Getting More: How You Can Negotiate to Succeed in Work and Life

by Stuart Diamond

Most people will just complain and think of themselves, not the other person.

Focusing on the people also means that when you are negotiating with representatives of a group, you should be focusing on the individuals in the group. Not the company or the culture, not their gender, race, or religion.

The next time a police officer stops you for a traffic infraction, apologize and thank the officer for doing his or her job.

So how do you find out about other people? You make small talk. Not just because you read somewhere that it’s smart to make small talk. You do it because you are interested in them. Because you want to try for a point of connection with other people. It’s a way of approaching life.

It was taking a long time for one of my students and her friends to get their dinner. So she called the waitress over and thanked her for her efforts, valuing her. The student said she realized the waitress was new and very busy. Could she bring an appetizer while they were waiting?

“Finding a common bond with other people pays huge dividends,”

Making a personal connection means you have to focus on other people, not just yourself, bringing them into a conversation with you.

By valuing others, you are also acknowledging their power. This includes not just the CEO.

They will want to give you something in return. Even if they have little power, giving them power by acknowledging what they have control over will lead them to give you something back.

the person with direct influence over the decision-maker. How many of you have wasted hours of your lives negotiating with the wrong person? Everyone. When you call someone up, you should know if the person can help. “Hello, do you have the power to do x?” Life is short.

who is the right negotiator? It may not be the most skilled or senior person. Indeed, studies have shown that the more powerful people are, the less attention they pay to the other side’s needs. That means the less successful they will be at expanding the pie.

Clearly, trust is a major people issue. The benefits of trust are huge: faster deals, more deals, bigger results. Not having it is costly.

Trust is a feeling of security that the other person will protect you. With some trust, another person will help you until it’s too risky for them or a better opportunity comes along.

If you are unsure of the relationship, don’t trust the other person. Don’t make yourself vulnerable to them. The right response to an untrustworthy person is not to be untrustworthy back. Why destroy your credibility just because they have destroyed theirs?

“How is leaving money on the table consistent with my responsibility to zealously represent my client?” My answer would be, “Over what time frame? If you take everything today and they won’t deal with you again, have you really gotten your client the most that was available to you over all relevant time frames?”

If you were to ask many international financiers about Russia, the first association that would come to mind is “cheating.” Even if it’s a minority of people involved, it’s expensive.

That doesn’t mean you have to tell the other person everything. As noted in Chapter 1, tell them you’re not ready to disclose some things “at this point.” If the relationship develops, you can disclose more.

If they have a lot more information than you do, you are vulnerable. Be incremental and don’t make commitments until you have more information or a lot of trust.

Collect lots of information (“due diligence”) on them. Ask them for details. See if all the information matches up. Check and test everything. Use trusted third parties to help.

Do they evade your questions or change the subject? The more secretive they are, the more risk there is t...

Meet in person; it’s harder to hide things. In some cultures, many parties will not negotiate except in person, where the parties can observe each other.

If you feel uncomfortable that something has been left unsaid, ask them, “Is there anything else I should know?” Trust your instincts.

The cost of cheating is loss of trust. The cost of loss of trust is actual dollars, reputation, credibility, and your effectiveness as a negotiator.

to persuade people with different perceptions, you must start with their perceptions, not your “facts.” This is very counterintuitive for a lot of people. So if you don’t say to your dad, “Dad, tell me why you like smoking,” the conversation about his quitting is not happening. He’s not even listening to you until you start where he is.

When you ask someone for their perceptions first, you value them, so they are then much more interested in listening to what you have to say.

One good way to find out the other person or party’s perceptions is to ask questions. In a negotiation, questions are far more powerful than statements. A statement commits you to whatever you said; it doesn’t get you any information, and it gives the other side something to throw things at. You become the target. A question, on the other hand, doesn’t commit you, usually gets you information, and gives you something to throw things at if you wish. Questions focus the other side on themselves.

Try turning your statements into questions. Instead of saying, “This isn’t fair!” try saying, “Do you think this is fair?” Instead of saying to your son, “Clean your room!” try saying, “Could you tell me why your room isn’t clean?” Now, you might not like the answer.

the negotiation isn’t over with the answer to your question. It isn’t over until you decide it is.

Here are the basic components of effective communication: (1) always communicate, (2) listen and ask questions, (3) value, don’t blame them, (4) summarize often, (5) do role reversal, (6) be dispassionate, (7) articulate goals, (8) be firm without damaging the relationship, (9) look for small signals, (10) discuss perceptual differences, (11) find out how they make commitments, (12) consult before deciding, (13) focus on what you can control, and (14) avoid debating who is right.

Talking is a sign of strength. Not talking is a sign of weakness. Yet that is exactly the opposite of conventional wisdom.

In order to persuade them, you need to listen to what they are saying, verbally and nonverbally. The more you try to blame them, the less they will listen. The more you value them, the more they will listen.

If the other party insults and threatens you, the correct response is, “Tell me more.” The more you know about a person, the better you can see how they think, the better you will be able to visualize the pictures in their heads. And the better negotiator you will be.

If people think they are being manipulated by false flattery, then emotion, instability, and danger result,

The Citibank customer service rep would not budge. “So,” Lori said, “you’re telling me that I should transfer my balance from your card with its 17.9 percent APR to the other bank offering me 11.6?”

Why is it the right answer? First, you get information for that negotiation, or the next negotiation. The best negotiators are dispassionate, and continue to ask for information.

Goal-setting is not just something that is done at the beginning of a negotiation—you need to check on your goals frequently. Are you all still on the same page? Have new events or information caused you to rethink your goals?

Negotiation is very sensitive to the exact words—and tone—used.

You can be firm without putting people off, as in “I really need to have this, and here’s why.” Sarcasm may feel good at the moment, but is often ineffective in a negotiation. You may see successful negotiations in which sarcasm is used. These people are successful in spite of their sarcasm, not because of it.

How good is email as a communication device? “Terrible,” most people say. One reason is that email has no tone. It’s sort of like tofu—it

If you have to use email to communicate, what can you do to minimize problems? Here are some suggestions: • Add tone back in. Start with “Please hear this email as…” And then insert words like “friendly,” “constructively critical,” “sad,” “frustrated,” etc. This increases the chance that the recipient will read the email in the tone that you intended. At the least, it will soften negative reactions.

Never send an email based on your first reaction to one you’ve received. Most people know to avoid this, but too few people do it.

Mention something relevant to them first in the email—the equivalent of small talk. “Hope you’ve recovered from your cold.” “Heard you had a lot of snow.” It tends to make you more of a person,

Try never to send an email if you are upset or angry. You will say things you didn’t mean to say. Write the email if you wish, store it as a draft, and reread it later.

Try to keep your emails short. Emails are not the best place to make complex proposals that take a lot of time to review.

If you are writing a particularly sensitive email, have a colleague or friend review

Humor is effective if they view humor the same way.

If the other person says, “I can’t possibly do that for you at this time,” you should ask, “When can you do it?” or “Who else can?” If they say, “This is our standard contract,” you should ask, “Have you ever made an exception?” If they say, “We never negotiate on price,” you should ask, “Well, what do you negotiate on?”

WHO’S RIGHT IS POINTLESS IN NEGOTIATION Assigning blame and punishment is a natural human reaction. Yet it is very difficult, psychologically, for the other person to agree to be punished. And it’s hard to admit you are wrong;

It is better to ask negotiation questions: What do we do now and how do we prevent this from happening again?

Using the other person’s standards is one of the great negotiation tools that most people don’t know about.