It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People

by Ramani Durvasula

Your Sense of Self and Responsibility Fear of being alone Self-doubt Self-devaluation (putting yourself down) Self-blame Self-loathing Your Emotions Depression Grief Irritability Suicidal thoughts Anxiety Apathy (don’t care about anything) Amotivation (don’t want to do anything) Anhedonia (no joy from doing anything that has been pleasurable in the past) Things You Do to Manage the Relationship Appeasing Reassuring Apologizing Self-monitoring Self-denial The Ways This Relationship Affects Your Health Sleep difficulties Physical health issues Self-care deficits Fatigue/exhaustion Maladaptive coping Rec...

Missing out on a happy childhood Effects on your own children

If you come from a narcissistic family, the regrets can feel insurmountable.

You may regret never receiving the encouragement you needed to pursue your dreams or not having a safe, unconditional space to turn to, even as an adult.

The more gaslighting that occurs in a relationship, the more you ruminate about it when it ends, especially

Because rumination pulls you out of your life, since you are basically always in your head, you miss out on a lot. It’s like getting punished twice:

Just be aware that you do not “self-gaslight” and blame yourself for being the “problem” because you believe you are not thinking clearly.

Even after years of invalidation, you still may be able to recall that one lovely dinner on a vacation long ago.

Euphoric recall is not only part of the fallout of narcissistic abuse but also the cement used by both parties to justify it.

In families, euphoric recall occurs when you want to remember your family and childhood in an idealistic way, perhaps painting your family as close-knit, remembering childhood camping trips or one afternoon spent baking, and overlooking the manipulation and chronic invalidation.

an attempt to make sense of what is happening, and an effort to get some sense of control (If it’s my fault, I can fix it).

and it can allow the relationship to continue, since if it’s your fault, you will keep trying to fix it.

Is it easier to believe that you are to blame than to believe that someone close to you—a parent, a partner, a spouse, or even an adult child—could be capable of such cruel behavior?

If you experienced childhood narcissistic abuse, self-blame was a survival strategy, a way to maintain an idealized image of the parent and meet essential attachment needs.

Self-blame is self-protective; by taking on the blame, you may dodge the conflict

You internalize the dynamics of your narcissistic relationship and change how you talk to yourself (It’s my fault; maybe I am being too sensitive;

seeing the parent clearly would be catastrophic for a child who must maintain a distorted and idealized view of the parent to feel safe and attached.

We see it but don’t see it, and this happens in order to preserve relationships, worldviews, and social and institutional systems.[2]

Before that collapse, people who are “blind” to the betrayal experience will blame themselves (Maybe I am not an attentive wife; maybe I am a bad kid) and alongside that will experience all kinds of other negative psychological patterns like anxiety, panic, isolation, and confusion.

One of the great traps of the narcissistic relationship is that the narcissistic folks actually believe they are nice people. They really do.

These are deeply asymmetric relationships, and you and the narcissistic person are playing by different sets of rules and expectations—where you are hoping for connection and attachment, they are working from control and selfishness.

As a result, they are emotionally investing far less and deriving much more.

And just when the relationship seems untenable, narcissistic people will often pull a rabbit out of their hats: a vacation, getting something done you had asked about for years, helping someone you care about. Alas, this only magnifies the self-blame, and you may feel you are being ungrateful and should be recognizing how “lucky” you are.

over time the child detaches from their own needs and becomes a de facto babysitter of the narcissistic parent.

they must adjust to the antagonistic conditions, and that adjustment looks like self-blame.

How can I be better? Maybe I am not saying things clearly enough.

What you do: Constant apologizing. Appeasing the narcissistic person and walking on eggshells. Taking the blame for actions and occurrences that are clearly not your fault. Overpreparing or taking on responsibility for every detail in a household, workplace, or family.

Creating and giving people multiple options (e.g., multiple meal choices). Attempting to read the narcissistic person’s mind and anticipate their needs. Changing yourself or the environment to please the narcissist (e.g., obsessive housecleaning). Denying your own needs or wants.

isolation is common, shame sets in at a very early age.

trying to portray their family as “normal” to the rest of the world. They may feel isolated, embarrassed to bring friends around, and ashamed when witnessing the healthier systems of peers or neighbors.

you become the storage unit for the narcissistic person’s shame.[5]

There is the shame and subsequent self-blame about the relationship not working, the shame of staying in a relationship that is so dysfunctional, and the shame of leaving and divorce. The

The confusion largely stems from not being able to conceive of another person having so little empathy; of going from telling you that they love you to invalidating you or disappearing; of taking advantage of you even when you had their back; of good days and bad days all mixed together; of understanding their histories and having compassion for them but still having them rage at you; of simultaneously struggling with duty, loyalty, and disliking people you believe you are “supposed” to like, such as your parents and family. When

and what to think, so you lose all sense of who you are and what you are about, which magnifies the confusion.

Gaslighting and future faking both contribute to confusion. You

triangulation, which is a form of manipulation that involves pitting people against each other and using indirect communication, such as talking behind people’s backs instead of communicating directly with someone.

Triangulation fosters confusion and cultivates mistrust in families,

To slowly realize that the person you love or believe you were supposed to love doesn’t have real empathy, doesn’t appear to care when you are hurt, and will always put themselves first is a bleak realization.

Despair is experienced by almost everyone navigating narcissistic relationships, and it is a mix of sadness, helplessness, hopelessness, powerlessness, fear, and sometimes even suicidal thoughts. There is no way to fix the situation, make it better, be seen, or receive empathy.

recognition that it cannot change creates a sense of dread and unfathomable grief.

you will no longer feel that you are a meaningful player in your own life.

Your sense of powerlessness within your narcissistic relationships can extend to a sense of helplessness in your other relationships as well,

despair about not being able to protect other people.

A major challenge is figuring out whether you are depressed or if this is a by-product of the narcissistic abuse.

That loneliness may persist if you decide to end the relationship or no longer remain in contact. After an experience with narcissistic abuse, you may feel that you will never trust yourself or others again and become suspicious of everyone.

The second-guessing can also mean that not only do you not trust the world but you do not trust yourself. It can be exhausting to regard the world with chronic mistrust and suspicion.

Social anxiety may also come into the mix because after so much gaslighting, you believe you are reading social situations incorrectly or have been told by the narcissistic person that you sound foolish when you are with other people.

Your body is a more honest scorekeeper of the toll of narcissistic abuse than your mind. Your brain and mind are engaged in the trauma-bonded justifications and rationalizations, while your body feels and holds pain, grief, trauma, and loss with less censorship.

witnessed many of these health problems begin to remit once a person distances themselves from a narcissistic relationship.

narcissistic people are terrible caregivers,