Getting More: How You Can Negotiate to Succeed in Work and Life

by Stuart Diamond

Then he should write a letter to the dean of admissions and simply say, “Here’s your standard, here’s how I meet it; here’s your standard, here’s how I meet it; here’s your standard, here’s how I meet it.” At the end of the letter, I suggested he say, “Please tell me where I’m wrong here,” or something similar. All of which he did.

they are concerned that violating the standards they are supposed to follow will annoy or anger a third party important to them: their boss, for example,

Most people who are less skilled at negotiation ask others to take too big a step at once. They ask other people to make a big jump from where they are to where you want them to go. For example, “My computer is broken, give me a new one.”

Start with the pictures in their heads. That’s what a standard is—a picture in their heads.

Remember, “Every ceiling is a new floor.” Take the 1 percent cut in your credit card interest this month; renegotiate next month; $50 here and $75 there is a lot of cash at year’s end.

American Express had this slogan, ‘Membership has its privileges.’ But now I find that nonmembers have more privileges than members. So you must have changed your slogan to ‘American Express: Nonmembership has its privileges.’

any item we can’t solve in fifteen minutes, we go on to the next item. So at three o’clock in the morning, instead of being on item 4, we are on item 30, with four to go. Then we go back and solve the hard ones. This is called a “process” standard, or a standard to govern the process that people will use to negotiate.

In negotiating, start with the easy things. It gives both parties a sense of accomplishment. An easy thing is “When is the next meeting?”

I was about to get angry at the Amex customer service rep, since I was a longtime Amex customer. Then I stopped myself and thought about her day. “I’ll bet people scream at you all day long,” I said to her on the phone. “They do,” she said. “I’ll bet a lot of people threaten to cancel their card when they don’t get their miles,” I said. “Absolutely,” she said. “What do you do in such a case?” I said. “Well,” she said, “I just transfer them to the card cancellation department. I don’t have to take that garbage.” “Do you ever restore people’s miles when they have been late paying their bill?” I asked. “Sure,” she said. “When?” I asked. She said, “When they apologize, when they thank me, when they promise never to do it again, and when they are nice to me.” I said, “You know, I really apologize for being late on my account. I’d really thank you if you could restore the miles for me. I promise never to do it again. And I think you are a really nice person.” She laughed and said, “The miles are already back in your account.”

Travolta tells Hackman that when he negotiates, he should open the blinds to make sure that the other party sits with the sun in his eyes and therefore gets distracted.

This is one of the few tools against which there is no defense. For example, say in a very sweet voice, “Why are you swearing at me? I would never curse at you. Why, we respect you.” You want to put all the focus on them.

Naming bad behavior without making yourself the issue is so powerful because it turns the other party’s entire being against them—all the focus is on them.

First, compliment them. “That’s excellent!” you should say, without sarcasm.

When people don’t return phone calls or emails, try not to get upset. Just keep a list of the dates and times of your calls. When you get enough of a record, email them, saying, “Gee, we called you fourteen times in the past two weeks; we were hoping to reach you. Is there something else we can do?”

asked for the manager. “Is it your usual policy to quote four times the price of a product to a customer?” Ben said. The manager said no, criticized the salesman, sold the product for $50,

Don’t let them get to you so you become emotional and make a mistake; focus on your goals.

First you have to find the pictures in their heads. Then you have to find the pictures in yours. You find out which ones don’t cost one side much but are valuable to the other side. Then you trade them.

The CEO of a major company in Philadelphia once said that the most important thing he ever did for his most important business client in a twenty-year business relationship was to pick up the client CEO’s mother-in-law at the Philadelphia airport one Saturday night.

If you know that the other party likes travel, you can use it in a conversation to break the ice or offer them something you know about the subject.

you might find that what he really often wants are intangibles. He wants respect; he wants to keep the brand name; he wants to have his picture prominently displayed in the lobby of the building;

If you know the other person’s needs or interests (broadly), you can also deal more effectively with hard bargainers.

Counterparts in negotiations have said to me things like, “I want $100,000!” To which I have replied, “Why not $200,000? Why not $300,000?”

Even in the most hostile situation, you can try to expand the pie. And you will be able to do it at least some of the time. In other words, you’ll get more. If the other person says, “I’m going to wreck your business,” your next comment should be, “Okay, but can we make more money in some other way?” Such a response seems counterintuitive, but it works.

“You don’t know the laws in Puerto Rico!” he fumed on the phone. “I’m an attorney! You can’t do this!” “Oh,” I said calmly. “You’re an attorney. That’s great. I am, too. Where did you go to law school?”

It doesn’t take a lot of time to figure out opportunities hiding inside problems. You just have to look for the opportunities. Instead of thinking that a problem is a drag to deal with, think of a problem as an opportunity waiting to be recognized and developed.

