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He’s tired. He’s so damn weary, and I know that despite everything he would never contemplate leaving those kids unless he had a plan for them. He did have a plan for them. He finally found a home for his babies with people he feels he can trust. If you knew Joe like I do, then you’d know that he doesn’t trust.
“Giving up power to you will be his biggest sacrifice because you’re a woman, and women have always let him down. He’s not fixable like Tadhg, Ollie, and Sean. You can’t slap a plaster on him and heal the scars they put in him. He’s not forgiving like Shannon or diplomatic like Darren. Joey’s not open to change. He’s a closed book. He’s been traumatized far deeper than you, his siblings, or anyone else could comprehend. But you?” I looked her dead in the eyes. “There’s something about you that calls to him. He’s trusting you with his babies. That’s a breakthrough.”
“Because he’s going to get better, I can promise you that, and then your family is going to meet the real Joey. And I promise, you guys are going to fall head over heels in love with him.” She smiled softly. “We already are, love, we already are.”
“You should have told me to fuck off,” he whispered, leaning in close. “All those years back when we were in first year.” His lips brushed mine once, twice. “I’ve loved you since then.” Another kiss. “From the first time I laid eyes on you, sitting on the wall with your blond hair blowing around your face.” His tongue snaked out, teasing mine. “I just didn’t know it then.”
“I know I’ve done you wrong, Molloy,” he quickly continued, seeming to stumble over his words as he tried to piece reality back together in the haze of withdrawal and grief. “But you’re the only one,” he continued to tell me, voice low, pained, and urgent. “You were always the only one. My one. In the good times and the bad. I swear to Christ…”
“On her grave. I swear it. No matter how fucked up I ever got, I never touched another girl.”
“I love you, queen. Always have and always will.” He continued to break me down by whispering, “There was only ever you for me. Stone-cold sober or off my trolly, my head knows that.” Taking my hand in his, he pressed it to his chest before adding, “My heart knows that, too.”
“I’ve done you wrong in so many ways, I couldn’t even begin to list them, but I would never do ya wrong like that. I have never done you wrong like that, okay? If I’ve given you nothing else these past few years, trust that I’ve given you fidelity. I never broke that promise, Molloy. Fucking never.”
“Promise me, Joe!” I broke down and called out, crying hard, as I watched him walk away from me for what could potentially be the last time. “Promise me that you’ll come back for me!”
“Get better and come back for me… For your family.”
“I’ll come back for you. For both of you.” And then he was gone.
By the age of twelve, she was gone. By the age of twelve, so was I. My broken bones healed, my scars faded, and my body grew.
Through the storm, through the Category 5 fucking hurricane that was my life, she stayed, never giving up on me even when I’d given up on myself. Nobody ever got me like she did. Nobody ever accepted me like she had. For me.
Trusting wasn’t something that came easily to me, not even when it came to writing in a fucking journal. Hating, on the other hand, did. I excelled at hating the world. Not just the world, but everyone in it.
And that’s Uncle Podge standing beside him, and right in the back with his shirt over his head is Uncle Al. He’s a little unstable, but we love him anyway.”
“And that guy right there is Mammy’s first boyfriend. Daddy likes to call him Paul the prick.”
“I understand why you refuse to consider yourself a victim, and whether I agree or not, I respect your narrative, but I need you to accept that what happened to you was not acceptable and a serious breach of trust and consent.”
“Trauma reveals itself in many shapes and versions.”
“Yeah, well, in my head, I’m still fighting a war that I can’t win. Against people who can’t hurt me anymore, but still do. So, I reckon that goes a little deeper than trauma, Doc.”
“I have a hard time with living,” I admitted.
I don’t seem to have the right tools for going through the motions. It’s like I’m stuck on fight mode. I’m constantly watching for danger. Doesn’t matter if it’s there or not, I’m programed to sniff it out.
“Everyone leaves, and nobody fucks you over like your own blood.”
The baby was measuring so big that I had been tested four times for gestational diabetes. The results came back negative every single time. Apparently, I was just growing a baby sumo wrestler.
“Maybe before they moved on, someone wanted to make sure his first love had a fighting chance with her first love.”
“Please tell me those aren’t for me.” He glanced down at the flowers in his hand and choked out a laugh as tears trickled down his cheeks. “I didn’t want to show up empty-handed.” “I wish you had,” I drawled sarcastically. “You’re going to ruin my street cred in here.”
“I mean, I would never force myself into your private life, Joey love. You’re a brilliant, capable young man, and I respect that you aren’t a child. That’s not the kind of relationship I want us to have, but if you need me to step in at any time on your behalf, then I am willing and ready to go to bat for you.” “You could vouch for me?” I said and then exhaled a shaky breath before admitting, “Because I could really use your help.”
“It’s a good thing I’m reformed, because that snide comment deserves a smack in the mouth.”
