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October 9 - December 5, 2023
Nothing fails like success.
Remember, to know and not to do is really not to know.
The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place. —GEORGE BERNARD SHAW
Your body is preparing to deal with an attacking saber-toothed tiger, not your boss, neighbor, or loved ones.
the key skill of effective leaders, teammates, parents, and loved ones is the capacity to skillfully address emotionally and politically risky issues.
The key to real change lies not in implementing a new process, but in getting people to hold one another accountable to the process.
“You’re saying that the way you talk or don’t talk affects your body? It could kill you?” The short answer is yes. The longer answer suggests that the negative feelings we hold in, the emotional pain we suffer, and the constant battering we endure as we stumble our way through unhealthy conversations slowly eat away at our health. In some cases the impact of failed conversations leads to minor problems. In others it results in disaster. In all cases, failed conversations never make us happier, healthier, or better off.
Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. —MARTIN LUTHER KING JR.
The mistake most of us make in our crucial conversations is we believe that we have to choose between telling the truth and keeping a friend.
People who are skilled at dialogue do their best to make it safe for everyone to add their meaning to the shared pool—even ideas that at first glance appear controversial, wrong, or at odds with their own beliefs. Now, obviously, they don’t agree with every idea; they simply do their best to ensure that all ideas find their way into the open.
individually smart people can do collectively stupid things.
The Pool of Shared Meaning is the birthplace of synergy.
Skilled people Start with Heart. That is, they begin high-risk discussions with the right motives, and they stay focused no matter what happens.
When under attack, our heart can take a similarly sudden and unconscious turn. When faced with pressure and strong opinions, we often stop worrying about the goal of adding to the pool of meaning and start looking for ways to win, punish, or keep the peace.
What do I really want for myself? What do I really want for others? What do I really want for the relationship? Once you’ve asked yourself what you want, add one more equally telling question: How would I behave if I really wanted these results?
Is there a way to talk to your neighbors about their annoying behavior and not come
So what do you look for when caught in the middle of a crucial conversation? What do you need to see in order to catch problems before they become too severe? Actually, it helps to watch for three different conditions: the moment a conversation turns crucial, signs that people don’t feel safe (silence or violence), and your own Style Under Stress. Let’s consider each of these conversation killers in turn.
people rarely become defensive simply because of what you’re saying. They only become defensive when they no longer feel safe. The problem is not the content of your message, but the condition of the conversation.
The three most common forms of silence are masking, avoiding, and withdrawing.
As attention turns to scoring points, everyone loses. Your Mutual Purpose suffers for a lack of Mutual Respect.
See their aggressive behavior for what it is—a sign of violated safety—then step out of the conversation, build safety, and step back into the content.
The worst at dialogue either ignore the problem and push ahead or roll over and let others have their way. They opt for either competition or submission. Both strategies end up making winners and losers, and the problem continues long beyond the initial conversation.
“It seems like we’re both trying to force our view on each other. I commit to stay in this discussion until we have a solution that satisfies both of us.”
Before you can agree on a Mutual Purpose, you must first know what people’s real purposes are. Step out of the content of the conversation—which is generally focused on strategies—and explore the purposes behind them.
Ask people why they want what they’re pushing for. Separate what they’re demanding from the purpose it serves.
Emotions don’t settle upon you like a fog. They are not foisted upon you by others. No matter how comfortable it might make you feel saying it—others don’t make you mad. You make you mad. You make you scared, annoyed, or insulted. You and only you create your emotions.
Once you’ve created your upset emotions, you have only two options: You can act on them or be acted on by them. That is, when it comes to strong emotions, you either find a way to master them or fall hostage to them.
Here’s the problem. Maria is treating her emotions as if they are the only valid response. Since, in her mind, they are both justified and accurate, she makes no effort to change or even question them. Besides, in her view, Louis caused them.
This, of course, is easier said than done. It’s not easy to rethink yourself from an emotional and dangerous state into one that puts you back in control. But it can be done. It should be done.
Not only do Villain Stories help us blame others for bad results, but they also set us up to then do whatever we want to the “villains.” After all, we can feel okay insulting or abusing a bonehead—whereas we might have to be more careful with a living, breathing person. Then when we fail to get the results we really want, we stay stuck in our ineffective behavior because, after all, look who we’re dealing with!
Clever stories get us off the hook. More often than not, our conclusions transform from reasonable explanations to clever stories when they conveniently excuse us from any responsibility—when, in reality, we have been partially responsible. The other person isn’t bad and wrong, and we aren’t right and good. The truth lies somewhere in the middle.
You didn’t start telling clever stories until after you failed to do something you knew you should have done. Your spouse’s annoying habit didn’t become a source of resentment until you became part of the problem. You got upset because you sold out. And the clever story helped you feel good about being rude.
What’s the best way to fill in the missing details? Quite simply, it’s done by turning victims into actors, villains into humans, and the helpless into the able.
SUMMARY—MASTER MY STORIES If strong emotions are keeping you stuck in silence or violence, try this. Retrace Your Path Notice your behavior. If you find yourself moving away from dialogue, ask yourself what you’re really doing. • Am I in some form of silence or violence? Get in touch with your feelings. Learn to accurately identify the emotions behind your story. • What emotions are encouraging me to act this way? Analyze your stories. Question your conclusions and look for other possible explanations behind your story. • What story is creating these emotions? Get back to the facts. Abandon
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the more important the discussion, the less likely we are to be on our best behavior.
confidence, humility, and skill.
People who are skilled at dialogue have the confidence to say what needs to be said to the person who needs to hear it. They are confident that their opinions deserve to be placed in the pool of meaning. They are also confident that they can speak openly without brutalizing others or causing undue offense.
Skilled people are confident that they have something to say, but also realize that others have valuable input. They are humble enough to realize that they don’t have a monopoly on the truth nor do they always have to win their way.
Share your facts • Tell your story • Ask for others’ paths • Talk tentatively • Encourage testing
Since we’re obsessing on our emotions and stories, that’s what we start with. Of course, starting with our ugly stories is the most controversial, least influential, and most insulting way we could begin.
The reason we should speak tentatively is because we, indeed, are not certain that our opinions represent absolute truth or our understanding of the facts is complete and perfect. You should never pretend to be less confident than you are. But likewise, you should not pretend to be more confident than your limited capacity allows. Our observations could be faulty. Our stories—well, they’re only educated guesses.
The real test of whether your motive is to win a debate or engage in real dialogue is the degree to which you encourage testing.
Open yourself up to the belief that others might have something to say, and better still, they might even hold a piece of the puzzle—and then ask them for their views.
SUMMARY—STATE MY PATH When you have a tough message to share, or when you are so convinced of your own rightness that you may push too hard, remember to STATE your path: • Share your facts. Start with the least controversial, most persuasive elements from your Path to Action. • Tell your story. Explain what you’re beginning to conclude. • Ask for others’ paths. Encourage others to share both their facts and their stories. • Talk tentatively. State your story as a story—don’t disguise it as a fact. • Encourage testing. Make it safe for others to express differing or even opposing views.
One of the best ways to persuade others is with your ears—by listening to them. —DEAN RUSK
And while it’s true that you can’t force others to dialogue, you can take steps to make it safer for them to do so.
Restoring safety is your greatest hope to get your relationship back on track.
When you ask people to open up, be prepared to listen.
at the very moment when most people become furious, we need to become curious. Rather than respond in kind, we need to wonder what’s behind the ruckus.
“Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person say this?”
