It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People

by Ramani Durvasula

You may believe that consensus is more meaningful than your subjective experience.

The narcissistic sibling then tells the family how sorry she is that her sister isn’t coming around and that she is hurt by her, and behaves very nicely on group texts while being quite cruel one-on-one with her sister.

the family characterizes her as the “problem” and says, “All your sister wants is for you to be a part of the family.”

Being discerning about the enablers is just as important as being discerning and aware of narcissistic patterns.

One of the only ways to dismantle the trauma bonds is to tolerate the discomfort of the unfamiliar.

But solitude is a critical healing space. This isn’t about isolation; it’s about holding space for yourself and scaling back the excessive caregiving, one-sided compromise, and personal censorship for a minute. Solitude is where we find our voice.

Narcissistic relationships are joy stealers:

you expend most of your psychological energy on trying to avoid threats instead of noticing passing moments of beauty.

This isn’t about artificial positivity or listing out what you are grateful for. It’s about giving yourself permission to savor the bits of joy when they waft by.

Finding joy in a small moment—a bright-red sunset, a delicious ice-cream cone, your child singing a song, hummingbirds outside your window—and not having it stolen reminds you that there is life outside of this relationship, and more beauty and hope than you thought.

relishing those private moments of joy that you do not diminish by sharing them with the narcissistic person

Then there is “joy regret,” where you realize how much you missed after so many years of trying to eke out safety and survival.

Consider keeping a joy journal so you can jot down these daily experiences. The more you notice them, the more

Disengage from the enablers.

Stop giving multiple second chances. Cultivate a healthier social network. If you have enough healthy people in your life, then you have one of the ultimate narcissist antidotes.

Start getting comfortable with taking the les...

you may get called out for being judgmental, demanding, ...

It is about knowing who you are, standing firm when it comes to your reality, setting boundaries that feel authentic to you,

Things do not change; we change.

She is exhausted, recognizes she can’t change any of it, and encounters a daily sense of grief.

because you can’t imagine walking away from your parents or family,

the rules of engagement will need to change if you hope to heal.

It is untenable for you to stay on the premise that the relationship will change or that you just need to get over yourself and adjust to it.

This chapter will break down how to balance on the razor’s edge of staying or having some contact in any narcissistic relationship without enabling the narcissistic patterns or blaming yourself.

Healing and growing while you are still in the relationship require mindful awareness of what is happening, preparing for and recovering from your conversations with the narcissistic person, being intentional, and always maintaining realistic expectations to manage the carousel of disappointment and grief.

The primary challenge of healing while staying in the toxic situation is that narcissistic people don’t really want you to heal.

Your healing means that you are experiencing yourself separate from them,

Healing isn’t about leaving—leaving is just a brick in the healing wall. But trying to heal while staying in a narcissistic relationship can feel like swimming against the current.

The version of you who justifies the relationship fits better into the dysfunctional relationship than the you that clearly sees it.

The truth is, healing is more important than leaving.

Healing is about taking back your power, even if you do stay.

You are only interesting as a source of supply, a prop, or a punching bag.

But love and attachment are powerful forces and may still be very present for you.

Healing from these relationships is about pushing back from the black-and-white thinking and embracing the complicated gray.

It’s okay to love them. In fact, it may help you feel more authentic to recognize the simultaneous complexity of your emotions and the relationship history while loving a narcissistic person. Remember those multiple truths? Love is where that shows up most strongly—They gaslight me, they manipulate me, we have a history, I love them, I wish it was different. This intricate balancing act requires you to catch your breath on the good days but not let down your guard or burn your umbrellas, and to be honest with yourself about your feelings.

Just don’t let those days trick you into seeing this relationship or behavior in an unrealistic manner, which starts the cycle of hurt and disappointment again.

However, and I cannot sugarcoat this, living with or regularly interacting with a narcissistic person is like living with a person who smokes cigarettes. Even if you have air filters, open the windows, and keep the house clean, you will still get a little sick over time.

If you stay, in most cases, there is no way to fully “work it out” with a narcissistic person. There will always be workarounds, minefields, and tension. It will never be easy. The person will not change, and your body and mind will not adjust to their impact on you. It’s important for you to know these limits because if you don’t, you can once again fall into the patterns of self-blame and think, “Oh, great, I can’t even heal right.” You are doing just fine. It’s a new status quo: the narcissistic relationship remains the same; you are the one who is changing. Remaining in a narcissistic relationship requires awareness, clear expectations, and self-compassion.

Your bandwidth also gets depleted by scarcity,[1] and for years you have been living without compassion, respect, empathy, or balance in at least one primary relationship.

this is recognizing when you are feeling depleted—when

Take a moment, breathe, recalibrate, and recognize your experience.

Then, to work on pulling back on the self-judgment, return to the idea of multiple truths.

If you choose to stay, reflect on how you talk to yourself and the ways you view yourself.

You may find that you are meaner to yourself than the narcissistic person is. Sadly, being mean to yourself is a way to make the pieces fit—you sustain the idea that you are “bad,” reinforced by their treatment of you, and your self-talk mirrors that.

When you look at a picture of you as a child, it may be more natural to muster up compassion for yourself, so when those self-deprecating words come up in you, please look at that picture.

The narcissistic people will still invalidate you, but it’s time for you to learn a new vocabulary and stop doing their dirty work for them.

Boundaries are meant to bring safety, something that is lacking in narcissistic relationships.

gradually disengaging from sharing important things about yourself and avoiding sharing feelings, emotions, aspirations, or negative moods with the narcissistic person.

be clear on your nonnegotiable boundaries.

thousands of cumulative indignities.