Paula’s Comments (group member since Oct 28, 2015)

Paula’s comments from the Science Fiction Microstory Contest group.

I just posted some (very)-capsule critiques of the first 24 or 25 stories. Andy Lake is right; this really makes one read the tales carefully so one is much more prepared to vote. I almost feel we should all have to do this before voting. --I know, nearly no one has time to do this for all the stories, and the voting's hardly important anyhow, but it's worth trying if you can make the time.--

I've nowhere near Andy's or Tom's capacity to write critiques of so many sorts and styles of works, but here are my "capsule critiques" of the first 24 or so stories. I hope they may be helful. I'll try to do the others, if time allows.
Jot, “Temporal Shift”—an excellent use of the “changing the past” motif. And having Mohamed appear as a little boy turns this fine concept also into a moving, caring tale.
Justin, “Infinity”—a strong and well-dramatized merging of biblical figures, space tragedy, and a human’s destiny. Fascinating.
Kalifer, “Belorko”— very well-paced satire—the ending’s as cautionary as not, but we’re laughing all the way.
EJ, “The Worst Time to Travel”—sweet and charming as I remember it from six years ago. Beautifully done story-telling.
Kelly, “Sky”---a touching, moving, bitter tragedy that still gives us a bit of hope in the end. Powerful.
J.F., “Clarence 1.0”—It’s hard for most authors to bring tears to readers’ eyes or smiles of joy to their faces, but J.F. does both in this superb tale.
Richard Bunning, “Versatile Sapiens”—a most grimly/humorously horror story, as we learn what these spider/insect businessfolk are trading.
Marianne, “Sighting”—an involving story with a half-alien reminiscent of the “changelings” of medieval lore . . . and of Terry Bisson’s “Macs”.
Tom Olbert, “Four to Doomsday”—action-packed and a terrifying parasitic entity, plus a taut-twisting ending
Tom Tinney, “Just Do It”—a memorable tale of a lone man’s cowardice, or courage, or is it cowardice? or both?, weighing his odds against his families’, on a generation ship.
Dean Hardage, “In Memory Yet Forgotten”—a terrifically moving, memorable, and quiet love story that enfolds the lovely life of humanity and an alien race, space and time.
Jon, “The Driver”—fine dialogue with a very human-acting android and the drunken woman who accidentally sets off a slave revolt
Greg, “Collider”—the tale of a man who must find his way back to his lost multiverse.
Sam, “Finding Miss Emiline”—the "primitive" AI, considered lesser in human culture, deeply remembers—and was remembered by—Miss Emiline at the last. A very moving tale with social and emotional resonances.
Jack, “Rearranging Worlds”—a parable of innocence and experience, hope and the habitual, and a beautifully bittersweet ending of what may be a child's/goddess’s earthly sojourn and the meaning her presence/being gave to an old man’s days
C., “The Negotiation”—a morality tale as a man tries to negotiate as comfortable an immortality as the life he has carved for himself on earth
Jeremy, “Apsis in Ephis with Samir”—lyrically written, this tale creates an entire world, its seasons, and its elebrations while illuminating the music, love, and range of emotions binding a man, a sentient piano, and a Cy. Beautifully conceived and written.
Paula, “Maya’s Garden”—a grappling with being and nothingness, I suppose. And on many levels. The use of the clichéd authorial line “It had all been a dream” is of course part of the self-referencing page.
Richard S. Levine, “Winner Take All”—fine narration and well-paced realism form a taut, lively account of a very high-tech boat race through Mars’s Valles Mareneris.
Andy Lake, “The Winter of Our Discontent”—a Chinese family rise through generations from the scarcity of the Cultural Revolution through entrepreneurship and increasing worldwide wealth to a point where scarcity, too, can be desired consumer goods. Beautifully developed in a mode far from Western plotting.
W.A., “Nin’s Glory”—in the dystopia of Glory, where nearly all persons are physically perfect, the deformed Nin functions as an unseen service mechanism--and then, one day, sees a perfect one who— Reminiscent in feeling to the famed "The Ones Who Walk Away from Omelas," this tale strikes heart and mind alike.
Dorthe, “In the Bleak Midwinter”—a powerful tale of harsh survival in a lightless environment and of unexpected hope.
Thomas Nevin Huber, “Love Told Twice”—a smoothly beautiful bar-setting love story with the twist ending and emotional force of remembered nostalgic noir classics.

