It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People

by Ramani Durvasula

Lauren is grieving the loss of time;

She grieves not having learned about narcissism earlier so she could have made better choices.

The grief raised by narcissistic relationships is an experience you cannot outrun.

It’s a process, one you may cycle through for years, and it takes as long as it takes.

In some ways, grieving the living is far more difficult than grieving the dead.

It’s grief for your life, the life you hoped to have, and moving through that takes time.

It’s a complex mix of rumination and regret, as well as reflecting on loss of identity, love, and opportunity.

the same way, the narcissistic person is there but they are not really there as a companion or with empathy—and they are emotionally abusing you.

The grief of narcissistic abuse is consistent with something called disenfranchised grief,[2] which is grief that is not acknowledged by others or socially sanctioned and supported as a loss or grief experience.

These emotions are a signal from your body and mind to slow down and be gentle with yourself. This may mean rest, moderate exercise, meditation, breathing, or being in nature. Disconnecting from feelings can keep you stuck in them,

why people who knew didn’t tell you.

Yes, you went to Italy. Yes, he was having an affair. No, you didn’t know. Yes, he gaslighted you about it. Yes, you were happy. And yes, now you are devastated. Once again, holding space for multiple truths, painful as it is, is essential to moving through this process of grief.

Narcissistic people rarely genuinely apologize, face meaningful consequences for their behavior, take accountability or responsibility, or meaningfully acknowledge your pain.

It may not hurt less, but it can feel easier to move forward if we know there were consequences or some form of accountability for someone who harmed us.

Processing the losses incurred by these relationships is like releasing toxins and it can help you break the cycles of rumination.

In the same way, some form of ritual to acknowledge your experience of loss can be part of your healing experience.

Ensure this is intentional; feel yourself letting go of this person, their words and behaviors, or whatever else it is you perceived you lost.

Envision grief as a tunnel you must navigate through as the first part of the healing process.

Healing is an act of resistance, defiance, and rebellion. It requires a commitment to breaking out of long-standing cycles of self-blame and away from the existing narratives from the world at large. It means ending intergenerational cycles of trauma and toxic relationships. Healing is not just about getting past a broken heart, a toxic divorce, parental estrangement, or a narcissistic boss. It is about a shift in your psychology, worldview, and perceptions.

You recognize that the more you engage with the narcissistic person, the more you end up disengaging from yourself.

We will unpack the differences between going no contact or firewalling the narcissistic person, so that you can choose which method is best for your situation. Finally, it will include a blueprint for a twelve-month narcissism cleanse, a period where you embrace your own company, foster your autonomy, and become reacquainted (or acquainted!) with yourself.

uncomfortable. It means not getting caught up in the rhetoric of Let me give them another chance and instead trusting your instincts.

During this time, it’s essential to develop radical acceptance, avoid taking the bait, not fall for the future faking, and recognize the gaslighting

not take responsibility for their bad behavior.

The best way to turn off the gaslights is to avoid them in the first place by owning your reality,

recognizing it as reality, and not sacrificing your experience and perception in the process, even while acknowledging that someone can have a different experience from you.

You can’t walk away from all the toxic or invalidating spaces in your life, but you can engage less.

stopping the “sorrys.”

Apologies are for when you do something wrong. Having a feeling, an experience, or not agreeing with someone’s distortion of your reality is not “wrong.”

When you witness someone apologizing for something that needs no apology, remind them that there is no need. (All of my clients experiencing narcissistic abuse will apologize when they cry, and that’s when we often begin dismantling the cycle of unwarranted apologies.)

In a sad sort of way, your inner critic is trying to get ahead of the narcissistic voices in your life and attack you before they can, though it also blocks you from actually seeing yourself clearly and may foster self-blame.

this.” It may sound silly, but once you start reframing this voice as the way your psyche is trying to keep you safe in the narcissistic relationship, you may start being kinder to yourself.

The fallout of narcissistic abuse, like other forms of relational trauma, is most potently held in your body.

Those bodily sensations will often be experienced when you encounter people with toxic behaviors that may be reminiscent of the narcissistic relationships you have already experienced.

You would have better luck punching a snarling tiger in the face than trying to win an argument with a narcissistic person.

More commonly, you may also flee by distancing or dissociating from your emotions or from yourself while in the relationship

Ultimately over time, you not only start detaching from your sense of “being” in the world but also become disengaged from other healthier relationships, get easily distracted, and become emotionally constricted. Flight is a common safety response in survivors, and in many ways it’s not just about fleeing the narcissist but also your feelings.

The freeze response can foster shame and self-blame, because you may feel as if you are partially responsible, have let yourself or others down, or are foolish or weak for not responding. Remember, you aren’t choosing to freeze. Their behavior, not your natural response, is what is unacceptable.

It may look like nodding with wide eyes, smiling, or complimenting the narcissist when faced with their invalidating, contemptuous, dismissive, or rageful behavior.

Making sure that our bodies receive the repair and rejuvenation they need is essential to counterweighing the effects of remaining in a sympathetically activated state, even when the narcissistic people are not around.

re-parenting,

Healing is a slow evolution of being in harmony with your body, understanding that your body has been trying to keep you safe all this time, and intentionally bringing some relaxation into your life.

Simply connecting to your body in a focused way can start bringing down your heart rate.

Remember, our SNS responses reflect our histories.

The good news is that being there for others can actually facilitate your healing, though there are a few things to keep in mind.

She suggests sharing memories of a happier time with them: “Remember how much you loved our fishing trips?” “Do you recall those amazing paintings you used to make?” This is a slow process but bringing a person into happier times or reminding them of joys and skills they may have forgotten can also be quite useful for getting them to open up.

The more contact you have with a narcissistic person, the worse you feel. Going no contact is exactly what it sounds like: no longer reaching out to them, but even more important, no longer responding to them.

hoovering manipulation,

Being discerning means being comfortable with sometimes saying no to invitations that will place you in proximity to toxic people, refusing to work in places where narcissistic people run roughshod, leaving family events or conversations where you are being baited, saying no to a second date, and perfecting your Mona Lisa smile so you can be polite and gently exit.

Some of these folks may be what are sometimes called “flying monkeys”—enablers who will continue to overwhelm you with the narcissistic person’s rhetoric, in essence “doing their bidding.”