Getting More: How You Can Negotiate to Succeed in Work and Life

by Stuart Diamond

First, be dispassionate; emotion destroys negotiations. You must force yourself to be calm. Second, prepare, even for five seconds. Collect your thoughts. Third, find the decision-maker. Here, it was the pilot. There was not a second to waste on the gate agent, who was not about to change company policy. Fourth, focus on your goals, not on who is right.

Fifth, make human contact. People are almost everything in a negotiation. And finally, acknowledge the other party’s position and power, valuing them. If you do, they will often use their authority to help you achieve your goals.

I tell them to use the strategies the same day, write them down in their journals, practice them, and use them again.

Like Ben Friedman, who almost always asks the companies whose services he uses if new customers are treated better than existing, loyal customers like himself—for example, with discounts or other promotions.

You can’t persuade people of anything unless you know the pictures in their heads: their perceptions, sensibilities, needs, how they make commitments, whether they are trustworthy. Find out what third parties they respect and who can help you.

When people are irrational, they are emotional. When they are emotional, they can’t listen. When they can’t listen, they can’t be persuaded.

People often fail because they ask for too much all at once. They take steps that are too big. This scares people, makes the negotiation seem riskier, and magnifies differences. Take small steps, whether you are trying for raises or treaties.

This is one of the biggest differences between Getting More and the conventional wisdom. Don’t deceive people. They will find out and the long-term payoff is poor. Be yourself. Stop trying to be tougher, nicer, or something you’re not. People can detect fakers. Being real is highly credible, and credibility is your biggest asset.

If you’re in a bad mood or too aggressive, or don’t know something, say so. It will help take the issue away.

Don’t walk away from a negotiation unless all parties agree to take a break—or unless you want to end the negotiation. Not communicating means not getting information.

The best negotiators state the obvious. They will say, “We don’t seem to be getting along.” Package what’s going on in a few words to give them a vision of where you want them to go: “Is it your goal to make your customers happy?”

Asking a few more questions about differences will produce more trust and better agreements.

Two things are evident about these strategies and many of the tools presented here. First, they are not rocket science. Second, unless you already know what they are, they are invisible, buried in ordinary language.

My most common opening in a negotiation is “What’s going on?” Seems like an ordinary question.

Common enemies bring parties closer together and make the negotiation easier. That’s why people complain about the weather;

People ask if you can hurt people with these tools. The answer is yes. Inherently, they are morally neutral: they can be used for good or ill, like science or kitchen knives.

First, done right, there is no difference between “negotiation,” “persuasion,” “communication,” or “selling.” They all should have the same process. That is, they should start with goals, focus on people, and be situational.

The main problem with force is not that it doesn’t work. With $20 trillion, the United States can probably do whatever it wants in the Middle East for the foreseeable future. With virtually unlimited resources, the United States could probably do whatever it wanted in Afghanistan or anywhere else. The problem is that force is very expensive, is not reinforcing, and as such takes a long time, if not forever, for continued compliance.

When the other party realizes you care about their feelings, they will listen more, making them more persuadable.

“Before we sit down to formally talk about the issues, how do you guys feel? Are you happy? What is your favorite food? How’s your family?”

How many times have you gone to a meeting and said to the people there, “What do you want at the end of this meeting that you don’t have now?” If you haven’t done this before, try it.

Here’s a new definition of competitiveness: your ability to meet your goals.

If you are in a lousy mood, it’s not the right time to negotiate. Even if you are the company expert, you may not be the right person to negotiate if you can’t connect with the other party.

The most important asset you have in any human interaction is your credibility. If people don’t believe you, it’s hard to convince them of anything. Your credibility is more important than your expertise, connections, intelligence, assets, and looks.

People appreciate it when others are straight with them, no matter what “straight” is.

This means, if you are very aggressive, warn people in the beginning. “If I get too aggressive, let me know.” What does this do? First, it takes away the issue by resetting expectations. Second, it makes you more real; it increases your credibility. Third, it eliminates the need for you to do any sort of dance,

When I go to another country and don’t know the culture well, I will often apologize in advance. I will tell the other person, “I might accidentally say something inappropriate. I wish I knew your culture better. Every time I make a mistake, could you please advise me?” I’ve now turned every instance of potential conflict into an instance of collaboration,

If you are in a bad mood, tell the other side, “I’m in a bad mood.” It will cause them to forgive some things they might not otherwise.

Most negotiators think they should be anything but transparent. However, the result is a lack of trust. This doesn’t mean you have to disclose everything. It does mean you should disclose as much as you can to meet your goals and make the other side comfortable. For the rest you can say, “I’m just not comfortable telling you this yet.”

In our imaginations, big, bold moves produce big successes. In the real world, big, bold moves mostly scare people away: you are trying to go too far, too fast. Small, incremental steps accomplish more. This is especially true if two parties are far apart in a negotiation.

Incremental steps give other people a chance to catch their breath, look around, decide if the steps you’ve taken feel good, and then move on with confidence.

Your proposal is digestible. You can always ask for more the next time. I tell my students, “Every ceiling is a new floor.”

The title of this book is Getting More, not Getting Everything. No negotiation tools and strategies work all the time. But they work more often than if you don’t use them! This is not intended to make you perfect. It is intended to make you better, every day.

Start with the easy things in a negotiation, and scale up from there.

Anyone who tells you that this or that strategy always works is blowing smoke at you. Again, all you’re looking for is that one extra hit every nine games.

Here is my entire negotiation course in three broad questions. 1. What are my goals? 2. Who are “they”? 3. What will it take to persuade them?

People hate it when others try to exert power over them. They then try to undermine you and change the power balance.

Ask the manager or the personal shopper what the store does for loyal customers.

I used to practice on practically every situation imaginable. My friends would make fun of me. They stopped making fun of me when they needed help and I did things they could not.

Different strategies and tools work better in different situations.

negotiation is over when you say it is, not before. It doesn’t matter how many times the other person says no, or disagrees with you, or gives you a hard time. Keep asking, stay focused on your goals (without making yourself the issue).

He wanted Delta to remove the $150 change fee. He called thirteen times. Delta’s answers: no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, yes. It took ninety minutes, but he got the $150 fee waived. “Be polite,

Remember, you are the least important person in the negotiation. The most important person is them. And the second most important person is a third party important to the negotiators. If you don’t accept this, you won’t persuade many people of anything.

Most people think that the negotiation is about substance: I’m a financial expert, I’m a medical doctor, I’m an environmental lawyer, I’m an energy expert, I’m a mechanic. But studies show that less than 10 percent of the reason why people reach agreement

More than 50 percent has to do with the people—do they like each other, do they trust each other,

First, the jury didn’t like the prosecutor. Moreover, the jury didn’t trust the prosecutor. And if the other side doesn’t like you, and they don’t trust you, they won’t hear you.

Why did George W. Bush win the U.S. presidential election in 2004? I think it’s because he said, “Even when we don’t agree, at least you know what I believe and where I stand.” A highly credible statement.

If you like someone, you will be more likely believe what he or she says, even if the statement is false. If you dislike someone, you are less likely to believe what he or she says, even if the statement is true.

people are almost six times as likely to help you if you treat them as individuals. The numbers are staggering: 90 percent versus 16 percent willing to help.

Blaming them will just bring you further from your goals. Being nice to them will bring you closer to your goals.