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“In cases like Joey’s, when patients present under these kinds of circumstances, there’s generally a long history of domestic violence, and to break it down for you, your partner’s test results reveal a pattern of child abuse that clearly stretches back to infancy.”
“Quite frankly, it’s a miracle he’s sitting here.”
Every inch of his skin told a story of vicious abuse at the hands of a monster.
“Molloy.” Releasing a pained groan, Joey covered my hand with his and blinked his one good eye open. “What did I tell ya about crying?” Sniffling, I forced a smile and whispered, “Hey, stud.” “Hey, queen.” His voice was raspy and torn. “Nice legs.” I choked out a sob. “Nice everything.” “Don’t cry for me.”
need it to stay that way,” he whispered, giving my hand a squeeze. “It’s important to me.” Desperately fighting down the urge I had to climb onto the bed and hold him, I stood up and hovered close instead. “You’re important to us.” Leaning down, I pressed a lingering kiss to his clammy forehead. “You’re everything to us.” “I want the baby, queen.” Sniffling, I nodded. “I know, stud.” “I heard the heartbeat.” “Yeah, you did.” “It’s really in there.” “Uh-huh.” “We made a baby.” “Yeah, Joe, we did.” “I’m scared.” “I know you are. It’s okay.” “When can I get out of here, Aoife?”
“Joey,” Marie sobbed. “I’m your mother.” “And she’s the mother of my kid. So, don’t even think about pulling that card,” he sneered. “Because she wins. Every damn time.”
“He’s just as much your child as Shannon or the boys or him.” “I know he’s my child.” “Then fucking act like it!” I hissed, narrowing my eyes in disgust. “Stop treating him like an afterthought. He’s not a fucking afterthought, okay? You can’t just show up here and lay down the law after not checking in on him once! It doesn’t work like that, and I won’t stand by and let you sink your twisted claws any deeper into him than you already have—”
“He’s the best damn thing that came out of your marriage and you’re too stupid to see it. He’s not your bodyguard. He’s not your bank account. He’s not your babysitter. He’s not your fucking husband. He’s your child. He’s your son!”
“And as for you? Well, I don’t really know you that well yet, but I’m feeling like this is a fuck-you kind of moment. So, fuck you.”
Words. They were just words. I’d heard them all a million times before. They meant as little now as at any other time. Promises made, promises broken. It was bullshit.
“I am done with you.” I was. I meant it. I fucking meant it. Never again would I give her the opportunity to let me down.
“I just… I want something for the pain.” “Okay, I’ll get you something for pain, Joseph,” I heard her reply. “Where is the pain worse? In your head?” “No, it’s here,” I whispered, rubbing my chest. “Here’s the worst.” “Your heart?” I nodded stiffly. “Okay, sweetheart,” the nurse replied softly. “Just close your eyes and get some rest. I’ll go and fetch you something for the pain.”
“How is young Joey?” “Destroyed.” I couldn’t hide the pain in my voice. “He’s broken physically and mentally.”
“You don’t understand how much it hurts. Watching him go through everything he goes through and feeling utterly useless.” “You’re not useless, love,” Mam soothed, wrapping me up in her arms. “You’re a lifeline to that boy. A life jacket, if you will.” “No, I’m not.” “Yes, you are,” she coaxed. “You’ve been keeping him afloat for years now.”
I am so fucking scared for him that I can barely breathe. One of these days, he’s going to go under, and I won’t be able to pull him back.”
You broke him, Marie. You have damaged Joey deeper with your words than his father ever has with his fists. You’re a gaslighting bitch!”
“Then you’re going to ruin his life.” “Then at least he’ll be ruined with love and not pain.”
“Are there any allergies in your family or your partner’s family?” “I have an intolerance to bullshit if that counts?”
Don’t hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.
“The only way you can hurt me is by avoiding me,” I urged, clutching my phone. “Ride or die, remember? It still stands, Joe. I love you.”
“Joey, listen.” Sniffling, I cleared my throat and tried to be the voice of reason for him. “Yeah, you fucked up, okay? You screwed the hell up. You can’t go back, but you can go forward. You don’t have to stay in this headspace, baby. I can help you. We can get you some help.”
“Can you roll on your side for me, so that I know you won’t choke if you get sick?” “Mm-hmm.” “Good job, stud.” “Don’t go, queen.” “I won’t.” “Stay with me.” “Always.”
