More on this book
Community
Kindle Notes & Highlights
Read between
January 18, 2012 - January 14, 2017
Nothing fails like success.
They produce what Buddhism calls “the middle way”—not a compromise between two opposites on a straight-line continuum, but a higher middle way, like the apex of a triangle.
When you produce something with another person that is truly creative, it’s one of the most powerful forms of bonding there is.
Professional and personal relationships are more positive and successful when approached as creative endeavors.
Most breakthroughs in life truly are “break-withs.”
Remember, to know and not to do is really not to know.
how people behave when others disagree with them about high-stakes, emotional issues.
opinions vary.
stakes
are high.
emotions run strong.
the results could have a huge impact on the quality of your life.
We’re designed wrong.
emotions don’t exactly prepare us to converse effectively. Countless generations of genetic shaping drive humans to handle crucial conversations with flying fists and fleet feet, not intelligent persuasion and gentle attentiveness.
Your body is preparing to deal with an attacking saber-toothed tiger, not your boss, neighbor, or loved ones.
Your behavior is now actually creating the very thing you didn’t want in the first place.
What about your career? Are there crucial conversations that you’re not holding or not holding well? Is this undermining your influence? And more importantly, would your career take a step forward if you could improve how you’re dealing with these conversations?
Use these questions as a base point for your own..
The real problem is that those who observe deviations or infractions say nothing. Across the world we’ve found that the odds of a nurse speaking up in this crucial moment are less than one in twelve.
Relate this to advocacy for PWDs.
Silence fails. When it comes to the corporate world, the most common complaint of executives and managers is that their people work in silos. They do great at tasks that are handled entirely within their team. Unfortunately, close to 80 percent of the projects that require cross-functional cooperation cost far more than expected, produce less than hoped for, and run significantly over budget.
Can relate directly to divide between sped and gen ed.
The key to real change lies not in implementing a new process, but in getting people to hold one another accountable to the process. And that requires Crucial Conversations skills.
So what about you? Is your organization stuck in its progress toward some important goal? If so, are there conversations that you’re either avoiding or botching? And how about the people you work with? Are they stepping up to or walking away from crucial conversations? Could you take a big step forward by improving how you deal with these conversations?
More excellent questions for the course.
Think of your own important relationships. Are there a few crucial conversations that you’re currently avoiding or handling poorly? Do you walk away from some issues only to come charging back into others? Do you hold in ugly opinions only to have them tumble out as sarcastic remarks or cheap shots? How about your significant other or family members? Are they constantly toggling from seething silence to subtle but costly attacks? When it matters the most (after all, these are your cherished loved ones), are you on your worst behavior? If so, you definitely have something to gain by learning
...more
Is this surprising that the leaders in an organization aren't the best at crucial conversations?
“Hey Chris, can I check something out with you?”
Ask permission to clarify points.
deep respect
Respect is key.
Fool’s Choice.
Kevin’s contribution was not his insight. Almost everyone could see what was happening.
Option 1: Speak up and turn the most powerful person in the company into their sworn enemy. • Option 2: Suffer in silence and make a bad decision that might ruin the company.
The Fool's Choice
We begin believing in the Fool’s Choice from an early age.
“How can I be 100 percent honest with Chris, and at the same time be 100 percent respectful?”
When it comes to risky, controversial, and emotional conversations, skilled people find a way to get all relevant information (from themselves and others) out into the open.
People who are skilled at dialogue do their best to make it safe for everyone to add their meaning to the shared pool—even ideas that at first glance appear controversial, wrong, or at odds with their own beliefs. Now, obviously, they don’t agree with every idea; they simply do their best to ensure that all ideas find their way into the open.
the Pool of Shared Meaning is a measure of a group’s IQ.
The time you spend up front establishing a shared pool of meaning is more than paid for by faster, more unified, and more committed action later on.
whatever the decision-making method, the greater the shared meaning in the pool, the
better the choice, the more the unity, and the stronger the conviction—whoever makes the choice.
We play the martyr and then pretend we’re actually trying to help.
In order to move to our best, we have to find a way to explain what is in each of our personal pools of meaning—especially our high-stakes, sensitive, and controversial opinions, feelings, and ideas—and to get others to share their pools. We have to develop the tools that make it safe for us to discuss these issues and to come to a shared pool of meaning. And when we do, our lives change.
As we work on ourselves, watch for problems, examine our own thought processes, discover our own styles, and then catch problems before they get out of hand, everyone benefits.
first principle of dialogue—Start with Heart.
And that’s the first problem we face in our crucial conversations. Our problem is not that our behavior degenerates. It’s that our motives do—
They believe the best way to work on “us” is to start with “me.”
Sound familiar from our behavior management classes?
“Work on me first, us second.”
Skilled people Start
with Heart. That is, they begin high-risk discussions with the right motives, and they stay focused no matter what happens.
Unlike others who justify their unhealthy behavior by explaining that they had no choice but to fight or take flight, the dialogue-smart believe that dialogue, no matter the circumstances, is always an option.
When under attack, our heart can take a similarly sudden and unconscious turn. When faced with pressure and strong opinions, we often stop worrying about the goal of adding to the pool of meaning and start looking for ways to win, punish, or keep the peace.
‘What do I really want here?’” Asking this question had a powerful effect on Greta’s thinking. As she focused on this far more important question,
What do I really want for myself? What do I really want for others? What do I really want for the relationship?
Asking questions about what we really want serves two important purposes. First, it reminds us of our goal. Second, it juices up our brain in a way that helps us keep focused.
