It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People

by Ramani Durvasula

she is grateful for the freedom that realistic expectations have given her,

Narcissistic relationships render you unable to answer the simple question “How are you?”

speak your truth and be invalidated or give in to them and feel ashamed you don’t have your own personhood.

the long game is about slowly claiming your personal sovereignty and not feeling guilty about it.

The final steps to healing from a narcissistic relationship require recognizing that so much of your perception of yourself has been warped by the perspective of the narcissistic person, as if they made you wear a pair of distorted eyeglasses, and you now need to learn to see yourself without them.

It’s about finding a way to get through the pain and to seek joy despite all that has happened.

There can be an evolution from setback and fear to growth, including more gratitude, clearer priorities, greater empathy and sense of belonging, new interests and adaptability, increased confidence, a more meaningful personal narrative and beliefs, and a clearer sense of purpose.[1]

in the wake of trauma, something happens to us, and not all of it is bad.

Recraft your narrative and recognize that it’s time for a part two to your story that reflects what you have learned.

It’s not just about being the author and editor of your revised story but leaning into that pain, pushing back against perfectionism and negative self-talk, and creating space for meaning, purpose, and mutually recognized empathy.

We are built to heal; that is life.

Your psyche may have been torn apart by this relationship, but like all living things, remind yourself that on the hardest days, living means healing.

It’s time to consider who you are if you are no longer merely playing a role in the narcissistic person’s story.

Thus, even our attempts at autonomy were often a counterweight to the narcissistic suffocation or negation.

Evolving past narcissistic abuse means owning and stating needs clearly without entangling

we connect with our wants, separate from how the narcissistic person saw us or what they did,

Who are you? What do you want? What do you need? What do you stand for?

Sometimes you believe you removed people from your life but they are still occupying prime real estate in your mind because you still devote hours to ruminating about these relationships.

The true act of rebellion is to live a life that is not a response to them but a life as an authentic person with wants, needs, aspirations, mistakes, strengths, vulnerabilities, hopes, and feelings that are completely yours.

Now it’s time to swap out your old narratives and replace them with new ones that can release and empower you.

It’s a bit like rewriting a childhood fairy tale you’ve heard so many times that now an alternate telling seems impossible.

Being a doctor is fine, but I recognize that my real love was writing, so now I am trying my hand at writing about the personal process of being a health-care provider.” Look at your story with clearer eyes. Stories can have different endings, and this is about writing a new second act for yours.

Tackling your narrative one piece or theme at a time and infusing it with self-compassion can make the entire process more manageable. It may take time and reflection, so don’t rush it.

Your narrative is not just a story; it is the feelings you have long silenced to remain safe in toxic relationships.

Be clear on the difference between understanding your identity separate from the narcissistic narrative and becoming an island who isolates from everyone.

rather unpacking the lie of “I am not enough” and finally recognizing where it comes from and that your life story is telling you otherwise.

She didn’t change because a cheerleader therapist or coach told her she was great; the proof was right there in what she was doing in her life.

she started talking to herself differently,

The narrative derived from your narcissistic relationships was a fiction. Your story, told by you, is the truth.

Forgiveness is narcissistic supply, one more thing that emboldens the narcissistic person’s entitlement, and you may even get angry at yourself for forgiving them, especially if you get betrayed again. Forgiveness also rarely happens in real time in a narcissistic relationship. It is something that, if it happens, tends to unfold long after you have safely extricated from the relationship.

still spend time with some of them. But I always feel worse afterward,

Healing is about clearly seeing what happened. To allow yourself to feel the sadness and the pain. This is not a story you just tell once. You need to tell it enough times so you can see it, but you can’t do that without feeling it. It is sad, and grief-filled, and painful. To heal means to allow yourself to feel your pain and your story of narcissistic abuse.

To slowly do this without shame but with self-compassion. Many people put their heads down and obsessively work or engage in other frenetic activity to get past narcissistic abuse. That’s not healing; that’s distracting yourself.

In our rush to heal, to get past it, we often forget to stop and feel it, and it is essential we do. Otherwise, we remain disconnected from the experience and are doomed to ruminate and perhaps even repeat it.

Releasing yourself from the narcissistic person’s narrative.

But you just wanted to be loved, cherished, and protected by your parents;

In return for that, you were met with gaslighting, invalidation, rage, contempt, dismissiveness, and cruelty. You did nothing wrong. It’s time to stop crafting the story that you did.

Thriving isn’t about bringing back the “old you”—you

It’s about bringing forth the wise, more self-aware, authentic you.

When you start to thrive, you no longer do things and wonder what the narcissistic person would think; they simply do not factor into your decision or experience.

Thriving is often simply “I went through the entire day and didn’t hear their voice in my head once.”

How Does the Story End If There Is No Closure?

The reality is that there is rarely closure in narcissistic relationships.

You could waste a lifetime waiting for the fantasized moment when the narcissistic person says they get it or takes resp...

But even if you don’t get closure, you still need to close out your story with them.

The closure is you moving forward and no longer having your sense of self and purpose stolen by them.

As you heal from narcissistic abuse and recraft your narrative, pay attention to your emotions.

how you felt when it happened. Connecting to these feelings can break cycles of rumination, foster discernment, and allow you to be more present and self-compassionate.

Hold space for you, the person who was confused, hurt, gaslighted, devalued, and still managed to have the strength to get out, or got through school, or survived a painful breakup. Denying your history, story, and yourself can mean you remain self-judgmental and fractured. Have compassion for all of you. Invite those harmed parts of you in, recognize that what seemed like weakness was often patience, empathy, and strength. Reintegrating yourself after these relationships means including your entire story with gentleness, respect, and love.

To see how far you’ve come and all you’ve learned in your healing journey, it can help to put all you now know in a letter to someone.