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how to fully align our motivation for extending forgiveness to God’s purpose for forgiveness.
Forgiveness was God’s idea, was modeled perfectly in Christ, and is commanded in Scripture. Having forgiven us, God does not intend us to remain merely forgiven loiterers in God’s kingdom. We are called to pursue true biblical forgiveness, that God’s people might truly be one, and one to a unique and extraordinary extent in marriage.
When sinners say “I do,” they acknowledge the Son of God’s presence and Lordship in the endeavor of marriage.
He has shown me that my life is not about me, but rather it’s about him, and that in turn is good for me. His ways are not mine, but they are good and trustworthy. And the riches of the gospel, the pearl of great price, is mine in Christ—which will be a firm foundation for me all the way home.
By God’s grace we no longer look back with regret but rather forward with anticipation to what he has called us to.
Sometimes love must risk peace for the sake of truth.
“Our love ought to follow the love of God in one point, namely, in always seeking to produce reconciliation. It was to this end that God sent his Son.”1
Self-examination alone cannot produce a sweet marriage, but only self-examination can provide the humble clarity of sight I need to serve my spouse. My own logging efforts position me for speck-removal.
Someone who knows him and loves him enough to carefully direct truth to his God-denying worry. Someone within the home who can both stand on God’s promises and speak them with loving conviction.
We are called to be merciful and withhold judgment. But we are also called to challenge one another—to correct, exhort, and speak truth to the one we love
We can fulfill the call of reconciliation—turning a wandering believer back to the God who saves. We can love by bringing truth in gracious ways; applying grace through speaking the truth. When we do this ministry, we not only fulfill the role of Nathan, we represent our Lord Jesus Christ, who came and dwelt among us, full of grace and truth (John 1:14).
The essential instruments in this work have never changed: Wisdom, courage, and meekness.
If I could choose my own superpower, it would be the ability to suck back stupid statements the instant they escape my lips.
“The beginning of wisdom is this: get wisdom, and whatever you get, get insight” (Proverbs 4:7).
wisdom begins with the fear of the Lord—living practically in view of God’s glory.
“Not till we have become humble and teachable, standing in awe of God’s holiness and sovereignty, acknowledging our own littleness, distrusting our own thoughts, and willing to have our minds turned upside down, can divine wisdom become ours.”3
But marriage becomes sweet when spouses, recognizing that each one will probably need corrective surgery from time to time, give one another permission to wield the scalpel as needed.
An excellent and humble way to demonstrate your ongoing willingness to come under the biblical knife is to pursue correction regularly.
In prayer we are reminded of our surgical limitations—we can operate, but we cannot heal; we can speak, but we cannot convict concerning sin. Only God can do that (John 16:8). Prayer brings the fear of the Lord to the forefront of our minds, and this is the beginning of wisdom. If we connect with God before we move toward sinners, it becomes far easier to draw them back to him.
How are you doing on praying for your spouse, forbearing with your spouse, and loving your spouse?
To be wise in grace is to see that a well-considered word carefully applied is good medicine.
Similarly, the most helpful reproof frequently comes in the form of open (not leading) questions, because questions create the dialogue that invites more penetrating observations.
Our observations should be designed to lead to God’s truth, not replace it.
When sinners say “I do,” we must be committed to the entire process of helping each other grow in godliness through life.
“When our Lord and Master Jesus Christ said, ‘Repent’ [Matthew 4:17], he willed that the whole life of believers should be one of repentance.”5
Repentance is not about being morbidly fascinated with oneself, preoccupied with analyzing every nuance of one’s personality, words, and failures. As we learned from Jeremy’s example in the last chapter, repentance isn’t ultimately about us at all. It’s about God. It’s becoming so aware of God, his character, and what he has done that we actively seek to turn from sin and pursue righteousness.
In repentance, we cooperate with God in this marvelous work, playing a crucial part that he expects us to fulfill and gives us the grace to execute. Indeed, we are always invited by God to “work out your own salvation with fear and trembling” (Philippians 2:12), to “put to death therefore what is earthly in you” (Colossians 3:5), to “walk by the Spirit” (Galatians 5:16), and to “renounce ungodliness and worldly passions” (Titus 2:12). Repentance isn’t simply wanting change. It is doing change.
Confrontation is not a “gotcha” event.
For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death.
According to Paul, feelings of sorrow alone aren’t necessarily conviction. We can be sorrowful for many reasons, including selfish ones.
Only godly grief brings repentance. And only repentance testifies to the surgical effect of God’s truth applied to our sinful hearts.
Being annoyed is not an invitation to speak. “The vexation of a fool is known at once, but the prudent ignores an insult” (Proverbs 12:16).
A soft answer has more power than a wrathful tongue. “A soft answer turns away wrath” (Proverbs 15:1).
Gentle speech encourages life, whether in conversation or in conflict. “A gentle tongue is a tr...
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The people we love need to know we are more confident in God’s ability to break through than in sin’s ability to deceive. God wants to make himself huge in our marriages—so big that our reproof leaves each other more aware of God’s activity than of sin’s effects. My friend, C. J. Mahaney, calls these evidences of grace. “This means actively looking for ways that God is at work in the lives of other people.”7
A good surgeon carries the cross right into the operating room. It is the first and last thing he reaches for in surgery. It both opens and closes the patient. Surgery is only successful when we move people beyond their problems to the Great Physician.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit.
You come across this sometimes in salvation testimonies. Great detail is presented about sins committed as an unbeliever. This is followed by God’s miraculous intervention, deep joy in the new birth, and then—well, roll the credits.
there is no more urgent need than a deepening awareness of what the grace of God really means when sinners say “I do.”
v. 11) For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people, v. 12) training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age, v. 13) waiting for our blessed hope, the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ, v. 14) who gave himself for us to redeem us from all lawlessness and to purify for himself a people for his own possession who are zealous for good works.
The grace that justifies (declaring us holy in God’s sight) becomes the grace that sanctifies (making us ever more holy in daily life). It is a prevailing, unstoppable grace that doesn’t close up shop the day after the sinner’s prayer. It’s the power of God to help us overcome sin, and a potent weapon in the fierce struggles that accompany life after the honeymoon of conversion.
God gives persistent grace to run the race.
God promises persistent grace to help you run away from that sin and finish well.
Titus 2:12 reminds us that spiritual growth is inevitable, not because we are great students, but because grace is an exceptional teacher.
Perhaps there are areas of sin God is exposing in you. If so, his intention is that you renounce them. What are you waiting for?
Maturity comes not just from knowing what to avoid, but what to pursue.
A hallmark of the Christian life, one of the core things we do as believers seeking to glorify God, is simply to wait. Our marriages play out in a historical waiting room between Jesus’ first coming and his final return.
If God fixed everything on the list you have now, don’t you think you would just make another list? Then another list, and another after that? What’s the end of that process? Perfection, which we don’t get in this life. That’s why we wait. Perfection is coming. Perfection will arrive when the Son of God returns and we dwell with him in the new heavens and the new earth.
Zeal is deep desire that defines how we live and reveals what we love.
Dear, the grace of God has appeared to you. Christ has made you his own. His grace supplies you with persistent, effective spiritual power which is training you to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions—right now, even in and through this trial! Let me encourage you to remember this, and act accordingly. Press into God’s persistent grace.
