Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High

by Kerry Patterson

Egypt, Hisham El Bakry

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What makes a conversation crucial?

The key to real change lies not in implementing a new process, but in getting people to hold one another accountable to the process. And that requires Crucial Conversations skills.

التغيير الحقيقي في البشر و سلوكهم مش في النظم و العمليات

“Work on me first, us second.”

Is there a way to tell your peer your real concerns and not insult or offend him?

come across as self-righteous or demanding? Is there a way to talk with your loved one about how you’re spending money and not get into an argument?

هل ممكن اقول اللي انا عايزاه و مضايقني من غير ما اجرح اللي باكلمه؟

WATCH FOR CONDITIONS In truth, most of us do have trouble dual-processing (simultaneously watching for content and conditions)—especially when both stakes and emotions are high.

That means you trusted his or her purposes so you were willing to listen to some pretty tough feedback.

لما الواحد يحس ان اللي بيكلمه مهتم فعلا بيه مش عامل نفسه مهتم، اي كلام هايقوله ممكن اقبله

Consequently, the first condition of safety is Mutual Purpose.

انك تلاقي هدف او غاية مشتركة مع اي حد قبل ما تبدأ تتكلم معاه، يبقى انت كدة عملت اول خطوة في انك تبني منطقة امان تقدروا تتكلموا فيها بصراحة و من غير خوف

Mutual Purpose means that others perceive that you’re working toward a common outcome in the conversation, that you care about their goals, interests, and values.

Find a shared goal, and you have both a good reason and a healthy climate for talking.

Here are two crucial questions to help us determine when Mutual Purpose is at risk: • Do others believe I care about their goals in this conversation? • Do they trust my motives?

لازم اسال نفسي بصراحة اللي باكلمه حاسس فعلا تني مهتمة و لا لأ

Mutual Purpose is not a technique. To succeed in crucial conversations, we must really care about the interests of others—not just our own.

الهدف المشترك مش حيلة استخدمها عشان اكسب بيها الجولة و خلاص لازم اكون فعلا مهتمة بمصالح اللي باكلمهم من القلب للقلب ببساطة

What do I want for me? • What do I want for others? • What do I want for the relationship?

أسأل نفسي ايه قبل اي حوار

Look for the mutuality.

Mutual Respect—the Continuance Condition

اول ما الاحترام يختفي من الحوار كل واحد هايتحول فجأة و هدفه هايبقى الدفاع عن كرامته مش مناقشة اي حاجة تانية

Can You Respect People You Don’t Respect?

حتى لو ناس انا فعلا مش باحترمهم لأنهم مختلفين في الأخلاق و الطباع و الأفكار، لو فكرت فيهم على ان كل بني آدم خطاء و ان انا كمان باغلط، هالاقي سبب لاحترامهم

disrespect often come when we dwell on how others are different from ourselves.

Without excusing others’ behavior, we try to sympathize, even empathize, with them.

When we recognize that we all have weaknesses, it’s easier to find a way to respect others.

so let’s get into three hard-hitting skills that the best at dialogue use:

Apologize • Contrast • Create a Mutual Purpose

Contrasting is a don’t/do statement that: • Addresses others’ concerns that you don’t respect them or that you have a malicious purpose (the don’t part).

What is contrasting

Once you’ve done this, and safety returns to the conversation, then you can explain what you do intend. Safety first.

Contrasting is not apologizing. It’s important to understand that Contrasting is not apologizing.

Contrasting provides context and proportion.

____________________________________________

I don't want to tell you what you should do with your life nor do I want to impose my opinion, I just want a place in the fridge to put my things.

____________________________________________

I don't want to blame or accuse you with anything, I just appreciate our friendship and do like you and thus feel obliged to talk with you about yesterday incident in the lunch break

____________________________________________

Dear I don't want to give you up or abandon you, I do love you and so much concerned about your online time and I am sure together we can set a suitable rule.

note that the four skills used in creating Mutual Purpose form the acronym CRIB.

Skills to create mutual purpose

Commit to Seek Mutual Purpose

Skill 1 to create mutual purpose

We Start with Heart by committing to stay in the conversation until we invent a solution that serves a purpose we both share.

مهم اننا في اي محادثة نتفق اننا نتفق مش نكون داخلين و بس اللي في دماغنا هو اللي عايزين نعمله “It seems like we’re both trying to force our view on each other. I commit to stay in this discussion until we have a solution that satisfies both of us.”

“It seems like we’re both trying to force our view on each other. I commit to stay in this discussion until we have a solution that satisfies both of us.”

Recognize the Purpose Behind the Strategy

Skill 2 to create mutual purpose لما اطلب حاجة بهدف اني احقق رغبة عندي و الاقي الطرف التاني بيطلب حاجة تانية و يبدا الصراع، لازم ابدا اسال: انت عايز كذا ليه؟ طيب و انا عايزة كذا ليه؟ ساعتها ممكن نلاقي طرق مختلفة نحقق بيها احتياجاتنا غير اللي كنت باطلبه اصلا

Here’s the problem we have to fix: When we find ourselves at an impasse, it’s because we’re asking for one thing and the other person is asking for something else.

When you do separate strategies from purpose, new options become possible.

Invent a Mutual Purpose

Skill 3 of creating mutual purpose مش كل المواقف ممكن تبقى سهل الوصول لتسوية مرضية او اننا نلاقي غاية مشتركة نشتغل عليها في الحالات دي هانخترع هدف مشترك يعني انا عايزة اسافر اشتغل و اكسب و جوزي مش عايز يسافر ساعتها نخترع هدف اكبر نتفق عليه زي ان مثلا حياتنا مع بعض اهم من الشغل و الفلوس

To invent a Mutual Purpose, move to more encompassing goals. Find an objective that is more meaningful or more rewarding than the ones that divide the various sides.

Brainstorm New Strategies

Skill 4 to find mutual purpose

When you are at cross-purposes, use four skills to get back to Mutual Purpose: • Commit to seek Mutual Purpose. • Recognize the purpose behind the strategy. • Invent a Mutual Purpose. • Brainstorm new strategies.

others don’t make you mad. You make you mad.

You and

only you create your ...

The worst at dialogue fall hostage to their

emotions, and they don’t even know it.

Just after we observe what others do and just before we feel some emotion about it, we

tell ourselves a story.

When we believe we’re at risk, we tell ourselves a story so quickly that we don’t even know we’re doing it.

If we take control of our stories, they won’t control us.

Here’s how to retrace your path: