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Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
Alan Downs
Read between
June 21, 2018 - January 21, 2019
The avoidance of shame becomes the single most powerful, driving force in his life.
Who he is, what he really likes, his true passion, and more are all colored and buried beneath the façade he has developed to avoid shame.
but as he grows older he becomes increasingly aware that he doesn’t really know what he wants out of life and what might make him ultimately fulfilled and content.
his awareness of this deficit grows, causing various maladies including deepening depression, conflictual and faltering relationships, substance abuse, and sleepless anxiety.
A good job, a beautiful home, lavish holidays, and exotic vacations are the tools he uses.
even a prestigious position at the local church or synagogue.
Other gay men seek validation through sexual conquest and adoration.
Sometimes, even the smallest of perceived slights ignites a flash of red-hot anger within him:
he withdraws into an angry emotional shell,
he hides his anger in the velvet glove, quickly returning to the gracious friend and lover he aspires to be.
always sensitive to the slightest invalidation to which he responds with swift rage.
we don’t often experience the shame in its full intensity.
Inhibited emotions are those feelings that we successfully avoid and therefore don’t feel.
Sometimes inhibited emotions influence our lives more than emotions we feel.
The truth is that the avoidance of shame and rage as much as the actual experiencing of these emotions troubles us.
on the occasions that we do feel the shame and rage, we feel them with an intensity that is beyond what the circumstance merits.
we tend to overreact.
gay men are known for a cynical and biting sense of humor.
Society has come to recognize and appreciate the sharp-tongued, “bitchy” humor of gay men.
one of the primary problems troubling gay male relationships seeking couple’s therapy is this hypersensitivity to invalidation and the ensuing flight into anger.
The crash occurs when we are overwhelmed with rage, and all rational thought comes to an abrupt halt. The
Sometimes, when we are able to stop ourselves from lashing out, we simply retreat, mulling over the distress and sinking deeper into the emotion.
I am extremely good at avoiding lashing out which means I spend a lot of time mulling over things emotionally.
like anger, it always seeks a target.
The second is ourselves, by internalizing the rage through self-hatred and depression.
When we target our rage on those around us, we inevitably push them away, creating an environment of mistrust and confusion in our relationships.
we find our inner circle of friendship is always in a state of flux, with most close relationships lasting only a few years, at best.
So true. So hArd to keep friends for very long.
when we focus our rage internally, we do even greater damage.
Internalized rage manifests in self-defeating patterns of behavior:
financial irrespon...
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They are shamed by their innermost feelings and fantasies, and that shame quickly transforms into rage that is directed toward eliminating homoerotic feelings.
Old friends who aren’t comfortable with you being gay, begin to fall away.
you form a network of gay men and gay-friendly others.
the desire grows within you once again to silence the shame that once overwhelmed you.
you begin to attack it vigorously, attempting to prove to yourself that you are worthwhile and loveable as a gay man.
We rarely do things that are quiet, reserved, and commonplace.
striving for validation from others, even if it is not earned authentically.
Now, we are driven by the deeper shame of believing that we are flawed.
the harder it becomes for us to tolerate invalidation.
collect everything from stamps to the finest pedigree bulldogs.
We play a role, one that we have mastered over years of being on stage, that seduces our beautiful conquest-to-be.
It is the validation of a façade that we masterfully erect.
choose instead to grab the nearest and brightest flag that will draw the attention
a low tolerance for invalidation rises to the surface.
he is highly distressed by whatever perceived invalidation he experiences,
usually in volves either removing himself from the invalidating situation, silencing the source of invalidation, or both.
Living with him was like walking on thin ice ... you never knew when it would break and you’d plunge into freezing cold water.”
we either avoid the person who is invalidating us or we strike out at them, verbally, physically, or passively.
for months afterward he simply refuses to be helpful in any way
He may emotionally shut down with his lover after a perceived invalidation and refuse to share anything other than the mundane details of life for some time following the incident.
The rejected partner perceives a deep and intolerable invalidation by being turned down, and he reacts by withdrawing sexually.
