It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People

by Ramani Durvasula

Narcissistic abuse is about domination, which counterbalances the inadequacy and insecurity that are at the core of the narcissistic personality.

about people close to you so you question their loyalty and friendship.

The more isolated you become, the easier it is to control you.

quitting a job so they don’t have to pay you spousal support

Arguing gives them another way to get supply, let out some steam, air their grievances, and remain dominant.

Narcissistic abuse always entails blame shifting. Nothing is ever their responsibility or their fault because for a narcissistic person to take responsibility or accept blame means having to accept that they are accountable and imperfect.

narcissistic people will hold firm to their assertion that it is anyone’s fault but their own.

“I cheated because you stopped paying any attention to me since the baby was born,

You never appreciated all the things I do.” Over time you may begin to feel as bad as you would if you were the one doing something wrong, because you are being used as the justification for the narcissistic person’s bad behavior.

communicated through non-verbals such as eye-rolling.

Narcissists lie; it’s what they do.

they lie as a hedge against their shame.

keep you in the relationship longer, and then it never happens or

Future faking is a particularly twisted element of narcissistic abuse. Narcissistic people know what you want, so they offer it to you as a manipulation to draw you back in and keep you on the hook.

“I’ll begin therapy once my work hours shift.”

you say, “I don’t believe you” when they first make the offer, they’ll say, “How would you know unless you give me a chance?”

narcissistic people give time or closeness only when there is a tangible payout (narcissistic supply).

narcissistic abuse is also about deprivation—of intimacy, time, closeness, attention, and love. The relationship consists of you perpetually dropping a bucket in an empty well, and every so often you bring up some water, but by and large it’s a whole lot of empty buckets.

Breadcrumbing is a dynamic whereby the narcissistic person in the relationship gives less and less, and you learn to make do on less and l...

you learned to make do with very little from the very beginning, which may be an extension of adjusting to the deprivation established in childhood relationships.

but then there was the sullen, resentful person who had a chip on his shoulder and behaved in an entitled manner.

to be very supportive on those tough days. She slowly started to censor herself, not sharing her concerns or stresses because if she did, Dave would accuse her of burdening him or always making it about herself. She justified his behavior because she wanted their relationship to last.

The relationship became more and more about her defending herself and trying to be more and more perfect,

She wondered what she was doing wrong, what she could be doing better.

Dave cried, begged Asha to stay, and claimed it was stress, promising he was going to go to therapy to

parables of irritable frogs turning into princes, relationships being “work,” fantasies about being “chosen,” and love that must be fought for.

For many of us, the cycle becomes a reenactment of trying to win over our unwinnable parent, so it feels familiar to be rejected and exciting and reassuring to be idealized.

During the love bombing phase, you feel desired and seen and valued (which are good feelings!).

you slowly sacrifice your identity, preferences, and even aspirations to avoid losing the relationship, and you may barely notice you are doing

While all of this is happening—the excitement, connection, attention, and constant need to be with you—you may get distracted and take your eye off the prize, which is really getting to know someone and feeling safe expressing your needs, hopes, and wants. In getting dazzled, you may not slow down enough to notice the person, the patterns, or the subtle tells of narcissism.

if you asked a healthy new partner to slow down, they wouldn’t become sullen and resentful. True romance is respectful and empathic; love bombing is a tactic.

With a vulnerable narcissistic person, love bombing may be about hearing their disappointment and wanting to rescue them; with a malignant narcissist it may be about constant contact, possessiveness,

with self-righteous narcissists it may be about the appeal of a highly organized, fiscally responsible “grown-up.”

Perhaps the hardest work of all is actually understanding who you are and giving yourself permission to show up as that authentic self.

what you are about.

it is human to want to be desired and to enjoy romantic gestures.

For many children, all a parent needs to do is show up with a small gift, play a game, read a story, or just say hello. These crumbs of affection or fleeting attunement may feel like an idealized moment and set that child up to regard crumbs as sufficient in adult relationships.

friends can pursue you for connections or money.

The narcissistic person is often the most charming and engaging person in the room.

Charm is the psychological cologne they use to cover their insecurity, and it manifests in compliments, storytelling, short-term attentiveness, and impeccable manners.

Narcissistic people seek status and may pursue it through “credentials,” such as elite educations,

We can mistake these credentials for the quality of a person, and undervalue healthy “credentials” such as wisdom, kindness, respect, compassion, empathy, humility, and honesty. Curiosity.

For people who have rarely felt heard or seen, the narcissistic person’s seeming curiosity can be a hook.

for some clients, as they came up into early adulthood and could do things that their parent enjoyed (sports, travel, work in a family business), the parent became interested in them again,

Not only is the narcissistic person in your life seductive and compelling, so too are love and familiarity and hope.

They may simply lose interest in you, cultivate a life that doesn’t include you, avoid closeness and intimacy, and make you feel like a ghost.

unmasked contempt, and more severe gaslighting.

They want life to be a kaleidoscope of perfect ease, validation, and entertainment.

They are also good at playing the role of victim and may expect you to do the dirty work of leaving so they can turn around and say, “You are the one who left me” or “You filed for divorce” or “You were just not responding to me.”

throwing more time and effort at the relationship won’t get you back the time you already put in.