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On the other hand, when you watch people who are skilled in dialogue, it becomes clear that they’re not playing this everyday game of Trivial Pursuit—looking for trivial differences and then proclaiming them aloud. In fact, they’re looking for points of agreement. As a result, they’ll often start with the words “I agree.” Then they talk about the part they agree with. At least, that’s where they start.
In summary, to help remember these skills, think of your ABCs. Agree when you agree. Build when others leave out key pieces. Compare when you differ.
In fact, when people move from adding meaning to the pool to moving to action, it’s a prime time for new challenges to arise.
The two riskiest times in crucial conversations tend to be at the beginning and at the end. The beginning is risky because you have to find a way to create safety or else things go awry. The end is dicey because if you aren’t careful about how you clarify the conclusion and decisions flowing from your Pool of Shared Meaning, you can run into violated expectations later on.
Don’t allow people to assume that dialogue is decision making.
Make it clear how decisions will be made—who will be involved and why.
Managers and parents, for example, decide how to decide. It’s part of their responsibility as leaders.
The Four Methods of Decision Making
There are four common ways of making decisions: command, consult, vote, and consensus.
Increased involvement, of course, brings the benefit of increased commitment along with the curse of decreased decision-making efficiency.
In strong teams and great relationships, many decisions are made by
turning the final choice over to someone we trust to make a good decision. We don’t want to take the time ourselves and gladly turn the decision over to others.
When facing several decent options, voting is a great time saver but should never be used when team members don’t agree to support whatever decision is made. In these cases, consensus is required.
This method can be both a great blessing and a frustrating curse. Consensus means you talk until everyone honestly agrees to one decision. This method can produce tremendous unity and high-quality decisions. If misapplied, it can also be a horrible waste of time. It should only be used with (1) high-stakes and complex issues or (2) issues where everyone absolutely must support the final choice.
Who cares? Determine who genuinely wants to be involved in the decision along with those who will be affected.
Who knows? Identify who has the expertise you need to make the best decision.
Who must agree? Think of those whose cooperation you might need in the form of authority or influence in any decisions you might make.
How many people is it worth involving? Your goal should be to involve the fewest number of people
How about you? Here’s a suggestion for a great exercise for teams or couples, particularly those that are frustrated about decision making. Make a list of some of the important decisions made in the team or relationship. Then discuss how each decision is currently made, and how each should be made—using the four important questions.
Team decision making exercise.
Who? • Does what? • By when? • How will you follow up?
Assign a name to every responsibility.
The clearer the picture of the deliverable, the less likely you’ll be unpleasantly surprised.
Assignments without deadlines are far better at producing guilt than
stimulating action.
Remember, if you want people to feel accountable, you must give them an opportunity to account. Build an expectation for follow-up into every assignment.
As you review what was supposed to be completed, hold people accountable. When someone fails to deliver on a promise, it’s time for dialogue. Discuss the issue by using the STATE skills we covered in Chapter 7. By holding people accountable, not only do you increase their motivation and ability to deliver on promises, but you create a culture of integrity.
Turn your successful crucial conversations into great decisions and united action by avoiding the two traps of violated expectations and inaction.
If you can be respectful and private but firm in this conversation, most problem behavior will stop.
When something bothers you, catch it early. Contrasting can also help. “I’m not trying to blow this out of proportion. I just want to deal with it before it gets out of hand.” Describe the specific behaviors you’ve observed.
When spouses stop giving each other helpful feedback, they lose out on the help of a lifelong confidant and coach. They miss out on hundreds of opportunities to help each other communicate more effectively.
In the best teams, every team member is part of the system of accountability. If team members see others violate a team agreement, they speak up immediately and directly. It’s dangerous to wait for or expect the boss to do what good teammates should do themselves.
Trust doesn’t have to be universally offered. In truth, it’s usually offered in degrees and is very topic specific. It also comes in two flavors—motive and ability. For example, you can trust me to administer CPR if needed; I’m motivated. But you can’t trust me to do a good job; I know nothing about it.
Deal with trust around the issue, not around the person.
Also, don’t use your mistrust as a club to punish people. If they’ve earned your mistrust in one area, don’t let it bleed over into your overall perception of their character.
Work on me first. Your spouse may have an aversion to all crucial conversations, even when talking to a skilled person. Nevertheless, you’re still the only person you can work on.
Separate intent from outcome. “I’m pretty sure you’re not intending to. . .”
Coming to mutual agreement to take a time-out is not the same thing as going to silence. In fact, it’s a very healthy example of dialogue.
Show zero tolerance for insubordination. Speak up immediately, but respectfully. Change topics from the issue at hand to how the person is currently acting. Catch the escalating disrespect before it turns into abuse and insubordination.
Stories left unattended don’t get better with time—they ferment. Then, when we eventually can’t take it anymore, we say something we regret.
Use Contrasting. Explain that you don’t want to hurt the person’s feelings, but you do want to share something that could be helpful. Establish Mutual Purpose. Let the other person know your intentions are honorable. Also explain that you’re reluctant to bring up the issue because of its personal nature, but since the problem is interfering with the person’s effectiveness, you really must. Tentatively describe the problem. Don’t play it up or pile it on. Describe the specific behaviors and then move to solutions. Although these discussions are never easy, they certainly don’t have to be
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how to share with someone about a hygiene problem.
Make it perfectly clear that once you’ve given an assignment, there are only two acceptable paths. Employees need to complete the assignment as planned, or if they run into a problem, they need to immediately inform you. No surprises. Similarly, if they decide that another job needs to be done instead, they call you. No surprises.
The first lever for positive change is Learn to Look. That is, people who improve their dialogue skills continually ask themselves whether they’re in or out of dialogue.
So remember to ask the following important question: “Are we playing games or are we in dialogue?” It’s a wonderful start.
“I think we’ve moved away from dialogue.” This simple reminder helps people catch themselves early on, before the damage is severe.
The second lever is Make It Safe. We’ve suggested that dialogue consists of the free flow of meaning and that the number one flow stopper is a lack of safety. When you notice that you and others have moved away from dialogue, do something to make it safer.
If you simply realize that your challenge is to make it safer, nine out of ten times you’ll intuitively do something that helps.
Our emotions are incredibly plastic. In crucial moments they are almost always wrong. With practice, we can gain incredible power to change them. And as we change them, not only do we learn to change how we see those around us, but we learn to change our very lives as well.
