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Paul said, “Part of me delights in God’s law, but I see another law attempting to take me captive.” Have you ever heard yourself or your spouse say: “I can’t believe I did that!” “Where did that come from?” “That’s just not like me!”
was converted twenty-six years ago and I still have the “law of sin” at work in my body.
it targets our desire to do anything holy.
Although we have been blessed by God, sin would have us think of ourselves as victimized by God. That’s how sin works now. That’s how it worked “in the beginning.”
Whoever sin kills, it betrays.”6 Here, “betray” means using a relationship of trust to deliver someone into the hands of an enemy. It’s the ultimate bait-and-switch, a promise of blessing that in the end delivers a curse.
Human beings are hardly ever capable of an anger that is completely holy. We nearly always manage to mix in a heaping teaspoon of self-righteousness.
God sees you as more than a forgiven sinner. He sees you as a holy person. Even though the power of sin continues to operate within you, its reign has been broken and God no longer sees you in reference to it. Please understand this: No matter how intense your battle with sin may rage, you fight as a forgiven sinner. You fight on the side of God, and God always wins in the end!
Sinners who are humble are growing more knowledgeable about their hearts.
“Our best works are shot through with sin and contain something for which we need to be forgiven.”2
we often want to fix our marriage problems by “fixing” our spouses.
When our goal is to address someone else’s sin, Jesus tells us, our own sin must loom large in our sight. It must be, by far, the primary and more significant issue.
What if, to you, the log (not the speck) was yours . . . and to your spouse the log (not the speck) was his or hers? Would one of you be wrong? Would that be a misapplication of this passage? I don’t think so. I think it’s exactly what is supposed to happen!
Beware the off-ramp of pride.
We are saints who are still sinners.
You must bring to these conversations an awareness of your own sinful drives and desires that is more tangible and more vivid than your awareness of your spouse’s sin. This will lower your irritation and soften your tone of voice.
Marriages flourish when both partners learn to stay on the narrow road of integrity.
The problem is not with the honesty itself, but in the intent of a person’s honest words.
In marriage, this means that God will create opportunities to reveal and then deal with sin that keeps us from living in wisdom.
You see, your wicked heart and mine are amazingly similar. They both crave vindication. They want to insist that something else made us sin . . . something outside of us . . . beyond our control. Aha—our circumstances!
What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask.
Needs are not wrong; we all have them. They exist as daily reminders that we were created as dependent beings, in fundamental need of God and his provision for our lives. But maintaining a distinction between genuine needs and those needs invented by a self-indulgent culture is essential for a healthy marriage.
The problem is not that we desire—desire is completely natural; it’s that our desires become juiced with steroids. Calvin called our desires “inordinate.”4
A needs-based marriage does not testify to God’s glory; it is focused on personal demands competing for supremacy.
But sinners who say “I do” have a different road to travel. It is the road of astonishing, undeserved grace—a grace so remarkable that it shows us the problem and then delivers the solution.
Beatitudes—as Luke records it, four blessings packed with hope for the future, followed by four warnings to those as yet unaware of their need for a Savior. Then, in going to the heart of the matter, things got really interesting. But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you.
Mercy sweetens marriage. Where it is absent, two people flog one another over everything from failure to fix the faucet to phone bills. But where it is present, marriage grows sweeter and more delightful, even in the face of challenges, setbacks, and the persistent effects of our remaining
I’m more of a tea guy. My friends consider tea to be feminine, but I don’t think hard enough in the morning to ask gender questions of my breakfast drink.
It’s no wonder that Martin Luther called marriage “the school of character.”1Without mercy, differences become divisive, sometimes even “irreconcilable.” But deep, profound differences are the reality of every marriage. It’s not the presence of differences but the absence of mercy that makes them irreconcilable. How many sinners who say “so long” would remain as lovers who said “I do” if they understood the place of mercy in marriage?
We are called to continue in the kindness we have received (Romans 11:22). We don’t wait to be sinned against and then try to respond with mercy. Rather, we adopt the posture of being willing to experience sin against us as part of building a God-glorifying marriage in a fallen world. Kindness says to our spouse, “I know you are a sinner like me and you will sin against me, just like I sin against you. But I refuse to live defensively with you. I’m going to live leaning in your direction with a merciful posture that your sin and weakness cannot erase.”