Pain. It was everywhere. In my arms. In my eyes. In my ribs. In my heart. There wasn’t an inch of me that didn’t ache anymore.
couldn’t see the white of my eyes anymore. It had been replaced with burst blood vessels. Confused and panicked, I jerked away from the mirror, unable to look at myself a second longer. Because I despised the person staring back at me. I fucking hated that piece of shit.
“You could die, Joe!” “I don’t know if I want to live, Aoife.” “Don’t say that!” she warned, reaching her arm back through the bar to hook it around my neck. “Don’t you ever say that again, do you hear me?” “I’m only here for you,” I confessed, reveling in the warmth of her hands on my skin. I was so fucking cold. She was the only thing that could warm me. “I want it gone, Aoife. I want it to be done with—”
“No, baby, no.” Sniffling, she pulled me close and sealed her mouth to mine. “I won’t let you go.”
“I believe in you,” I heard her say through her tears. “Do you hear me, Joey Lynch?” Clutching my face between her hands, she looked me right in the eyes and whispered, “I still believe in you.” You’re the only one.
“You rang, Mrs. Joey the hurler?” “Gibsie?” Pressing the heel of my hand to my forehead, I exhaled a ragged breath. “I need a favor.”
“You said six hundred?” Gibsie cut me off by asking as he retrieved a wad of cash from his coat pocket and placed it on my lap. “It’s all there.”
“He’s also really unwell. Like, physically unwell. Everyone is looking at Shannon and I get it, I do, but what about Joe?” Shaking my head, I bit back a sob. “He could have died in the kitchen that day, too.”
“Because his entire family treats him like an afterthought,” I choked out. “And no, I don’t mean Shan and the little ones. I mean his mother and his brother and his…” Breaking off before I had a nervous breakdown, I
“I’ve got your back, Mrs. Joey the hurler.”
I forced myself to take it all in. Every bruise. Every broken fucking promise on my behalf to protect her. “You okay?”
“Kavanagh,” I acknowledged then, turning my attention to the lad she was welded to. “Thanks again.” For holding on to her. For looking after her when I couldn’t.
Because as much as I hated myself for thinking it, I knew in my heart that I didn’t have anything left to give her. I was empty. I was done.
I know he’s not here anymore. Dad broke Shannon’s lungs, but he broke Joey’s mind and Mam helped him do it.”
“But my brother can get better. I know he can, and you need to not give up on him.”
mean it,” he pushed, tone defensive. “Joe’s the only parent I remember having, so trust me when I tell you that your kid…” He paused to gesture to my stomach before adding, “Is going to have one hell of a father.”
You can do this. He’s still your Joey. He’s still in there. Bring him back.
I knew he was still in there, though. My Joey was still inside the person strung out next to me. And I loved him enough to keep fighting for him. Even when he’d given up on himself.
I refused to subject our baby to the same ordeal their father had been exposed to. I wouldn’t be Marie Lynch. My baby would come first.
“What about me?” she sobbed. “What about our baby? Do you care about us?” “You’re all I care about,” I snapped, pushing my hair back. “Fuck, you’re all I’ve ever cared about, Molloy. You know that.” “Then fight, Joey Lynch,” she begged, fisting her hand in the front of my hoodie. “Fight this.” “I am.”
“Look at my face, Joe,” she told me, and I did. Fuck, I did. “This is what hurting the person who loves you most in the world looks like.” She sniffled, tears dripping down her face, mirroring mine. “Remember this moment,” she added quietly. “Remember what I looked like the day you broke my heart.”
We had settled into a strange routine, where every morning at school, Molloy would hand me an earphone, giving me a glimpse into how she felt that morning. One song at a time. One day at a time.
The father of my unborn child was a heroin addict. That was a painful admission. It hurt so bad I could hardly breathe.
“I know I’m all fucked up in the head, but I swear it’s true. I want this baby with you.” And there he was. My Joey. He was still in there. His heart was still beating inside that shell.
“I love you.” Panicking when she didn’t respond, I reached for her again. “Aoife—did ya hear me?” “Yeah, and you love that shit you inject into your veins more.”
“I don’t want anything to do with that kind of love. Keep your love for the drugs.”
“I’m not like the rest of them, you know. I’m not ever going to give up on you.” Sniffling she added, “Remember that, Joe.” “Why tell me that?” I asked, thoroughly fucking rattled by her words. She looked me dead in the eyes when she said, “So you can stop disappointing me.”
“I know he loves us,” I whispered, my gaze flicking to my lap as a tear threatened to spill. “But he just loves that poison he injects in his veins more.”
