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figuring out who you are separate from this relationship).
Dynamics such as hoovering, smear campaigns, manipulation, guilt, and post-separation abuse mean that you have to manage the fallout of the narcissistic behavior whether you are still in the relationship or not.
First, you must accept the unchangeability of narcissism and narcissistic abuse. Second, you must accept the process that will unfold after you leave.
Narcissistic people do not like being left. They are highly sensitive to rejection, so as a result, if you leave, they may become punitive, vindictive, manipulative, and rageful. They also don’t like giving up control. Radical acceptance encompasses the awareness that this post-separation abuse will happen. Whenever I sit with a client who is in or is about to enter the process of a divorce from a narcissi...
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to end one of these relationships also means having your eyes open to what is about to happen, so you can prepare and not lose your resolve.
For some of us, the radical acceptance may not commence until we actually leave the relationship. This is particularly true if the narcissistic person is the one to end it. Radical acceptance becomes a critical tool for processing the aftermath of the relationship. Recognizing the patterns that were consistent both before and after the breakup and noting the narcissistic person’s post-breakup behavior—like quickly moving into a new relationship or ongoing harassment—can round out the picture and predictability of their narcissistic behavior.
Many survivors of narcissistic relationships are stunned that, even years later, the narcissistic person still seems as angry and aggrieved as they were at the time of the breakup.
the harm of post-separation abuse may magnify the fallout of narcissistic abuse that you are already experiencing.
Even the hot and cold, good days and bad, charm mask and rage mask are actually predictable to the extent that you know they are going to happen. That makes realistic expectations rather straightforward.
once you become proficient at realistic expectations, you will be close to crossing the finish line of radical acceptance.
variable empathy, entitlement, grandiosity, invalidation, dismissiveness, rage, manipulation, and gaslighting. Plan on these things happening. I tell folks in narcissistic relationships, “Don’t burn your umbrellas.” The good days in narcissistic relationships can undercut your realistic expectations and radical acceptance. When a day comes when they are bringing the charm, charisma, and some performative empathy, enjoy it for the sunny day it is, but don’t burn your umbrellas—it
“Damn, we had two good days, and I got cocky and started teasing them like I would any friend, and my fun little ribbing turned into a reactive two-hour tantrum.”
not succumbing to the narcissistic person’s excuses, justifications, and future faking.
It’s the knowing without the engaging.
This means not sharing good news with them because they will minimize and take the joy out of it or behave in a victimized and passive-aggressive manner.
Indifferent topics: the weather, the neighbor’s cat, the taste of the chocolate cake. Is that a relationship? It’s not a deep one, but there never was the possibility of a sustained and close relationship with them.
Many if not most of us who leave may find ourselves surprised by missing the narcissistic person, wondering if they would be “proud” or impressed if they saw all we were doing, and that healing is harder than you expected.
healing often looks like two steps forward, one step back.
By this point, the client has largely stopped communicating their needs or is doing it sparsely. This need avoidance is a self-protective and trauma-bonded behavior that avoids conflict, but it also keeps them from seeing the toxic patterns—and from getting their needs met.
cage. I never like sending someone into harm’s way, but sometimes it is the only way to cement the acceptance about the consistency of the invalidating patterns.
most relationships with narcissistic folks are a daily entry into the tiger’s cage, but this time you are entering with eyes wide open and a willingness to really see and feel their response. Making a need known is a clear and painful way to witness these patterns.
The goal is to get to radical acceptance before the tiger destroys you.
You probably wrote that letter because they never listen to you while you speak, and they gaslight, interrupt, or confuse you so much that you get tongue-tied. Maybe you thought if you wrote it out carefully, then they could see your point of view clearly. But it never works. They read it and either respond with an obscene emoji, send an eviscerating and scathing response, or gaslight you (again).
But do not send it to them!
These letters also became a place to share other strong emotions such as anger that they could have never safely shared in the relationship.
The point is to give yourself an opportunity to vent and clearly lay out all of your thoughts and feelings about this relationship. Then by destroying it, you acknowledge that the narcissist will never hear your words, which fosters acceptance.
On the good days it’s easy not only to forget all the toxic stuff that happened but also to lose sight of how much of ourselves we give up for these relationships.
One of the most helpful lists in your radical acceptance tool kit is what I call the Ick List. This is a list of all the awful stuff that happened in the relationship.
special events they ruined, and all the gaslighting.
The slippage away from radical acceptance is more pronounced for people who stay.
this list can help stave off self-blame and fortify the realistic expectations
Seeing it all written down is a reminder of how many little things you gave up for the relationship—and
Once you start living as yourself, it can put the toxic patterns in starker focus and make radical acceptance more sustainable.
you didn’t leave the relationship, this list can focus on things you will give yourself permission to do, and then it’s importan...
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Make a list of the larger-scale aspirations you gave up for this relationship. Some people get overwhelmed by reflecting on all the experiences they sacrificed in the name of their narcissistic relationship, and this list can even foster grief because of your unachieved or unpursued aspirations. But you don’t need to go get a PhD. Perhaps those graduate school dreams may manifest as taking interesting classes at a local university. Maybe that book you wanted to write winds up being a series of blogs.
If you stay in these relationships, you may still feel stifled, but you can still do one small thing toward a goal.
you witness the contrast between the potential that lies in you and the limitations that the narcissistic person placed on you.
that expressed rumination will slowly help you digest your experience and ultimately step away from it.
Once you pull back the curtain on the more compelling or demanding narcissistic people in your life, you will see that there are more people like this in your world than you initially recognized.
If cleaning out a closet is supposed to bring joy to a person’s life, cleaning out toxic people should bring ecstasy.
your life is better without engaging in unnecessary invalidating exchanges with people.
Something about the validation seeking, the rants, the comparisons, the cruel clickbait, and the egocentricity of social media just isn’t good for healing, so try to reduce your exposure.
(I love my mother, I never want to see her again), but
narcissistic relationships raise constant cognitive dissonance (good and bad days).
stack of inconsistent truths is
Life is complicated and multiple things can be true. You do not, and actually should not, view these relationships through a black-and-white lens.
A narcissistic relationship, especially with a parent, often steals the opportunity to radically accept yourself because you were never able to be seen or heard or valued. You
Radically accepting yourself means that you are kind to yourself on the bad days.
the end, I never responded, which was a real shift for me, and it felt so much better.
healing. I love what I do, he is always going to bait me, I don’t need to respond.
