When Sinners Say "I Do": Discovering the Power of the Gospel for Marriage

by Dave Harvey

“For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do”

When sin becomes bitter, marriage becomes sweet. When the sin we bring to marriage becomes real to us, then the gospel becomes vital and marriage becomes sweet.

What we believe about God determines the quality of our marriage.

The most profound thing that shapes anybody’s worldview is their understanding of God.

It’s a wonderful, freeing thing to realize that the durability and quality of your marriage is not ultimately based on the strength of your commitment to your marriage. Rather, it’s based on something completely apart from your marriage: God’s truth; truth we find plain and clear on the pages of Scripture.

God created the marriage “program,” wrote the “operating manual,” and is faithful to explain it. He is the one and only reliable and trustworthy authority on the subject of marriage.

The Bible is the foundation for a thriving marriage.

Never make the mistake of thinking that the gospel is only good for evangelism and conversion. By the gospel we understand that, although saved, we remain sinners.Through the gospel we receive power to resist sin.

The gospel is the fountain of a thriving marriage.

Marriage was not just invented by God, it belongs to God.

God is the most important person in a marriage. Marriage is for our good, but it is first for God’s glory.

Young couples running headlong into romance, disregarding the wisdom of those closest to them, trying to use marriage as a way to legitimize uncontrolled desires. They did not see marriage as first being about God. • Christian married couples cashing in their biblical roles and marital responsibilities in favor of “what works,” even if that means settling for far less than what could be. They did not see marriage as first being about God. • Most tragic of all, Christian families torn apart by divorce when one or both spouses simply decide that personal need is more important than what God has joined together. They did not see marriage as first being about God.

is one of God’s great purposes in marriage: to picture the relationship between Christ and His redeemed people forever!2

Marriage is set within the world—and within your home and mine—as a reminder, a living parable of Christ’s relationship to the church.

But marriage is ultimately about God.

Guys, the radiant woman on whose finger you slipped that wedding ring? . . . sinner. Ladies, the man who offered you a vow of perfect faithfulness and lifelong sacrifice? . . . sinner.

Without a “full disclosure on sin,” blind self-confidence will compel us to try to make our marriages work on our own strength.

It was his idea to exalt his name when sinners say “I do.”

“What comes into our minds when we think about God,” said A. W. Tozer, “is the most important thing about us.”

God is completely, totally, enthusiastically supportive of

your every effort to build a strong, God-glorifying marriage.

Paul’s acute, even painful awareness of his own sinfulness caused him to magnify the glory of the Savior!

A great awareness of one’s sinfulness often stands side by side with great joy and confidence in God.

This reality is very different from what we’re usually up to our necks in—that slick, shiny, false reality of an affluent, comfort-driven society obsessed with self-esteem.

Christians are rapidly losing sight of sin as the root of all human woes.

Remove the reality of sin, and you take away the possibility of repentance.

Abolish the doctrine of human depravity and you void the divine plan of salvation.

Erase the no...

personal guilt and you eliminate the need...

And when I find myself walking in the shoes of the worst of sinners, I will make every effort to grant my spouse the same lavish grace that God has granted me.

All sin is first against God.

for if I am a husband, I’m obviously not single. Now recall that the Bible has a specific way of describing

I am a better husband and father, and a happier man, when I recognize myself as the worst of sinners.

Remember also who we are in Christ despite our sin: we are treasured children of the Father, who loved us enough to send his only Son to suffer the punishment for our sins, even those sins we have yet to commit.

anything we do that isn’t sin is simply the grace of God at work.

The road of humility is open to all husbands and wives who are willing to give “a due consideration” to who they truly are, in and of themselves, before a holy God.

There’s nothing quite like being a forgiven sinner, grateful to the living God for life, breath, salvation, and every other provision.

Now in marriage, what do you have? Two sinners, each with the potential for war constantly lurking within them.

The benefits of the new birth—the pardon of our sins and our relationship with Christ—do not remove us from the battle.

Instead, they guarantee our victory! Informed by the Word of God, and empowered by the Holy Spirit, you can make your battles fewer, shorter, and not merely less harmful, but actually redemptive, allowing your marriage to steadily grow in sweetness.

It is a clash of desires—desires of the flesh against desires of the Spirit. It is trench warfare for supremacy of the human heart.

Your warring, sinful desires come out swinging. Why? Because their purpose is to keep you from doing the things you want to do for God.

Suddenly my “Honey, would you . . .” becomes a suggestion grenade that sets off a battle within her. She doesn’t want a Spirit/flesh battle at that moment, but she gets it.

This whole idea of seeing God, yourself, and your marriage for what they truly are is all about clear, biblical thinking. Locating the source of your marriage problemsinyour marriage is like saying the Battle of Bull Run was caused by some really troubled farmland. The battle was fought on farmland, but its cause lay elsewhere.

The cause of our marriage battles, friends, is neither our marriage nor our spouse. It’s the sin in our hearts—entirely, totally, exclusively, without exception.

But what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart, and this defiles a person. For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander. These are what defile a person. (Matthew 15:18–20a)

What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions (James 4:1–3).

God loves us so much he doesn’t leave us looking for answers to the perplexing questions and challenges of marriage.

The problem is the “great opposition” within us.

In the fog of war people do things that are completely out of character, things they would have sworn they could never do.