Every time you have a problem with another party, think: How can you make money from this problem?

What was most interesting about this is that none of it is rocket science. It just involves asking people about their needs and goals, finding out the intangibles that matter to them, and focusing on

I searched for who he was, what his interests were, how he spent his time, what kind of person he was: I was looking for a point of connection.

Understand who the other person is, understand his concerns and perceptions, his needs and intangibles.

So I let every nurse, nurse’s aide, and nurse practitioner who happened to come into my room know that I taught negotiation—and that I was available for free, 24/7 consultation on how to get a better job at the hospital, how to get a raise at the hospital, and in fact any subject on which they wished negotiation advice.

So Lisa walked over to her daughter and touched her gently on the arm. “Does Mommy love you?” Lisa asked.“Yes,” her daughter sniffled, calming down. “Would Mommy do anything to hurt you?” her mother asked. “No,” her daughter said. “When we get to be big people, do we have to do things sometimes that we don’t like to do?” her mother asked. “Yes,”Aubree said.

Emotion is the enemy of effective negotiations and of effective negotiators. People who are emotional stop listening. They often become unpredictable and rarely are able to focus on their goals.

emotion is about you, empathy is about the other party. Empathy is highly effective. Emotion is not.

Here are some of the things that cause emotions in a negotiation: • Lies, misrepresentations, blaming, insults, false accusations. • Threats, unfairness, causing loss of face, undermining the other party. • Greed, self-centeredness, breaking commitments. • Not reciprocating goodwill (no thank-you for gifts), missing appointments and meetings. • Lack of preparation, inconsistency. • Loss of control personally and/or professionally. • Dashed expectations, high stakes.

When people get emotional, here is what happens. Instead of focusing on goals, interests, and needs and effectively communicating, emotional people focus on punishment, revenge, and retaliation. Deals fail, goals are unmet,

Some people point out times when they have used emotions as negotiation tools and they have worked. The problem is that they are risky and unpredictable in terms of the results, and cynical and untrustworthy in terms of attitude. They destroy relationships. Demands to “take it or leave it” increase rejection rates, studies show. People perceive them as unfair and will sometimes reject good deals out of spite. Only half as many offers are accepted when negative emotion is used.

Try to conduct negotiations that are calm and stable. Warm feelings, perhaps, but laced with solid judgment. The emotional temperature needs to come down if you want to meet your goals and solve thorny problems.

Another problem with using emotion on purpose is that the more you use it, the less effective it becomes. If you raise your voice or shout once a year, it can be very effective. If you do it once a month, you become known as “the screamer,” and you lose credibility.

“If you don’t lower your price, I’m going to someone else!” Often the other person will become emotional and respond with something like, “Go jump in the lake!” Although it would be better for them to lower their prices and keep you as a customer, you made them react emotionally by flexing your power with them.

“I really like you guys, I’ve been buying from you for some time. But now some of your competitors are offering us more value. We’d like to stay with you. What should we do?”

Remember that great expression “Revenge is a dish best served cold.” When everyone else around you is angry, it doesn’t help to join them. Don’t let your emotions match theirs.

Getting mad at someone destroys your goals. It’s like saying, “I’m mad at you, I think I’ll kill myself.” Don’t let the other side cause you to hurt yourself.

So empathize with them. Try to understand the cause of their emotion. It doesn’t work to simply tell them, “Be rational” or “Be logical.”

Anything that values their emotions through some demonstration by you is an emotional payment. It could be a compliment. It could be a touch on the arm. It could be just listening.

‘You probably didn’t see me patiently waiting for the space. But I’ve been here for a long time. Would you allow me to have the space?’ ” He gestured to his wife. “I was hoping not to look bad in front of my wife,” he said. “It’s up to you. But I appreciate anything you might do.” The two guys looked at each other and then at this guy. Clearly, he wasn’t a threat. He accused them of nothing. Moreover, he gave them a chance to be magnanimous.

Be careful of being too aggressive in naming bad behavior, as noted earlier.

Lunch at a fancy restaurant. This is supposed to soften up the other side and make them indebted to you.

If none of these work, try to remove yourself from the situation. Don’t be a punching bag. They are trying to hurt you and don’t care about you. Manipulative tactics run the risk of creating instability.

Studies have shown that the more powerful people are in a negotiation, the less attention they pay to the other side’s needs. And that means the less successful they will be at expanding the pie. It’s ironic. Most companies pick the most senior person to negotiate, when some of the most junior members might be better.

The more aggressive you are, the more you try to meet your own goals at the expense of others’—and you will get less in a negotiation. That’s because other people sense that you don’t care about them.