The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World

by Alan Downs

We hope to fall asleep at night fulfilled from our day’s endeavors.

It’s safe to estimate that virtually every gay man has wondered on more than a few occasions if it is truly possible to be consistently happy and a gay man.

we are a wounded lot.

Instead, we seem to struggle more, suffer more, and want more. The gay life isn’t cutting it for most of us.

“Overwhelmed by Shame”

“Compensating for Shame”

by being more successful, outrageous, fabulous, beautiful, or masculine.

“Discovering Authenticity.”

Until a gay man is ready to reexamine his life, he may not be able to realize the undercurrent of shame that has carried him into a life that often isn’t very fulfilling.

“The truth is rarely pure and never simple.”

It is an irrepressible drive and a constant longing that, when unfulfilled, will last a good long time, likely into adulthood.

abandonment by your parents was akin to death,

you avoided abandonment at all costs.

starting at the ages of four to six, your parents realized that you were different.

they may have treated you in a different manner than your siblings or differently than your friends’ parents treated them.

You, too, began to understand that you were different.

you became increasingly aware that you weren’t like other boys—maybe

maybe even not like you...

equally expanding fear that our “different-ness” would cause us to lose the love and ...

forced us to find a way—any way—to retain our...

would could change the wa...

We could hide our differences, ingratiate ourselves to our mothers, and distance ourselves from our fathers whom we somehow knew would destr...

Could not be more true

it is on the playground that we probably first began to consciously think about how we were different from other boys.

I can remember sitting alone on the playground even when I was in kindergarten.

There was something about us that was disgusting, aberrant, and essentially unlovable.

The natural and organic expectation of a boy is that he will be nurtured and cared for by both a mother and a father.

Gay marriage??

the only authentic validation we may have experienced as a young man came from our mothers.

Peel away the well-crafted layers, for only then can you see the secret clearly for what it is: his own self-hatred.

Others confess feeling over-the-hill at thirty-five, as if life were over because the twenty-somethings no longer want them.

it is still very hard to be a gay man and a truly happy person.

We hid because we learned that hiding is a means to survival.

but emotionally disabled by an environment that taught us we were unacceptable, not “real” men and therefore, shameful.

I am unacceptably flawed.

we picked up the idea that a happy gay man was one who had lots of sex and at least one handsome man on his arm at all times.

past time for us to realize that living the ideal gay life isn’t humane in the least.

Why are my intimate relationships short-lived?

The wound is the trauma caused by exposure to overwhelming shame at an age when you weren’t equipped to cope with it. An emotional wound caused by toxic shame is a very serious and persistent disability that has the potential to literally destroy your life.

It is the internalized and deeply held belief that you are somehow unacceptable, unlovable, shameful, and in short, flawed. What

prevents us from developing a strong sense of self.

we played the part and took girls to the prom so that we’d fit in, all the while knowing it was a farce.

we knew at the deepest level that we were play-acting.

Just being acknowledged, recognized, or heard is a low-level form of validation.

when a gay man presents a false, inauthentic self to the world and is subsequently validated for that façade, he will feel hollow, and the validation won’t be satisfying.

immediately and unconsciously discounts all validation since he knows what he is presenting to others isn’t authentic.

authentic validation inoculates us from the ravages of shame.

Without the inoculating effects of authentic validation, shame is debilitating. It is a hugely powerful emotion that is very distressing. It causes us to immediately withdraw and try to hide.

The first tactic is to avoid situations that evoke feelings of shame

The second tactic is to elicit validation to compensate for the shame

Because we are very vulnerable to shame and because it is triggered so easily within us, our lives become solely focused on avoiding shame and seeking validation.

Almost everything becomes either an avoidance strategy or an invitation for validation.