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“For one look at yourself, take ten looks at Christ.”5
Your spouse is inclined to drift from grace to self-effort.
The only true antidote to self-effort is to be reminded of how impotent we were to save ourselves.
In our spiritual battles, we can be so aware of the fight to overcome specific sin tendencies that we begin to think the Christian life is basically about dealing with sin. That’s completely wrong. Yes, we are called to become ever more effective warriors against sin. But everything we do in this temporary world serves as training for the permanent world yet to come. It’s easy to forget that bigger picture.
We can live completely oblivious to the Father behind us, one divine hand on the seat and another on the handlebars. Marriage provides us the opportunity to remind one another of the real power behind our progress and direction.
When a spouse communicates grace, we move beyond mistakes and the journey becomes enjoyable.
Marriages that are sexually satisfying in private carry into the public sphere a certain sparkle, an open demonstration of joy and unity that helps point people to the Creator of marriage.
“Sexual communication in marriage is imperative.”3
For the Christian, sex in marriage is to be a God-installed defense against temptation.
Most couples with a healthy sex life live largely unaware of how much their physical relationship works silently but powerfully against sexual temptation.
And in marriage, it is sex that protects. Sex works invisibly but powerfully to diminish temptations to sexual immorality.
Marital sex (which glorifies God, honors marriage, and satisfies spouses) exists in part to prevent adultery (which insults God, betrays marriage, and debases spouses).
Our connection is so comprehensive that God gives our spouse a claim over our body. It’s a remarkable picture of the actual scope of “the two becoming one flesh.” We are called by God to become devoted to sexually satisfying our spouse.
“The reason there is so much misery in marriage is not that husbands and wives seek their own pleasure, but that they do not seek it in the pleasure of their spouses.”6
The joy of sex, then, is the pleasure derived from giving our spouse his or her conjugal rights.
the sexual relationship in marriage then becomes a journey of figuring out how to delight my spouse with my body.
“Indeed any married person who rightly sees these verses as commands from God will bring to the marriage bed a servant’s mindset that places the primary emphasis on the sexual satisfaction of his or her spouse.”7
If spouses are committed to one another’s pleasure, nobody goes to sleep disappointed.
The joy that springs from pleasing our husband or wife is one reason sex was never designed to be a solo pursuit. Biblical sex, with its joyful service and the matchless intimacy born from it, is a glorious expression of what we are intended to be—male and female, created in God’s image to enjoy intimacy of relationship in its deepest possible expression.
We used to wonder if God was against romance. Now we know he just likes to create funny stories to go along with it.
We are called to depend on him at every moment and in every area—including our sex life.
Let’s look now at sloth, unbelief, and bitterness, three common sins that can rob sweetness from the sexual relationship in marriage.
Sloth is a romance killer. Even the word chills the air. By sloth I simply mean laziness with respect to marital intimacy. The most common fruits of this heart condition are passivity and unresponsiveness.
But when we allow unbelief to tangle its roots around our hearts, we begin to believe its lies.
this type of unbelief is devastating, not only to our sex lives, but to our entire spiritual existence. It calls into question the very nature of God
We must battle both forms of unbelief with a dependence on who God has revealed himself to be in his Word.
Unbelief leans away from God’s promises; bitterness slams the door. “You defrauded me, and I won’t trust you.” “You didn’t exercise self-control before we were married; you won’t after.”
Bitterness is one of the most common causes of neglected sex. From the soil of anger and unresolved conflicts, it grows quickly into a virulent weed that chokes out intimacy. Married people turned bitter use their bodies as a weapon, a weapon that harms by withholding. A weapon used to punish the other person for sinning against us. This calls for forgiveness.
For husbands and wives, the adventure of dependence inevitably leads to the adventure of creative investment.
“There’s no such thing as a romance expert or passion professional. Romance must be continually practiced, like an art”.8
Great sex in marriage comes from conscious dependence on the goodness and sovereignty of God, who is at work powerfully to make our marriages a source of spiritual and physical joy.
Praise be to God, the gospel has undone the curse of sin, and given sinners who say “I do” a way back from “woe” to “Wow!”
A maturing marriage is one that sees all the way to the finish line and beyond.
there was a resolute confidence that God knew best and could be trusted.
“The Lord gives, the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord”
In this life, the death of a spouse is a defining moment that will mark us until we also die. But compared to where we are headed, it is but a slight change of course in the ocean of eternity.
But God invites us to rise from the table and come around to the other side. He wants us to look over our lives from a different vantage point.
Whatever trial you are in, it will end, and one day you will see it for what it truly is: momentary and slight.
What God has given me through losing my husband is a greater understanding of who Christ is and what he did for me and a powerful sense of the Holy Spirit’s work within me.”
Rather than give in to despair, Jere made daily, sometimes hourly, decisions to embrace God’s sovereign grace and look beyond herself.
“This slight momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory”
That’s what the spouse who remains can look forward to: Incomparable glory.
I hope you realize now that in looking at sin biblically we keep our eyes on what really matters in marriage: The unfathomable love and mercy of God poured out for us through the Savior.
We do not know yet, beloved, of what happiness we are capable . . . Oh, may I be there!
What must it be to be there!6
As real as our marriages are to us on this earth, they are just a shadow of the reality we will experience when Christ comes to claim his bride.
So if you don’t like the book, blame them.
