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Withdrawing means pulling out of a conversation altogether. We either exit the conversation or exit the room.
Violence consists of any verbal strategy that attempts to convince, control, or compel others to your point of view. It violates safety by trying to force meaning into the pool.
Controlling consists of coercing others to your way of thinking.
Labeling is putting a label on people or ideas so we can dismiss them under a general stereotype or category.
Attacking speaks for itself. You’ve moved from winning the argument to making the person suffer. Tactics include belittling and threatening.
First a little background. Jotham thinks he and Yvonne are intimate with each other far too seldom. Yvonne is satisfied with their physical relationship. For years, the two have acted out rather than talked out their concerns. When Jotham wants to be amorous and Yvonne doesn’t respond, he goes to silence. He pouts, says almost nothing, and avoids Yvonne for the next few days.
STEP OUT. MAKE IT SAFE. THEN STEP BACK IN
“Can we change gears for a minute? I’d like to talk about what happens when we’re not romantically in sync. It would be good if we could both share what’s working and what isn’t. My goal isn’t to make you feel guilty, and I certainly don’t want to become defensive. What I’d really love is for us to come up with a solution that makes us both satisfied in our relationship.
Mutual Purpose—the Entrance Condition
Consequently, the first condition of safety is Mutual Purpose. Mutual Purpose means that others perceive that you’re working toward a common outcome in the conversation, that you care about their goals, interests, and values.
Remember the Mutual in Mutual Purpose
Mutual Respect—the Continuance Condition Will We Be Able to Remain in Dialogue?
Can You Respect People You Don’t Respect?
However, we can stay in dialogue by finding a way to honor and regard another person’s basic humanity. In essence, feelings of disrespect often come when we dwell on how others are different from ourselves. We can counteract these feelings by looking for ways we are similar. Without excusing others’ behavior, we try to sympathize, even empathize, with them.
A rather clever person once hinted how to do this in the form of a prayer—“Lord, help me forgive those who sin differently than I.
But how? What are you supposed to actually do? We’ve shared a few modest ideas (mostly things to avoid), so let’s get into three hard-hitting skills that the best at dialogue use: • Apologize • Contrast • Create a Mutual Purpose
Apologize When Appropriate
An apology is a statement that sincerely expresses your sorrow for your role in causing—or at least not preventing—pain or difficulty to others.
Now, an apology isn’t really an apology unless you experience a change in heart. To offer a sincere apology, your motives have to change.
Contrast to Fix Misunderstanding
Contrasting is not apologizing. It’s important to understand that Contrasting is not apologizing. It is not a way of taking back something we’ve said that hurt others’ feelings.
Contrasting provides context and proportion. When you’re in the middle of a touchy conversation, sometimes others experience your words as bigger or worse than you intend.
At this point, you could be tempted to water down your content—“You know it’s really not that big a deal.” Don’t give into the temptation. Don’t take back what you’ve said. Instead, put your remarks in context.
“Let me put this in perspective. I don’t want you to think I’m not satisfied with the quality of your work. I want us to continue working together. I really do think you’re doing a good job. This punctuality issue is important to me, and I’d just like you to work on that. If you will be more attentive to that, there are no other issues.”
Use Contrasting for prevention or first aid. Contrasting can be useful both as prevention and as first aid for safety problems.
Commit to Seek Mutual Purpose
In this case, you have to agree to agree. To be successful, we have to stop using silence or violence to compel others to our view. We must even surrender false dialogue, where we pretend to have Mutual Purpose (calmly arguing our side until the other person gives in). We Start with Heart by committing to stay in the conversation until we invent a solution that serves a purpose we both share.
This can be tough. To stop arguing, we have to suspend our belief that our choice is the absolute best and only one, and that we’ll never be happy until we get exactly what we currently want. We have to open our mind to the fact that maybe, just maybe, there is a third choice out there—one that suits everyone.
We also have to be willing to verbalize this commitment even when our partner see...
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Invent a Mutual Purpose Sometimes when you recognize the purposes behind another person’s strategies, you discover that you actually have compatible goals. From there you simply come up with common strategies. But you’re not always so lucky. For example, you find out that your genuine wants and goals cannot be served except at the expense of the other person’s. In this case you cannot discover a Mutual Purpose. That means you’ll have to actively invent one.
To invent a Mutual Purpose, move to more encompassing goals. Find an objective that is more meaningful or more rewarding than the ones that divide the various sides. For instance, you and your spouse may not agree on whether or not you should take the promotion, but you can agree that the needs of your relationship and the children come before career aspirations. By focusing on higher and longer-term goals, you often find ways to transcend short-term compromises, build Mutual Purpose, and return to dialogue.
Brainstorm New Strategies Once you’ve built safety by finding a shared purpose, you should now have enough safety to return ...
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Commit to seek Mutual Purpose. • Recognize the purpose behind the strategy. • Invent a Mutual Purpose. • Brainstorm new strategies.
HE MADE ME MAD! How many times have you heard someone say: “He made me mad!”? How many times have you said it?
Claim one. Emotions don’t settle upon you like a fog. They are not foisted upon you by others. No matter how comfortable it might make you feel saying it—others don’t make you mad. You make you mad. You make you scared, annoyed, or insulted. You and only you create your emotions.
Claim two. Once you’ve created your upset emotions, you have only two options: You can act on them or be acted on by them. That is, when it comes to strong emotions, you either find a way to master them or fall hostage to them.
Emotions don't just happen.... This quote is speaking to me this morning.
Get In Touch with Your Feelings As skilled individuals begin to retrace their own Path to Action, they immediately move from examining their own unhealthy behavior to exploring their feelings or emotions.
Actually, identifying your emotions is more difficult than you might imagine. In fact, many people are emotionally illiterate.
When asked to describe how they’re feeling, they use words such as “bad” or “angry” or “frightened”—which would be okay if these were accurate descriptors, but often they’re not. Individuals say they’re angry when, in fact, they’re feeling a mix of embarrassment and surprise.
Or they suggest they’re unhappy when they’re f...
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How about you? When experiencing strong emotions, do you stop and think about your feelings? If so, do you use a rich vocabulary, or do you mostly draw from terms such as “bummed out” and “furious”? Second, do you talk openly with others about how you feel? Do you willingly talk with loved ones about what’s going on inside of you? Third, in so doing, is your vocabulary robust and accurate?
Analyze Your Stories Question your feelings and stories. Once you’ve identified what you’re feeling, you have to stop and ask, given the circumstances, is it the right feeling?