“You know I’d be dead without her, right?” I declared hoarsely. “This entire conversation wouldn’t be happening because I wouldn’t be here to argue about if it wasn’t for Aoife Molloy.”
She saw something worth saving in me, and she decided to love me anyway, and I am so fucking thankful that she did.” I shook my head. “You will never understand how much I owe that girl. How much I fucking worship the ground she walks on!”
“But not anymore because I might not know who I am, Darren, but I sure as hell know who I’m not!”
“I’ve always been a father!” I roared back, chest heaving. “And I’ve done a pretty fucking good job with the four I’ve raised. And yeah, I’m a mess, and yeah, I’m an addict, but I’m a good father! I’m a good fucking parent, Darren. I kept them alive. I kept them fed, and loved, and nurtured, and goddamn educated.
So, call me a junkie and whatever the hell else you want to call me, but don’t say that I’m too young to be a father!”
Because news flash, asshole, that girl is my life. Her and our baby. And if she wants a ring, she’ll get it. And a house, she’ll get that, too. And if the time comes where she wants more kids, then I’ll give them to her. Whatever she wants. Because we’re mirrors. Her and me. We’re aligned. That’s my future, Darren, and if you keep meddling in it, then you won’t be a part of it.”
“Yes,” Dr. B exclaimed, almost punching the air with excitement. “Fantastic, Joey.” Darren and I both turned to gape at her. “Excuse me?” “Verbalization,” she quickly explained. “Fantastic verbalization of your feelings. We have been working on this for months.” She smiled up at me like I was her favorite student and offered me a supportive thumbs-up, while every other member of my medical team looked on in horror.
“It’s all very woe-is-me around here. Just one big competition to see whose life is the most fucked-up, really.” John smirked. “Well then, I’m sure you’re in the lead by a country mile.” I snorted. “You know it.”
“Oh yeah, and fair warning, I haven’t seen my vagina since June, so you know what that means, don’t you?” “No, Molloy, I really don’t.” “It means you’ll be returning to the Amazon rain forest of vaginas.” “Jesus.”
“They want to change me, Molloy. Make me into a whole different person. It’s not who I am. I’m me.” “They don’t want to change you, Joe. They want to support you.” “I don’t get it.”
“Because Aoife is in no way similar to your mother, and you, my big-hearted boy, don’t have a Teddy Lynch bone in your body.”
“I’m not your boy.” “And I already told you that we’re keeping you.” She chuckled. “Finders keepers, Joey love. You’re mine now.”
“Prove me wrong, Joey.” His voice was thick with emotion as he roughly pulled me into his arms and hugged me tightly. “Prove me wrong, son.” “Don’t worry, Tony.” Swallowing harshly I hugged him back just as tightly. “I will.”
Ollie was holding one side of a homemade banner that read Welcome Home, Joey, while Gussie, of all people, held the other side.
“Welcome home, Joey Lynch.”
“O-ee.” He didn’t hesitate to scramble onto my lap. “Seany loves O-ee,” he whispered in my ear as he stroked my cheeks with his chubby little hands. “O-ee make Seany happy.”
“Okay, okay, everyone back up and let your brother breathe,” John instructed, when all three had thrown themselves on top of me—which wouldn’t have been a problem if it wasn’t for the big overgrown blond bastard who had decided to get in on the action.
swear to god, you’re like a bleeding puppy craving attention.” “Not attention, Johnny, just a little belly rub,” Gibsie replied before turning his attention back to me. “Well, would you look at the comeback kid in all his glory.” He winked. “Howdy, friend.”
narrowed my eyes. “It’s you.” He beamed back at me. “It’s me.” And then he had the gall to hug me. He actually motherfucking hugged me.
“Believe it or not, Gussie, I will take your rugby-ball-shaped head clean off your shoulders if you don’t let go.” “Oh no,” Johnny sighed and covered his head. “Oh, sweet Jesus, here we go.” “I knew it!” Gibsie declared, yanking away from me and turning to Kav. “I fucking knew it. That’s the second time someone has said that, Johnny.”
“I…” I shook my head, feeling at a complete loss. “One day, I will pay you back for everything.” “Joey love.” Closing the space between us, she pressed her hand to my cheek and smiled up at me. “You being here is all the payment I need.”
“What the fuck is this?” I laughed, bucking him off my lap. “Who taught you to pull hair? Shannon?” “Actually, it was your girlfriend,” he countered. “When she was screaming my name.” I narrowed my eyes in warning. “Tadhg.” “Yes, Tadhg, yes!” he mocked. “I’m warning ya.”
“Hold on.” Frowning, Ollie turned to look at me. “Do you and Aoife play with balloons together?” “Not nearly enough,” Gibsie snickered. “Ha-fucking-ha, lad.” I rolled my eyes. “You’re hilarious.”
