It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People

by Ramani Durvasula

Understanding your fears may help you recognize the barriers instead of just assuming that you are bad at boundaries.

In narcissistic relationships, the best way to manage boundaries is to not engage, banter, spar, or take the bait.

Finally, work toward becoming resolute on your responses in the face of boundary violations and find your “No.”

Waiting for a narcissistic person to finally get it and honor your boundary is like waiting for a submarine to show up at a bus stop.

You will exhaust yourself if you keep setting boundaries expecting the narcissistic person to honor them and instead have them contemptuously derided or simply not honored.

Low contact means you show up for a few family dinners a year or only see the ex at children’s soccer games.

When you must converse, you stick to neutral topics like the weather or the new coffee shop in town.

Low contact means holding your ground even when those sensitive topics or pressures surface.

But low contact is also intentional: you have contact with the narcissistic people and enablers in settings and contexts that are comfortable or important to you (e.g.,

You can have the superficial conversations and maintain a boundary, and you can extricate yourself when you start feeling uncomfortable.

(Here is a good low-contact hack: whenever possible, avoid being alone in a car with a narcissistic person, because then you are stuck listening to them and can’t easily disengage.)

Gray rocking entails being as uninteresting as a gray rock, with minimal response, flat emotion, and simple answers.

Gray rocking is a specifically disengaged form of communication—unemotional, perfunctory, brief, unembellished, and not vulnerable.

Be prepared for it—you may need to white-knuckle through this experience.

When you practice not going DEEP you do not: Defend Engage Explain Personalize

But remember the cardinal rule of narcissism: they aren’t listening.

At those times, it’s better to talk with the people hearing these things—and if anyone is willing to believe the narcissistic person, that is more of a reflection on that person than on you.

Not defending is not about being a doormat;

it is about not wasting your energy on a pointless endeavor.

Because narcissistic people are so manipulative, you may feel compelled to explain yourself whenever they gaslight you. The difficulty is that they will distort your explanation, and b...

Through radical acceptance they recognized explaining themselves to the narcissist was like explaining why it was raining to the rain: the rain doesn’t care and will keep falling.

Do not offer feedback or guidance or a critique—let

It is so difficult to live with or have regular contact with someone and not meaningfully interact or engage with them, but one exercise that can be useful is to play out the entire conversation in your head before you ever open your mouth.

This can feel tough to abide by because the narcissistic person’s behavior feels personal—and it is personal, because you are hurt and having real emotions. Many people think, Maybe it is something about me, that is why they are treating me like this. But remember: it’s not you!

It’s not, and the more you can disconnect from that belief, the easier it becomes to disengage.

The DEEP technique will often show you the uncomfortable truth of your narcissistic relationship, which can fuel radical acceptance, but it still stings, especially if you are going to stay.

Healing means getting them out of the scene completely.

As you heal, they become less central to your story.

This is not easy; it takes lots of work to get here (yes, I am talking to you...

Addressing self-blame requires self-monitoring: being mindful and catching yourself in the words, thoughts, and behaviors that foster self-blame. Start by talking about what is happening in the relationship either in therapy or with trusted friends or family members. Sunlight is the great disinfectant—it can lift the shame and blame and help you escape these harmful cycles. Try to track how often you say, “I’m sorry,” because the frequent apologies may represent self-talk that underlies self-blame.

The things in your life you are willing to take the fight for, to go into the tiger’s cage for, are your True North.

Engaging with the narcissist only when it is about your True North can have a greater impact,

narcissistic people will learn your True Norths and use them to bait you or to draw you out. If that happens, go back to not going DEEP, or once again take a hard look at the relationship.

Preparing and coming down from these interactions can stretch out your radical acceptance muscle and allow you to recover after.

Even if it is just for a moment, close your eyes, take a deep breath, and remind yourself to not go DEEP. Then you have your interaction.

Build in time after your interactions with narcissistic people. It may simply be another breath in, perhaps leaning ...

Take a break, take a walk, have a cup of tea, listen to some music, take a shower, talk to a friend, exercise, watch TV—something to recalibrate yourself, to come down from the difficult interaction, and to simply give your psyche a minute to reset.

If you do engage with them about their narcissism, you will be served a large bowl of word salad with gaslighting dressing on the side.

you stay or have ongoing contact with a narcissistic person in your life, therapy is crucial. If you are in therapy, it’s important to understand that there are no miracles in this process. Ongoing narcissistic abuse takes a toll on your mental health and having a sounding board can be extremely helpful.

You want a therapist who does not blame or shame you, doesn’t ask you what your contribution is to the narcissistic person’s behavior, doesn’t scold you for wondering if a person in your life is narcissistic or toxic or gaslighting you, doesn’t ask you to keep giving second chances or to repeatedly set boundaries that are never honored, and, above all, who never asks you, “Why don’t you leave?” Therapy that is nonjudgmental, trauma-informed, genuine, and well-versed in how narcissism works is essential for survivors, especially when you are having ongoing contact with narcissistic people.

Narcissistic partners are notorious for manipulating the therapy and acting composed while you are emotionally shredded and sharing frustrations and strong feelings.

It may not feel good or authentic, but you can ostensibly be in a relationship and try to keep your soul out of it.

Soul distancing may entail protecting your vulnerabilities, your dreams, and your hopes. It means being aware and attuned to the narcissistic behavior and the impact it is having on you and then changing your approach—engaging

It means saving your depth for the people who reciprocate.

Just envisioning yourself serene within that space can foster this experience of soul distancing.

Over time, you may find that healing while you remain in the relationship may lead you out of the relationship, but on a time frame that feels comfortable.

She found herself in the loop of wanting to make her business work to prove them wrong or make them proud.

connecting with her feelings, who she was, and what she wanted, and detaching from how the narcissistic people in her life viewed her. She became better at not even talking

But she lives in radical acceptance.

Her social circle has shrunk to a small group of people who are empathic and compassionate, and she doesn’t give her time away to people who drain her.