The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World

by Alan Downs

He no longer pushes away various parts of himself or hides his shortcomings among many lovers or within the sanctuary...

slow, mindful, and naturally evolving ways.

this change centers around the parts of his life that were based on shame.

Relationships, sexual practices, material appetites, friends, and lifestyle were built during the first two stages as a means to deal with toxic shame. Now, those choices no longer seem useful.

What would mine bee? What are my unhealthy resolutions?

The thought of sitting around another table while the guests each took turns extolling the latest indulgence they had experienced now bored him beyond description.

stage three is all about letting go of fabulous and being yourself, however glamorous—or not—that is.

By showing yourself—your complete self—to the world around you, the world can respond with validation of what is real about you.

but when it does, the validation satisfies that deep longing within.

begins to dissipate as does all of its disguised expressions.

Anxiety? Intrusive thoughts?

they were upset but seemed to get through it fairly well, although they didn’t ask about the details of John’s life.

first, he turned out to be gay; and second, he couldn’t keep a long-term relationship.

The more pain I can take, the more of a man I am.

Intimacy is sex; sex is intimacy.

those masculine stereotypes are as much a part of the fabric of our lives as they are for straight men.

the relationship with your father became a template from which your relationships with all other men would come.

This kind of relationship with a woman is wonderful, but left a huge hole in our experience with men.

(without the intervention of a woman)?

They are expected to be the ones to nurture their husband and compensate for his lack of emotional disclosure.

he was just as likely struggling in stage one or two as we were.

the pain of that first gay relationship falling apart only confirms the fear that a gay man can never have a happy life and committed relationship.

Two deeply emotionally wounded people cannot form a healthy relationship. They may struggle, compromise, and even stay together, but until they each heal their own wounds, the relationship will always be a struggle.

Can they not help each other heal ?

the lost innocence convinced many among us that being in a relationship made things worse, not better.

only way to be happy was to be single and emotionally unattached to the men with whom we have sex. That way, we would no longer be hurt and disappointed when the relationship inevitably failed.

It confirmed all my fears about gay relationships—all the ‘it isn’t natural and it will never work’ stuff.

He is constantly scanning the relationship environment for signs of betrayal or abuse, and this expenditure of energy alone transforms a relationship from a satisfying experience into very tiring job.

to live with a man who interprets even small things as relationship-destroying or who privately assumes that the relationship will not exist in the future.

the relationship trauma victim often behaves in such as way as to elicit more rejection and even ...

Once one man has been seriously betrayed by another man—a man with whom he also shares a bed, food, money, and life—all men become fundamentally unsafe.

“second only to HIV, betrayal is the most devastating gay epidemic.”

Relationship hopelessness is present when a gay man no longer believes that a relationship can be a fulfilling endeavor.

Betrayal is a product of the betrayer’s woundedness and not the fault of the betrayed.

then we must either find a partner who is not wounded, or find a partner who is willingly and actively working on his own emotional wounds.

The latter becomes the requirement of all gay men who wish to heal their relationship trauma.

Acceptance allows us to move on to prevention and regain a sense of control over our lives.

the betrayal we perpetrated was the result of our own wounds.

we see that we are capable of inflicting great pain upon our lovers.

reported that they are exclusively a “top” because of a violent or forceful rape in the past.

When he feels angry in the relationship, it immediately goes into shame for feeling angry.

He cannot talk with his partner about the problems because he feels so much shame about his role in creating the problems.

Emotional withdrawal is often triggered by perceived invalidation within a relationship.

once he senses that his partner is drawing closer to him emotionally, he backs off and becomes emotionally distant and removed.

one partner woos and seduces the other partner by showing his tender and vulnerable side. Once the other is drawn into his shower of affection and attention, he backs away and becomes distant,

It creates a belief that one is helpless to change or positively influence relationships.

Many men who experience relationship helplessness find themselves staying in a bad relationship because they believe that it would be the same in any other relationship.

At least then there would have been bruises as evidence of the injury. Instead, it was a slow drain on me that eventually destroyed my self confidence.”

Joy emerges from inside you and is intrinsically generated.

Real joy comes more from such things as enjoying another’s company, connecting emotionally, and common core values.

you are wanting to experience a man who stirs an unspeakable happiness within you.

He brings you real joy, and you to him, and that’s all that matters.

integrate all parts of oneself, or more formally, the state of being undivided.