Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High

by Kerry Patterson

Crucial Conversation kr shel kän´vŭr sa´ shen) n A discussion between two or more people where (1) stakes are high, (2) opinions vary, and (3) emotions run strong.

We can avoid them. • We can face them and handle them poorly. • We can face them and handle them well.

When conversations matter the most—that is, when conversations move from casual to crucial—we’re generally on our worst behavior. Why is that? We’re designed wrong. When conversations turn from routine to crucial, we’re often in trouble. That’s because emotions don’t exactly prepare us to converse effectively. Countless generations of genetic shaping drive humans to handle crucial conversations with flying fists and fleet feet, not intelligent persuasion and gentle attentiveness.

We’re under pressure. Let’s add another factor. Crucial conversations are frequently spontaneous.

What do you have to work with? The issue at hand, the other person, and a brain that’s drunk on adrenaline and almost incapable of rational thought.

You feel prepared, and you’re as cool as a cucumber. Will you succeed? Not necessarily. You can still screw up, because practice doesn’t make perfect; perfect practice makes perfect.

Left with no healthy models, you’re now more or less stumped. So what do you do? You do what most people do. You wing it.

Actually, the effects of conversations gone bad can be both devastating and far reaching. Our research has shown that strong relationships, careers, organizations, and communities all draw from the same source of power—the ability to talk openly about high-stakes, emotional, controversial topics.

The Law of Crucial Conversations

At the heart of almost all chronic problems in our organizations, our teams, and our relationships lie crucial conversations—ones that we’re either not holding or not holding well.

the key skill of effective leaders, teammates, parents, and loved ones is the capacity to skillfully address emotionally and politically risky issues. Period.

the key skill of effective leaders. wow!

Could the ability to master crucial conversations help your career? Absolutely.

individuals who are the most influential—who can get things done and at the same time build on relationships—are those who master their crucial conversations.

get things done + build relationships = mastery of crucial conversations.

As it turns out, you don’t have to choose between being honest and being effective. You don’t have to choose between candor and your career.

We found that more often than not, the world changes when people have to deal with a very risky issue and either do it poorly or do it well.

The real problem is that those who observe deviations or infractions say nothing. Across the world we’ve found that the odds of a nurse speaking up in this crucial moment are less than one in twelve.

The predictor of success or failure was whether people could hold five specific crucial conversations.

The key to real change lies not in implementing a new process, but in getting people to hold one another accountable to the process. And that requires Crucial Conversations skills.

In the best companies, everyone holds everyone else accountable—regardless of level or position.

The path to high productivity passes not through a static system, but through face-to-face conversations.

In truth, everyone argues about important issues. But not everyone splits up. It’s how you argue that matters.

Just a modest improvement in the ability to talk and connect with others corresponded to a two-thirds decrease in the death rate.

The longer answer suggests that the negative feelings we hold in, the emotional pain we suffer, and the constant battering we endure as we stumble our way through unhealthy conversations slowly eat away at our health.

We figured that if we could learn why certain people were more effective than others, then we could learn exactly what they did, clone it, and pass it on to others.

What typically set them apart from the rest of the pack was their ability to avoid what we came to call the Fool’s Choice.

The mistake most of us make in our crucial conversations is we believe that we have to choose between telling the truth and keeping a friend.

a false dichotomy. the "fool's choice."

“From this day forward, I will be alert for moments when I must choose between candor and kindness.”

When he took a breath and opened his mouth, his overriding question was, “How can I be 100 percent honest with Chris, and at the same time be 100 percent respectful?”

When it comes to risky, controversial, and emotional conversations, skilled people find a way to get all relevant information (from themselves and others) out into the open.

the bottom line: get all relevant information into the open.

At the core of every successful conversation lies the free flow of relevant information. People openly and honestly express their opinions, share their feelings, and articulate their theories. They willingly and capably share their views, even when their ideas are controversial or unpopular.

First, how does this free flow of meaning lead to success? Second, what can you do to encourage meaning to flow freely?

People who are skilled at dialogue do their best to make it safe for everyone to add their meaning to the shared pool—even ideas that at first glance appear controversial, wrong, or at odds with their own beliefs. Now, obviously, they don’t agree with every idea; they simply do their best to ensure that all ideas find their way into the open.

And even though many people may be involved in a choice, when people openly and freely share ideas, the increased time investment is more than offset by the quality of the decision.

In fact, why is it that nearly 200,000 hospital deaths in the United States each year stem from human error?

In every instance where bosses are smart, highly paid, confident, and outspoken (i.e., most of the world), people tend to hold back their opinions rather than risk angering someone in a position of power.

the problem.

The Pool of Shared Meaning is the birthplace of synergy.

Conversely, when people aren’t involved, when they sit back quietly during touchy conversations, they’re rarely committed to the final decision. Since their ideas remain in their heads and their opinions never make it into the pool, they end up quietly criticizing and passively resisting.

The time you spend up front establishing a shared pool of meaning is more than paid for by faster, more unified, and more committed action later on.

Now, don’t get us wrong. We’re not suggesting that every decision be made by consensus or that the boss shouldn’t take part in or even make the final choice. We’re simply suggesting that whatever the decision-making method, the greater the shared meaning in the pool, the better the choice, the more the unity, and the stronger the conviction—whoever makes the choice.

the greater the pool of shares meaninf the greater the unity and conviction behind the decisions.

Every time we find ourselves arguing, debating, running away, or otherwise acting in an ineffective way, it’s because we don’t know how to share meaning. Instead of engaging in healthy dialogue, we play silly and costly games.

When stakes are high, opinions vary, and emotions run strong, we’re often at our worst. In order to move to our best, we have to find a way to explain what is in each of our personal pools of meaning—especially our high-stakes, sensitive, and controversial opinions, feelings, and ideas—and to get others to share their pools.

We have to develop the tools that make it safe for us to discuss these issues and to come to a shared pool of meaning. And when we do, our lives change.

The skills required to master high-stakes interactions are quite easy to spot and moderately easy to learn.

you will learn how to create conditions in yourself and others that make dialogue the path of least resistance.

you will learn the key skills of talking, listening, and acting together.

you will master the tools for talking when stakes are high.

If you can’t get yourself right, you’ll have a hard time getting dialogue right.

And that’s the first problem we face in our crucial conversations. Our problem is not that our behavior degenerates. It’s that our motives do—a fact that we usually miss.

So the first step to achieving the results we really want is to fix the problem of believing that others are the source of all that ails us.

wow so true.

They believe the best way to work on “us” is to start with “me.”