It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People

by Ramani Durvasula

Also consider how your backstory and vulnerabilities may drive your justifications. Those of you who are very empathic may have empathy-driven justifications (They may just be having a hard day), while a rescuer may justify by saying They just need someone to help them out. Once you have written these down, be mindful, catch your justifications, and see your relationships more clearly.

survivors spend a lot of time feeling guilty.

When you feel guilty, ask yourself, “What did I do wrong?” And then the follow-up question is, “If someone else did this, would I feel they were doing something wrong?” Journaling about this can be useful, and reflecting on how your backstories and roles may magnify this sense of guilt

it was your strengths that not only drew a narcissistic person to you but kept you safe in the relationship. These are also part of the model of how you get in and get stuck.

You may recognize that you are actually very flexible, a great planner for all kinds of contingencies, an expert problem solver and solution seeker. The things that may have drawn the narcissistic person to you—creativity, laughter, intelligence—are all still there, perhaps more hidden now, but there.

Write out the strengths that you developed to survive and the strengths you have always had. This is part of your process of identifying that your experience in this narcissistic relationship wasn’t yo...

healing means that you continue the process of growing yourself outside of these narrowly defined toxic spaces while preparing for the other narcissistic and manipulative people you will inevitably meet as you move forward.

Growth and individuation mean facing the core of healing from narcissistic abuse, and that is radical acceptance.

There is a lot of intense analysis about why narcissistic people do what they do, but when it comes to healing, it really doesn’t matter. It’s less about the “Why did they do that?” and more about the “They did that, it’s not good for me, and they are going to do it again.” Radical acceptance is acknowledging this consistency and unchangeability to help you move forward.

Radical acceptance is acknowledging the reality of the narcissistic relationship landscape and, above all else, that their behavior is not going to change. Radical acceptance gives you permission to heal, because you stop channeling your energy into trying to fix the relationship and instead focus on moving yourself forward.

All roads are hazardous when navigating narcissistic territory, but only one pathway will get you to a better destination, and that’s the one of radical acceptance.

There is grief in having to accept that your relationship cannot improve, that there will be no phoenix rising from the ashes, and that the narcissistic person will never really attempt to see and understand you.

In some ways, it’s like learning that there was no right answer to the test question, so you never could have gotten it correct.

and invest those hours into yourself and the relationships and pursuits that are actually good for you.

the benefit of knowing this is not going to change allow you to slowly cut the trauma bond, ease up on the self-blame, and clarify the muddy waters of confusion. However, radical acceptance is not a magic pill—you also need to accept that even if you do radically accept that they won’t change, their ongoing hurtful behavior, even if you are prepared for it, still hurts.

we work on the issue of “surprise”—the agitation they experience after looking at yet another toxic text message, email, or conversation and saying, “I can’t believe this is happening. How could he do this?” Having radical acceptance means you are less surprised and, in fact, would actually be surprised if these things didn’t happen.

accept that the unhealthy patterns in the relationship are a constant,

shift your focus to you and the people and activities that matter to you.

time that you expended on hope, avoidance, trying to make sense of it, and trying to change yourself to make it work.

Hope that it is actually a normal and healthy relationship. In a narcissistic relationship, hope takes a long time to fade.

When hope gets extinguished, many people feel pressured to make a decision they are not yet ready to make, because radical acceptance begs the question “If it is really this bad, and it is not going to change, I can’t really stay in it, can I?” It can also raise tremendous guilt, as though you are a bad person for having a “defeatist” mindset about someone you are supposed to love.

It is a shift in expectations regardless of what you choose to do.

Acceptance doesn’t just mean seeing that the person’s personality and behavior are not going to change, but also that this will not be a safe space or a relationship you can rely on.

in the early days of radical acceptance, letting it breathe for a minute is essential, because your entire reality must integrate this seismic shift.

When we are in the throes of a narcissistic situation, we are already struggling with self-devaluation, and radical acceptance may magnify those feelings

focus on framing narcissistic abuse as behavior,

What’s so unfortunate about radical acceptance is that sometimes it requires scorched earth to finally see it.

child cannot radically accept that a parent’s behavior is toxic.

Seeing the narcissistic behavior doesn’t make you “bad” but rather quite courageous.

To clearly see and accept a pattern that is painful to acknowledge yet be willing to make realistic choices and protect yourself is the height of fearlessness and resilience.

Emma spent years trying to communicate with her husband, make her needs known, and point things out clearly, and she was typically met with rage and manipulation.

Emma tried to work on herself, went into therapy, and assumed it had to be her fault because she was the only common denominator in both relationships.

Emma struggled with depression, exhaustion, guilt, and anxiety, and both her husband and her mother told her she was being manipulative and had no reason to be struggling.

I am not going to get a divorce because we can’t afford it.

But I recognize that I’m in a marriage with a guy where we sometimes get along but more days than not it is manipulation and disappointment and tantrums.

she may not ever get a loving, patient partner or a safe, compassionate mother.

less disappointed on a daily basis.

in many ways radical acceptance has set her free,

The vast majority of us stay in at least one narcissistic relationship. That is why advice that only encourages you to get out doesn’t help. Radical acceptance does not mean you have to end the relationship; it simply means you must see it for what it is.

fear of post-separation abuse,

radical acceptance does topple other reasons for staying, such as hope.

What is supposed to keep me going now? Radical acceptance requires you to rather surgically examine why you are staying in the narcissistic situation. Is it practical factors like children or money? Is it trauma-bonded factors like guilt or fear? Being honest with yourself is a crucial piece of this daily process of acceptance.

places “staying” within a context (and acknowledges the lack of other viable choices or options).

You may even be willing to flex your “No” muscle a bit more because you’re no longer playing their game.

Ultimately, radical acceptance can set you free even if you remain in a narcissistic relationship.

acceptance can be framed as an opportunity to finally settle into and bring your authentic self to your healthy relationships.

when you bring your authentic self to the narcissistic person, they often shame and rage at you, and yet it is central to your healing that you cultivate your true self and share it with others.

once they really accepted, they no longer waited for empathy, compassion, or respect from the narcissistic person. Their reasons for staying were varied, but they said ...

Others who didn’t want to share custody of children counted the clock down to eighteenth birthdays before filing for divorce. Yet others stayed in toxic workplaces until a job search was successful or benefits and pensions got figured out.

have realistic expectations, check in with yourself, ensure you do not fall into the trauma-bonded justifications, and remain true to yourself