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Regardless of why a relationship with the narcissistic person ends, they will eventually try to suck you back in
hoovering is an attempt to regain their power. If you fall for it, the whole cycle begins again.
excitement of the hoovering with love, destiny, or being chosen.
Because hoovering leverages hopes and narratives of being cherished and desired, a narcissistic person coming back for you can be even more seductive than the initial love bombing.
It can be incredibly powerful to think that your words finally got through to someone.
just as you exhale and shelve your ideas of splitting up or moving out, they slowly slide back into their narcissistic patterns. In
hoovering is where future faking...
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during hoovering you may feel avenged, as if you were finally “enough,” worthy of being heard, and the exception to the rule of narcissistic relationships.
their ego may be waiting for you to reach out first.
Hoovering is a reflection of narcissists and their needs—for validation, control, or whatever convenience you fill for them, or even to block you from moving forward into a new life.
Not being hoovered is like going cold turkey—it hurts initially, but it’s essential to healing. Trauma
The narcissistic relationship is like a riptide that pulls you back in even as you try to swim away.
The abusive behavior makes you want to swim away from the riptide, but the guilt and fear of leaving, the practical issues raised by leaving (financial, safety, cultural, family), as well as the natural drive toward attachment, connection, and love are what keep you stuck in the riptide’s pull.
so if they are having a good run or trying to win you over, you may have weeks or even months of good days, and then when they don’t feel validated or safe, the relationship falls into an abyss of invalidation, anger, manipulation, and gaslighting.
Childhood with a narcissistic parent means unpredictability, confusion, and conditional love.
Children in trauma-bonded relationships learn to justify and normalize their parents’ invalidating and unattuned behavior, can’t process or acknowledge it as “bad,” keep secrets, blame themselves, deny their own needs, and idealize their parents in order to survive
Experiencing an invalidating childhood creates a relationship template that consists of hoop-jumping to earn love, feeling guilty for expressing your own needs, and believing that abuse and invalidation are a part of a loving relationship,
Justifying abusive and invalidating behavior. Believing the future faking.
Characterizing the relationship as magical, metaphysical, or mystical.
Becoming a one-stop supply shop for the narcissistic person. Hiding your feelings and needs.
Fearing conflict.
even empathy that show up when they feel secure and validated.
willing to use any tactic they can to maintain control and dominance.
Narcissistic abuse can leave you believing that there is something wrong with you.
The reactions to narcissistic abuse a...
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But a few months in, she started spending most of their evenings listening to him berate his employer.
He almost never asked her about her exhausting job as a physician
She would be relieved for a few days, then feel panicked, and when he would reach back out, instead of holding him accountable for his behavior, she would take him back
Maybe I should do more, I’ve let myself go. Maybe I’m not saying things the right way.
The stress of narcissistic abuse changes you and your worldview in profound ways.
So much of the conversation about narcissism is focused on understanding the narcissistic person, and this does a disservice to you as a survivor.
Identifying a narcissistic person is far less important than understanding what qualifies as unacceptable be...
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most people improve significantly once they finally receive validation about the toxicity of the behavior in their relationship, at which point we can start to ...
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She even feels guilty when she feels better at the times he is not around.
Can someone in a situation like hers actually heal? Absolutely,
That’s how deep the trauma bonding can go—as though you are a bad person for being anxious because someone is raging at and manipulating you.
Recognizing that your distress and confusion from enduring narcissistic behavior are expected and, dare I say, normal in these situations is an essential first step to recognizing that it’s not you.
Early on, you may even assert yourself and behave as though there is balance and equality in the relationship.
you will see that the healthy parts of yourself—empathy, accountability, and your drive for attachment and love—get undermined by the toxicity and control of narcissistic relationships.
Framing survivors as “shrinking violets” is a misconception—many of you come into these relationships strong and confident.
many of you come into these relationships strong and confident.
The more invested you are in this relationship, the more you stop pushing back on their behavior.
You may also try to change yourself to make the relationship work,
detaching from your own needs,
angered by the discrepancy between the narcissist’s public ...
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You may completely blame yourself or simply may not be able to see a path forward.
may feel like we no longer recognize ourselves, or that whatever aspirations or hopes we had for the future are largely dashed.
you may be experiencing panic and other patterns we observe in post-traumatic stress, including avoidance, nightmares, and hypervigilance. Not
How You Experience Yourself in the World Loneliness Difficulties with trust Isolation Shame Severe Stress Responses Flashbacks Hypervigilance (being overly alert, constantly monitoring your surroundings) Hyperarousal (feeling on edge and jumpy) Difficulty concentrating
Dissociating through numbing (e.g., mentally checking out, overworking, engaging in unhealthy behaviors)
Sewing
