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When people first hear the term “crucial conversation,” many conjure up images of presidents, emperors, and prime ministers seated around a massive table while they debate the future. Although it’s true that such discussions have a wide-sweeping impact, they’re not the kind we have in mind. The crucial conversations we’re referring to are interactions that happen to everyone. They’re the day-to-day conversations that affect your life.
what makes one of your conversations crucial as opposed to plain vanilla? First, opinions vary. For example, you’re talking with your boss about a possible promotion. She thinks you’re not ready; you think you are. Second, stakes are high. You’re in a meeting with four coworkers and you’re trying to pick a new marketing strategy. You’ve got to do something different or your company isn’t going to hit its annual goals. Third, emotions run strong. You’re in the middle of a casual discussion with your spouse and he or she brings up an “ugly incident” that took place at yesterday’s neighborhood
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Crucial Conversation kr shel kän´vŭr sa´ shen) n A discussion between two or more people where (1) stakes are high, (2) opinions vary, and (3) emotions run strong.
We act in self-defeating ways. In our doped-up, dumbed-down state, the strategies we choose for dealing with our crucial conversations are perfectly designed to keep us from what we actually want. We’re our own worst enemies—and we don’t even realize it. Here’s how this works.
“Another late night, huh? I’ve got Facebook friends I see more often.
Some Common Crucial Conversations In each of these examples of unhealthy downward spirals, the stakes were moderate to high, opinions varied, and emotions ran strong. Actually, to be honest, in a couple of the examples the stakes were fairly low at first, but with time and growing emotions, the relationship eventually turned sour and quality of life suffered—making the risks high. These examples, of course, are merely the tip of an enormous and ugly iceberg of problems stemming from crucial conversations that either have been avoided or have gone wrong. Other topics that could easily lead to
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For instance, high performers know how to stand up to the boss without committing career suicide. We’ve all seen people hurt their careers by ineffectively discussing tough issues. You may have done it yourself. Fed up with a lengthy and unhealthy pattern of behavior, you finally speak out—but a bit too abruptly.
And that’s not the problem! The real problem is that those who observe deviations or infractions say nothing.
The key to real change lies not in implementing a new process, but in getting people to hold one another accountable to the process.
The mistake most of us make in our crucial conversations is we believe that we have to choose between telling the truth and keeping a friend.
“How can I be 100 percent honest with Chris, and at the same time be 100 percent respectful?
When it comes to risky, controversial, and emotional conversations, skilled people find a way to get all relevant information (from themselves and others) out into the open.
People openly and honestly express their opinions, share their feelings, and articulate their theories. They willingly and capably share their views, even when their ideas are controversial or unpopular.
For instance, sometimes we move to silence. We play Salute and Stay Mute. That is, we don’t confront people in positions of authority. Or at home we may play Freeze Your Lover. With this tortured technique, we give loved ones the cold shoulder in order to get them to treat us better (what’s the logic in that?).
Sometimes we rely on hints, sarcasm, caustic humor, innuendo, and looks of disgust to make our points. We play the martyr and then pretend we’re actually trying to help.
Our problem is not that our behavior degenerates. It’s that our motives do—a fact that we usually miss.
Skilled people Start with Heart. That is, they begin high-risk discussions with the right motives, and they stay focused no matter what happens.
They maintain this focus in two ways. First, they’re steely eyed smart when it comes to knowing what they want. Despite constant invitations to slip away from their goals, they stick with them. Second, skilled people don’t make Fool’s Choices (either/or choices).
When under attack, our heart can take a similarly sudden and unconscious turn. When faced with pressure and strong opinions, we often stop worrying about the goal of adding to the pool of meaning and start looking for ways to win, punish, or keep the peace.
FIRST, FOCUS ON WHAT YOU REALLY WANT
What do I really want for myself? What do I really want for others? What do I really want for the relationship?
Find your bearings. There are two good reasons for asking these questions. First, the answer to what we really want helps us to locate our own North Star. Despite the fact that we’re being tempted to take the wrong path by (1) people who are trying to pick a fight, (2) thousands of years of genetic hard wiring that brings our emotions to a quick boil, and (3) our deeply ingrained habit of trying to win, our North Star returns us to our original purpose.
Asking questions about what we really want serves two important purposes. First, it reminds us of our goal. Second, it juices up our brain in a way that helps us keep focused.
SECOND, REFUSE THE FOOL’S CHOICE
That’s why those who are skilled at crucial conversations present their brain with a more complex question. They routinely ask: “What do I want for myself, the other person, and the relationship?
As you practice presenting this question to yourself at emotional times, you’ll discover that at first you resist it. When our brain isn’t functioning well, we resist complexity. We adore the ease of simply choosing between attacking or hiding—and the fact that we think it makes us look good.
The best at dialogue refuse Fool’s Choices by setting up new choices.
First, clarify what you really want.
If you know what you want for yourself, for others, and for the relationship, then you’re in position to break out of the Fool’s Choice.
Second, clarify what you really don’t want
This is the key to framing the and question. Think of what you are afraid will happen to you if you back away from your current strategy of trying to win or stay safe.
Third, present your brain with a more complex problem.
Finally, combine the two into an and question that forces you to search for more creative and productive options than silence and violence.
SUMMARY—START WITH HEART Here’s how people who are skilled at dialogue stay focused on their goals—particularly when the going gets tough.
Work on Me First, Us Second • Remember that the only person you can directly control is yourself.
Focus on What You Really Want • When you find yourself moving toward silence or violence, stop and pay attention to your motives. • Ask yourself: “What does my behavior tell me about what my motives are?” • Then, clarify what you really want. Ask yourself: “What do I want for myself? For others? For the relatio...
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Refuse the Fool’s Choice • As you consider what you want, notice when you start talking yourself into a Fool’s Choice. • Watch to see if you’re telling yourself that you must choose between peace and honesty, between winning and losing, and so on. • Break free of these Fool’s Choices by searching for the and. • Clarify what you don’t want, add it to what yo...
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Let’s start this chapter by visiting a failed crucial conversation. You’ve just ended a heated debate with a group of people you supervise. What started out as a harmless discussion about your new product timelines ended up as a nasty argument. After an hour of carping and complaining, you finally went to your separate corners. You’re now walking down the hall wondering what happened. In a matter of minutes, an innocent discussion had transformed into a crucial conversation and then into a failed conversation—and you can’t recall why.
Actually, it helps to watch for three different conditions: the moment a conversation turns crucial, signs that people don’t feel safe (silence or violence), and your own Style Under Stress.
Learn to Spot Crucial Conversations
When it’s safe, you can say anything
If you can learn to see when people start to feel unsafe, you can take action to fix it. That means the first challenge is to simply see and understand that safety is at risk.
When it’s unsafe, you start to go blind
By pulling yourself out of the content of an argument and looking for signs that safety is a risk, you reengage your brain and your full vision returns.
Don’t let safety problems lead you astray.
Silence and Violence As people begin to feel unsafe, they start down one of two unhealthy paths. They move either to silence (withholding meaning from the pool) or to violence (trying to force meaning in the pool).
Silence consists of any act to purposefully withhold information from the pool of meaning.
The three most common forms of silence are masking, avoiding, and withdrawing.
Masking consists of understating or selectively showing our true opinions. Sarcasm, sugarcoating, and couching are some of the more popular forms.
Avoiding involves steering completely away from sensitive subjects. We talk, but without addressing the real issues.
