More on this book
Community
Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
Steve Peters
Anger is usually easier to hold on to than going through grief but anger doesn’t help anyone.
This is the power to Accept, and then Move on, with a Plan.
Bottling emotions (trying to box an upset Chimp) is probably the worse thing that you can do because it will come back to attack you and others.
When you have got things off your chest it will ease the stress and you will start to unwind.
Always start at the starting point
However, many people start from where they want to be and what they want to have and then look to see how far off they are and become demoralised.
‘Every day I am improving and the healing process moves forward.’
The Human will be in charge and positive chemicals get released in your head.
If you start from where you want to be and what you want to have then you will be saying, ‘I want to be fully well again and have no problem with my leg.’
If you are worried or stressed about something, imagine you are going forward in a time machine to ten years ahead from now and you are looking back at the current situation.
These individual stresses are nearly always related to the way in which you perceive the situation and the beliefs that you are holding, which lead to an interpretation of threat.
Not making decisions is one of the commonest causes of stress on a day-to-day basis.
The stress is coming from the consequences and not the decision-making.
In circumstances such as this, the Chimp will do two things. It will stop you from making decisions for fear of getting it wrong and it will also make the consequences seem catastrophic, even if they are not, in order to stop you moving.
Decision-making path • First gather all the information possible to make the decision. • Accept that some information may never be available and some will arrive too late – so ignore this because you can’t do anything about it. • Look at the consequences of making each choice and see if one is serious – accept that both choices will have consequences. • Tell your Chimp to stop making it into a catastrophe and get some perspective – be firm and remove or contain emotion. • If appropriate try laughing at yourself or at the situation – it’s better than crying. • If you still can’t decide then
...more
The main point here is that if you hold an expectation that anything in your life will remain constant then it is very likely to be a source of stress when it doesn’t.
When it comes to dealing with problems and responsibilities in life, it is very important to make a distinction between problems that are your responsibility (chicks) and problems are the responsibility of others (goslings).
If you start taking on other people’s problems and taking responsibility for them, then expect to become stressed. Not only are you likely to fail to help others but you will also fail to sort your own problems out. Beware of the goslings in life!
Summary key points • Have realistic expectations and remind yourself of the obvious: life is not fair; stress will happen; things will go wrong. • ‘Change’ represents a behaviour change and means that you will change your automatic response to stress from Chimp and Gremlins to Human and Autopilots. • Being proactive means looking ahead and avoiding obvious stress when you can. • ‘AMP’ represents Accept and Move on with a Plan and helps you to get over a stressful situation. • When stress appears, actively look for solutions to remove it. • Nearly all situations are only emotionally stressful
...more
Write out your plan of action for dealing with sudden stress. Try to rehearse this by using your imagination to think of stressful situations and how you will now respond with your new plan. Work through them in your mind and also think about how it will all conclude with a more productive outcome.
The starting point is to look at yourself and not to blame others or circumstances.
Chronic stress occurs when we don’t deal with stressful situations and start to accept them as normal.
If you are stressed then it is useful to write down anything that you can see that is causing or contributing to the stress.
Write down the problems on paper and don’t try to deal with them inside your head.
As a simple rule of thumb, when you have a problem causing stress, divide up the solution areas into three parts: 1. Your own perceptions and attitudes to the problem 2. The circumstances and setting for the problem 3. Other people involved in the problem
Chronic emotional stress often arises from your own expectations and perceptions of the world, of other people and of yourself.
Humans learn to live with concerns but do not allow worry to take place, as this is an unhelpful emotion.
Humans accept that solutions to problems take time and worrying your way to the solution is unhelpful. • Most worries are trivial in the long run and often take care of themselves. • Worrying never does any good. • Worrying is an option and we can choose not to worry. • Learning to get perspective and to laugh at yourself is the most powerful thing you can do. • Relaxing is a powerful worry remover.
is not accepting that there may need to be a compromise in both areas
As always, start with yourself and check that you are approaching the situation with realistic expectations.
Beating yourself up and guilt
‘How’ not ‘why’
An analogy – how to catch a monkey
Think what this means to you. If you allow yourself to hold on to ‘worthless stones’ you may end up giving your freedom away.
Malfunction means you are ill. The machine is not working properly and you need to see a doctor for treatment.
Dysfunction is when the machine is working fine but it is not being used properly or is not being looked after: it needs maintenance.
The Chimp, however, would rather not take any responsibility, go with the pleasure aspects, have immediate gratification and dismiss the consequences.
Instead start with a blank slate and define exactly what you want. When you know what you are aiming for then state how you will do it.
Start by stating what you want. Now make a plan of action without thinking of the hardship.
The three levels of recuperation could be seen as: • Relaxing • Resting • Sleeping
What are the consequences of not allowing yourself any one of these three levels of recuperation on a regular daily basis? The answer is frightening. Your brain will start sending the blood supply and all decision-making to your Chimp.
It can help to write down feelings and thoughts or to just take time to think them through.
The simple lesson is that, unless you’re a night-shift worker, during the hours of eleven at night and seven in the morning you are in Chimp mode with emotional and irrational thinking.
Try to develop an Autopilot that says I am not prepared to take any thinking seriously during night-time hours when the Chimp is in charge.
You would not be embarrassed to go to a doctor if you had broken your leg, so why should you be embarrassed if you have a serotonin receptor problem, that we happen to call depression?
There is little point in chasing after success, as defined by the Chimp, only to discover, on finding it, that it wasn’t what you really wanted in the first place.
If you choose the Human’s definition, then as long as you try, you cannot fail to be successful.
If you measure success in life by effort and doing your best, then it is always in your hands to succeed and to be proud of yourself.
Another point worth considering is that success does not have to be black and white. There can be levels of success and stages of success with shades of grey.
Partial successes are often reality checks on what you can realistically achieve.
