them what its impact was on you, and explain your assumption about their intentions, taking care to label it as a hypothesis that you are checking rather than asserting to be true.

The more you can relieve the other person of the need to defend themselves, the easier it becomes for them to take in what you are saying and to reflect on the complexity of their motivations.

being accused of bad intentions — we have a strong tendency to want to defend ourselves: “That is not what I intended.” We are defending our intentions and our character. However, as we’ve seen, starting here leads to trouble.

if you start by listening and acknowledging the feelings, and then return to the question of intentions, it will make your conversation significantly easier and more constructive.

Understanding how we distort others’ intentions, making difficult conversations even more difficult, is crucial to untangling what happened between us.

Focusing on blame is a bad idea because it inhibits our ability to learn what’s really causing the problem and to do anything meaningful to correct it.

At heart, blame is about judging and contribution is about understanding.

When we say “This was your fault,” it is shorthand for giving condemning answers to all three questions. We mean not only that you caused this, but that you did something bad and should be punished. It’s no wonder that blame is such a loaded issue, and that we are quick to defend ourselves when we sense its approach.

When blame is in play, you can expect defensiveness, strong emotion, interruptions, and arguments

When we blame someone, we are offering them the role of “the accused,” so they do what accused people do: they defend themselves any way they can.

when our goal is to understand what actually happened so that we can improve how we work together in the future.

Focusing on the contributions of both the boss and the assistant — seeking understanding rather than judgment — is critical.

As a rule, when things go wrong in human relationships, everyone has contributed in some important way.

focusing on blame is a waste of time. It neither helps you understand the problem looking back, nor helps you fix it going forward.

“You are responsible for ruining our marriage! How could you do something so stupid and hurtful?!” Here, you are focusing on blame as a proxy for your feelings. Speaking more directly about your strong feelings—“I feel devastated by what you did” or “My ability to trust you has been shattered”—actually reduces the impulse to blame. Over

If you find yourself mired in a continuing urge to blame, or with an unceasing desire for the other person to admit that they were wrong, you may find some relief by asking yourself: “What feelings am I failing to express?” and “Has the other person acknowledged my feelings?”

“It was my fault,” but rather “I understand that I hurt you and I’m sorry.” The first statement is about judgment, the second about understanding.

If we are looking to help you feel empowered in the world, we would encourage you to find your contribution.

Simply by changing your own behavior, you gain at least some influence over the problem.

One of the best ways to signal that you want to leave behind the question of who’s to blame is to acknowledge your own contribution early

I

Help Them Understand Their Contribution

To make sure that you’re working from the same information and understand each other’s interpretations,

By jotting down the things that triggered you to react, you are starting to get a handle on the actions and reactions that make up the contribution system. Clarify What You Would Have Them Do Differently.

In addition to explaining what triggered your reaction, you should be prepared to say what you would have them do differently in the future, and explain how this would help you behave differently as well. The husband trying to repair the relationship

Making a specific request for how the other person can change their contribution in the service of helping you change yours can be a powerful way of helping them understand what they are doing to create and perpetuate the problem. And it goes to the heart of the purpose of understanding the contribution system — to see what you each need to do differently to influence and improve the situation.

If we deny that the emotions are there, then maybe we can avoid the consequences of feeling them.

Feelings are too powerful to remain peacefully bottled. They will be heard one way or another, whether in leaks or bursts. And if handled indirectly or without honesty, they contaminate communication.

managing feelings can be enormously challenging.

Our failure to acknowledge and discuss feelings derails a startling number of difficult conversations. And the inability to deal openly and well with feelings can undermine the quality and health of our relationships.