Getting More: How You Can Negotiate to Succeed in Work and Life

by Stuart Diamond

Don’t sign anything immediately unless the package is clearly substantial. Tell them you want a day or two to collect your thoughts.

Look for third parties in the company (or outside) who know the management and can put in a good word for you. It can make a significant difference in the employer’s generosity.

“We hardly ever discount merchandise,” he said. The student heard the words “hardly ever” and realized it was a signal that sometimes things were discounted. “I can’t afford the more expensive shoes,” the student said. “But I was wondering if I could buy them for a price that still left you a profit and helped you move them.”

The first out-of-class assignment I give students is to go out and get a discount. I don’t care if the discount is off a slice of pizza or a Tiffany necklace; I want my students to make an attempt to get more.

One key thing about this negotiation, as I mentioned in the standards chapter, is that you must never make yourself the issue. Just because the other side is a jerk doesn’t mean you should be a jerk.

whenever you ask for an exception, don’t ask in front of a lot of people. It just drives up the cost for the other side, and makes it harder for them to say yes.

“Does T-Mobile treat new customers better than existing customers? Haven’t we, as existing customers, spent a lot more money with T-Mobile?”

“I realized that she would do everything she could for me as long as I remained polite.”

By not making yourself the issue, you can ask companies hard questions about their service standards. But remember, ask: questions are more powerful than statements.

Keep asking questions until you find the real decision-maker: the person who can meet your goals.

Documentation is key to using standards in negotiation—either in writing or in descriptive detail. Ask for copies of things they claim; provide copies demonstrating proof of your request.

How do you make a connection with the other person? By asking questions and looking for signals.

Every time you buy something, make it a larger deal than just the transaction at hand. A repeat customer is a volume customer. You are buying multiple things at different times. Frame it as such.

Companies will give you discounts in return for longer-term contracts. Pursue this routinely.

Below is a list of things you can do. Do them all, every month, until you are satisfied.

Ask for the best rate they offer customers. When do they give that rate? What if you always pay on time? Not counting promotions, credit card interest varies from 4 percent to 23 percent for on-time payers, according to a 2010 study.

Call back and talk to someone else if the rep you speak to doesn’t offer you a lower rate.

“Can you help me remain a customer of BofA?”

Become familiar with “how to file a complaint against credit card companies” (or “credit reporting agencies”). Type these phrases or something similar into an Internet search engine.

Sometimes you will not know at the start of a negotiation which tool will work best: being persistent, being incremental, making a human connection, or invoking a standard.

Pamela documented that: date, time, message left, etc. She continued to log the company’s bad behavior while going up the chain of command at the bank. Within a few days, she got the extra thirty days back.

Clearly, emotion, the enemy of effective negotiations,

My advice in business relationships is to document everything. It sounds paranoid. But I have seen too many instances where people put their careers and their family’s security at risk in a business relationship only to fall victim to politics or someone else’s personal gain.

Take five or ten minutes every day to write down what you did to add value to the company. Record the details of anything someone did that concerns you.

Don’t just go on faith in a business. Ask yourself what’s in it for them. Ask yourself what each of you is giving up. Ask yourself if you are placing yourself in a vulnerable position.

everyone gets nervous, upset, panicky, angry, depressed or sad, and disappointed at some point. We all second-guess ourselves. Your job in a relationship is to help the other person get past it.

Emotional payments must be specifically tailored to the individuals involved and can include silence as well as talking.

And you MUST take their irrational words or mood at face value and start there. This is because people who need emotional payments are hardly listening.

A big part of negotiating in a successful relationship, and strengthening it, is to reduce your partner’s fears. To do that, you first have to know what their fears are.

Looking for solutions in an incremental way is important in all negotiations. But it is especially important in relationships. Trying to suggest too big a move can feel like a threat to many people.

the couple agreed to some ground rules in dealing with each other: (a) Tone is very important in a discussion like this. (b) We’re not going to solve every issue at once. (c) Everyone can’t get everything they want all the time. (d) The “I’m right, you’re wrong” syndrome doesn’t work very well in relationships. (e) Whatever our beliefs are, we each respect the other’s beliefs. Finally, (f) if tension develops, STOP! Take a break, come back to it later.

Valuing the other party causes them to be positive in return. One of the fastest and most powerful ways to bind people together in both new and existing relationships is by establishing common enemies. A common enemy puts the people in the relationship in the same foxhole together against some third party (an “enemy”).

People complain about the weather at the beginning of a conversation. Some people in a negotiation half-jokingly complain about “lawyers” or “bureaucracy.” Others yet complain about traffic delays or “miscommunication.” All are attempts to find a common enemy, to bring the two parties closer together.

The better you know the other person in a relationship, the more you will increase your chances of being persuasive. This is often said and too rarely practiced. Knowing them helps you better figure out how to meet their needs.

The point: don’t assume you know what the other person is thinking. Ask more questions. You might be very surprised by the answers.

Although standards are best in hard-bargainer situations, they can also be useful in relationships. Be careful how you use them, as they can be perceived as aggressive.

If your mother screams and hollers, try offering her an emotional payment. Talk to her about common enemies—it’s you and me versus the wedding industry, Mom.

Conducting a negotiation in person is always best in a relationship. The more difficult or emotionally fraught the subject, the more important it is for it to be discussed in person. It’s always surprising when students ask in emails for big exceptions to things, in work or recreation. Exceptions require a special favor, so the ability to have human contact to engender empathy is usually essential.

Unless you are trying to hurt the other party or the relationship, you want the parties to be as comfortable as possible. People who are uncomfortable get cranky. And cranky is bad for negotiations.

Remember, every relationship in your life except in your family began as a transaction. The more you look for relationships, even in transactional situations, the more possibilities that at least some of them will turn into long-term relationships.

He went down to find the manager, and asked, “Is this one of the finest hotels in San Diego?” Of course the manager said yes. “Does this hotel pride itself on the highest level of service?” Of course the manager said yes. “Does this service include ants in the bathroom?”

When you use their standards, don’t make the other person so angry that they won’t do anything for you no matter what. And after you’ve used their standards to get what you want, you may have to focus on their needs to close the deal.

The more details you provide to the other party, the more real your problem seems, and the more they will want to help you.

Many students say that they have called up an airline representative who quotes them a price and makes a reservation for them under their name, or waives a fee, and the next day, no reservation is to be found, and the price has jumped. Or the fee waiver disappears. I say, “Who did you speak to?” The student says, “I don’t know.” Not very persuasive.

when you called back and were denied, you said: “Well, let’s see, I spoke to Tina in Tulsa yesterday, it was about three minutes after noon. Tina said I didn’t need a reservation number, that it would be under my name. She asked me to spell my name, t...

What incentive packages do they have? Are any upgrades available? Ask what they do for repeat customers.

People in customer service positions generally have a dreadful time. So lighten up with them. Give them something to smile about. They will be grateful and give you things in return. Think of the world from their viewpoint.

Most people don’t think about offering to send letters for an employee’s personnel file. But such letters can mean a lot to a sales clerk or customer rep. A candygram is an unexpected, nice way to thank an employee—completely discretionary. Candygrams are great for representatives in the travel industry, especially in a time of layoffs and economic trouble.

The more you put a positive attitude toward your problem, the more help you will get.

“Do we have to argue over two hundred miles on the last day of the year when I’m such a good customer?”