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Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
Steve Peters
Whenever a situation occurs where things are not going to plan, try to develop the habit of looking for solutions rather than dwelling on problems.
You can choose how much a situation bothers you.
Ask yourself how long you want to brood or dwell on something unpleasant that has passed and how long you want to stay in that frame of mind. Also ask what good is brooding doing?
One approach to life that is guaranteed to help you to be happy is to learn to laugh at yourself and keep a sense of humour, whenever you can.
Always be proactive in life, especially in relationships.
Try to deal with the cause of a situation and not the symptom.
Try now to name ten things under your control that you could do to make you feel happier. Then ask yourself if you have done them recently.
Within yourself you may feel fine but your Chimp will always demand something to look forward to, so nurture it by letting it know of future events.
Happy people tend to have things to look forward to.
The happiness audit and virtual twin
Replace the Gremlin with an Autopilot of seeing shades of grey and being flexible, as this is more likely to lead to a happier mood.
Watch out for things that you know will make you unhappy and actively avoid them whenever possible.
Unhappy people are often their own biggest critic.
Happy people learn to become their own biggest fan and accept themselves as they are and support themselves. It is a choice. Be happy by loving yourself, faults and all.
With this thinking there are only two ways to increase your confidence: either increase your ability to do something or brainwash yourself into believing that you can do it, even if you can’t.
Therefore the two choices for confidence are: to base your confidence on your belief in your ability, or to base it on doing your best. You can never guarantee what you can achieve and therefore if you do this, your Chimp will take the blood supply in your brain and cause some unease, as it will constantly see the threat of failure.
The first choice is to base his confidence on his ability to pass the test. The second choice is to base his confidence on his ability to do his best at the time of the test.
One very good reason for having these fears is if you have a belief that you are meant to be perfect: a dreadful Gremlin.
Self-confidence is enhanced when you have a realistic expectation of yourself.
Also make a mental check on whether you have an image of yourself that you are trying to live up to and whether this is not helping the situation.
The Chimp will always look to external surroundings for its security. The Human will look internally to beliefs for its security.
tending to stick with the familiar.
Security and change • Security is relative. • We are never fully secure in life because life itself is transient. • We live in a world that is in a constant state of change and it cannot exist in any other way.
Risk • There is a risk attached to everything we do. • We have to accept that risk is part of everyday life. • We cannot control all risk. • We can control some risk.
There is risk even when you get out of the house. But your chimp is still convinced that it's going to be okay. You have to teach it the same approach for other things.
If, and only if, it happens will I use energy thinking about it because worrying before it happens is not sensible.
However, the Human must accept that the Chimp is not built to feel secure and will always have its moments and need constant attention.
Feeling insecure from time to time is normal for a Chimp, so expect it, accept it and then take care of it.
Don’t forget that it is wise to ask for support from a member of the troop, or a professional, if you are having difficulties dealing with a problem.
For example, when we fall in love it is difficult for us to control our Chimps. Our brains release a lot of chemicals that basically diminish our ability to think straight.
A Chimp that lives with unknowns and fears that could be addressed is an unnecessarily insecure and unhappy Chimp.
However, if the Chimp is constantly seeking reassurance, inappropriately, then it is likely that there is a fear that is not being addressed or the Chimp needs reminding of the truths surrounding security.
If you have to go through some new routines or experiences it may help an insecure Chimp to remind it that once you have become familiar with the new routine the fears will go. Until then it is very natural for it to feel some apprehension.
Searching out and confronting fears can be a healthy exercise and can often be done with a thoughtful friend or professional.
The important point here is that you are addressing real fears, such as finances, work, housing and so on and being very practical about them.
Avoiding facing any fears will cause immense stress and evoke feelings of apprehension in your Chimp.
The Human needs to place an Autopilot into the Computer to steady the Chimp.
Make a list of those things that concern or worry you and divide the list into those things that you can control and those that you can’t control.
