Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High

by Kerry Patterson

when a challenge in life is met by a response that is equal to it, you have success.

the solutions must be synergistic, meaning that the whole is

greater than the sum of the parts.

In short, you move from creating the right mind- and heart-set to developing and utilizing the right skill-set.

Most breakthroughs in life truly are “break-withs.”

Remember, to know and not to do is really not to know.

We argued that the root cause of many—if not most—human problems lies in how people behave when others disagree with them about high-stakes, emotional issues.

crucial conversations

are

the day-to-day conversations that aff...

opinions vary.

stakes are high.

emotions run strong.

What makes each of these conversations crucial—

that the results could have a huge impact on the quality of your life.

We use all kinds of tactics to dodge touchy issues.

A discussion between two or more people where (1) stakes are high, (2) opinions vary, and (3) emotions run strong.

when we’re anticipating a potentially dangerous discussion, do

we step up to it rather than scamper away?

Crucial conversations are frequently spontaneous. More often than not, they come out of nowhere.

Our research has shown that strong relationships, careers, organizations, and communities all draw from the same source of power—the ability to talk openly about high-stakes, emotional, controversial topics.

key skill of effective leaders, teammates, parents, and loved ones is the capacity to skillfully address emotionally and

politically risky issues.

We found that more often than not, the world changes when

people have to deal with a very risky issue and either do it poorly or do it well.

fails to put on the proper gloves,

gown, and mask to ensure the procedure is done as safely as possible. After the nurse reminds the doctor of the proper protections, the doctor ignores her comment and begins the insertion.

The doctor cut corners and the nurse who politey reminded the doctor to uphold their highest standards of cleanliness, was ignored. The nurse did not push the issue and because of her silence put the patient at risk.

The real problem is that those who observe deviations or infractions say nothing.

And when they don’t speak up, when they don’t hold an effective crucial conversation, it impacts patient safety (some even die),

The predictor of success or failure was whether people could hold five specific crucial conversations.

speak up if they thought the scope and schedule were unrealistic?

the underlying cause was the unwillingness or inability to speak up at crucial moments.

Influence change in colleagues who are bullying, conniving, dishonest, or incompetent.

The key to real change lies not in implementing a new process, but in getting people to hold one another accountable to the process. And that requires Crucial Conversations skills.

There MUST be ACCOUNTABILITY.

In the best companies, everyone holds everyone else accountable—regardless of level or position.

It’s how you argue that matters.

fall into three categories—those who digress into threats and name-calling, those who revert to silent fuming, and those who speak openly, honestly, and

I am a mixture of the first two. I often start out with digressive mud slinging and then quietly fume. Despite this reality i want to openly and honestyb be able to effectively talk these things through.

effectively.

helping couples learn to hold crucial conversations more effectively reduced the chance of unhappiness or breakup by more than half!

Have the hard talks!

the ability to master high-stakes discussions is a key to a healthier and longer life?

Those who routinely failed their crucial conversations had far weaker immune systems than those who found a way to resolve them well.

After meeting only six times and then dispersing for five years, the subjects who learned how to express themselves effectively had a higher survival rate—only 9 percent succumbed as opposed to almost 30 percent in the untrained group.

The longer answer suggests that the negative feelings we hold in, the emotional pain we suffer, and the constant battering we endure as we stumble our way through unhealthy conversations slowly eat away at our health.

Some found their way onto the lists of five or six people. These were the ones good at influence,

These were the best—the clear opinion leaders in their areas.

Chris, he

responded poorly.

he became slightly defensive.

raised an

eye...