Here are some practical ways we can show mercy when under attack: • Remind yourself that your greatest enemy is “the enemy within”—your own sin. We covered this in chapters two and three. • When you’re not in a conflict, ask each other the question, “What behavior of mine expresses anger or a lack of love for you?” Take your spouse’s answer and attempt to do the opposite when you feel sinned against. • Learn to love in the style of 1 Corinthians 13 by being “patient, kind, and not resentful.” Resist being a defense attorney in your mind. Fire the “prosecuting attorney” within—it’s nothing but
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One thing I’ve learned, if I can avert a two-hour argument with two minutes of mercy, that’s a win for everybody involved.
Maybe you didn’t know this, but the Bible gives you a special privilege in dealing with sin committed against you. It’s called forbearance. It means that you can bring love into play in such a way that you can cut someone free from their sin against you—without them even knowing or acknowledging what they’ve done! Forbearance is an expression of mercy that can cover both the big sins of marital strife and the small sins of marital tension. And let’s face it; small sins are the fuel for most marital blazes.
Proverbs 19:11 tells us it is a “glory to overlook an offense.” Forbearance is preemptive forgiveness, freely and genuinely bestowed.
Peter gives us the key to forbearance. “Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8). Looks like Peter learned the lessons of Luke 6 pretty well.
Self-righteousness is a sense of moral superiority that appoints us as prosecutor of other people’s sinfulness. We relate to others as if we are incapable of the sins they commit. Self-righteousness wages war against mercy.
But here are some questions I’ve learned to ask myself in the battle with self-righteousness: • Am I self-confident that I see the supposed “facts” clearly? • Am I quick to assign motives when I feel I’ve been wronged? • Do I find it easy to build a case against someone that makes me seem right and him or her seem wrong? • Do I ask questions with built-in assumptions I believe will be proven right? Or do I ask impartial questions—the kind that genuinely seek new information regardless of its implications for my preferred outcome? • Am I overly concerned about who is to blame for something? •
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We all have some weakness in some area, or else there would be no need for the power of God to operate in our lives (Romans 8:26).
The good news for self-righteous, judgmental people (all of us from time to time) is that mercy triumphs over judgment (James 2:13). When I grasp the mercy of God expressed to me, it opens my eyes to the bankruptcy of my own righteousness and sends me to the cross for the righteousness of Christ. I can then sympathize with my spouse’s weaknesses and rejoice in my own, for they reveal God’s strength (2 Corinthians 12:9).
Mercy is never strained because it is able to cover all it touches. It sweetens all it touches because it comes from heaven—from the very throne of the merciful Savior. Mercy is a blessing to those who receive and those who give. Take all you can get. And don’t forget to pass it on.
“You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. And should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?” And in anger his master delivered him to the jailers, until he should pay all his debt. So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart.
Forbearance comes into play when we are truly able to cover a perceived offense with God’s love, not retaining the smallest resentment.
“God, even if Cindy chooses to pursue divorce (which I knew she had every biblical right to do) I know I have no right to this marriage. All I’ve ever deserved was your wrath. Forgive me for my adultery in heart and action against you and her, based only on your Son’s shed blood. I accept him and his work, and whatever discipline you require to change my heart.”
He was a weak and broken man. Just what his marriage needed.
Forgiveness is costly, and sometimes it costs more than we think we can give.
The first valve, controlled by the one who sinned, is repentance and a request for forgiveness.
Valve two is a mercy valve. It releases the person who sinned from the liability of suffering punishment for that sin.
Forgiveness can be a costly activity. When you cancel a debt, it does not just simply disappear. Instead, you absorb a liability that someone else deserves to pay. Similarly, forgiveness requires that you absorb certain effects of another person’s sins and you release that person from liability to punishment. This is precisely what Christ accomplished on Calvary.5
the extension of true forgiveness can never guarantee we won’t be wronged again. So why even consider it? Because forgiveness, full and free, is precisely what has been accomplished for us on Calvary. And the one who has been forgiven is now able to forgive others. Forgiven sinners forgive sin.
yet God taught me to rely not on my feelings but on his grace to me on the cross.
And we, like Peter, need to see that forgiveness is not the stuff of the extraordinary saint. Forgiveness is at the heart of the gospel and therefore is to be a defining characteristic of every believer.
