It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People

by Ramani Durvasula

your inner critic is trying to get ahead of the narcissistic voices in your life and attack you before they can,

Those bodily sensations will often be experienced when you encounter people with toxic behaviors that may be reminiscent of the narcissistic relationships you have already experienced.

More commonly, you may also flee by distancing or dissociating from your emotions or from yourself while in the relationship (feeling a more narrow range of emotion, no longer expressing needs, feeling like you are watching this relationship happen to you without really being connected to it, numbing yourself through work, food, or alcohol). You may also mentally check out when the narcissistic person starts in on you. Ultimately over time, you not only start detaching from your sense of “being” in the world but also become disengaged from other healthier relationships, get easily distracted, and become emotionally constricted.

Flight is a common safety response in survivors, and in many ways it’s not just about fleeing the narcissist but also your feelings.

In the face of someone who is dominating, bombastic, grandiose, arrogant, or critical, you may find yourself completely tongue-tied and awkward, and after the interaction think, I wish I had said this or I wish I had done that. The

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The fawn/submit response is a surrender of your needs in favor of winning over and staying connected to the threatening person, and it is especially conditioned in people who grew up in abusive childhood environments. It may look like nodding with wide eyes, smiling, or complimenting the narcissist

You may continue to try to win them over throughout the course of your relationship with them.

People who fawn will often experience a sense of shame as though they are somehow complicit or weak, which is a harmful characterization of what is an ex...

Fawning is your reflexive response to the invalidation and discomfort raised by a narcissistic person and driven by a fundamental need for safety, attachment, and connection.

feeling on edge most of the time. You may live in a state of chronic tension,

This tension may persist even if you are out of the relationship.

deep breathing, nature, exercise, meditation, and anything that downregulates and relaxes you.

Healing is a slow evolution of being in harmony with your body, understanding that your body has been trying to keep you safe all this time, and intentionally bringing some relaxation into your life.

when they heard the jingle of the narcissistic person’s keys as they came to the door, they would have a series of physical reactions.

Ask yourself What is happening? especially when meeting a new person. At a minimum, take these reactions as a sign to move slowly and pay attention. After being through a narcissistic relationship, you may find that experiences like criticism and rejection can bring up these reactions. Over time, you will recognize that critiques at work are not the same as the cruel rejection of a narcissistic parent or partner, but since the SNS doesn’t know the difference, figuring out the actual threat can help you be more discerning.

give yourself a hug. That kind of physical comfort can be soothing. The fear response can also mean that you may start breathing in a shallow manner, which can escalate your sense of panic. In your calmer moments, practice some form of deep breathing. Pick a number: 5, 6, 7, or 8. Breathe in on that count, hold for that count, and slowly exhale for that count.

feeling that sensation of connecting to the ground with your body

Supporters should never force a survivor over to their point of view about a narcissistic situation, but rather should be there to validate their experience.

She suggests sharing memories of a happier time with them: “Remember how much you loved our fishing trips?” “Do you recall those amazing paintings you used to make?” This is a slow process but bringing a person into happier times or reminding them of joys and skills they may have forgotten can also be quite useful for getting them to open up.

“helped, heard, or hugged.”[4] Sometimes there is no help to offer, but listening, validation, and a gentle smile go further than you think.

The more contact you have with a narcissistic person, the worse you feel. Going no contact is exactly what it sounds like: no longer reaching out to them, but even more important, no longer responding to them. You don’t take their calls, you don’t reply to their text messages, you don’t talk to them. You disappear from their lives. At the more extreme end, you may also block their number, email, or social media accounts, or you may even have a protective element like a restraining order. No contact is a heavy-handed but effective tool to end toxic cycles.