I think you had it as "the 28th" on the other thread, though. Better check, lol.Jot wrote: "Wait, I thought it was just two extra days. That would be it to the end of the 27th. Need room for run-offs."

Good--I for one need the extension to the end of the 28th, Jot, and I bet nearly all of us do. Thank you.

Oops--I changed some names in my story yesterday for greater clarity. Otherwise, no change.
Could we have to january 28, Jot? I want to give all the stories the two read-throughs they all deserve, and probably other people need time to, too(?).

I'm waiting to post critiques, generally, until I've read everything through, but just want to say here, Davos, I didn't know your work before, but your story here is terrific. And I love what you do with time-segueing in two sentences near your story's end.

I'd rather think of this as our Grandest Stories Month or Grand Writers' Month. --As a representation of the many authors' contributions to what has developed on this site over these 5 years--in this contest you've made happen, Jot.
Just an opinion, but I'm really impressed by so many of these works.

So we have until (through?) the 26th this month to get a vote in?Jot wrote: "I'll add 1 extra day for the initial round of voting to give everyone a chance to read all of the stories."

Yay, and for TWO extra days of voting. AND for the requirement that anyone who votes must have read each of the stories (at least once) during this month. Seriously.

Well, I've actually started, read 3 this morning; we've a nice weekend for a good start. And maybe Jot could add a couple of days more for the reading and voting.

Where's J.J.'s?

FIS acronym!

Oh my yes--I loved that one, Dorthe.Dorthe wrote: "Jot, I have posted 'In the Bleak Midwinter'.

And thank you, Andy - that was indeed a good writing month :o)"

So I'm puzzled. Has everyone who was on this group (on LI, GR, or FB) been contacted and asked if they'd like to post in this "greatest hits" month? And have all posted stories been okayed to post by their authors? So some have declined?

Maya’s Garden
Copyright © 2018 by Paula Friedman. All rights reserved.
[previous version, "The Garden" won sf microstories contest in June 2016 or June 2017]

“Te gusta, esta jardine?” Maya had reached the last page of the Lowry novel (“which is not,” she’d dare tell the argumentative nurse, “clichéd”) and, looking up, watched darkness fade and heard the long cacophony of televisions in the ward, the rising day.

Even now, she remembered—and how Jeffrey, her “boyfriend” there on the crowded Elders Ward, had stood up, fit and strong and saying “Maya—Maya, wake!” and she had stood and glided toward him, glowing. Healthy.

Amazed as everyone, in those first hours.

Yet the sole innovations required, as every news site had proclaimed, had been three abrupt discoveries— a simple molecular splicing recognized since 2012 at Institut Louis Pasteur, an earlier electrolyte-manipulation procedure, and a trivial endocrine adjustment. And lo! No more cellular degeneration! Instantaneous tissue regeneration!

Mere days later had come, side-stepping all political obstacles, the so-called “subversive” infusion of The Cure into the First World’s entire population. “To be followed immediately,” proclaimed the Rockefeller Institute, “by distribution to all the world’s peoples.”

While Maya trembled in joy, Jeffrey held her tight, sighing as new-risen libido flooded their loins, eyes tearing in forgotten tenderness.

So it began. And soon, for those infused, there was no death. Nor of chosen trees, nor of roses, of wheat or deep-rooted potatoes, bees or fireflies or cow or horse, nor of stag upon the high-peaked mountains, nor of any other living thing. Except of what each life could spare to share onto the earth. Joy reigned.

Wandering those years—those eons—Maya leaped, danced, longhaired, barefoot on some eco-prairie of some long-discovered planet of another star amid some distant galaxy. Friends sang, told stories, built a billion bridges, painted, sculpted, raised a hundred children on as many worlds. Life was exploration, ever new. Boredom, “meaning,” had no place or need in this unending, well-loved life. And, fearless, their love spread to many, to all life and lives. Their happiness. As here, lying together in the soft grass of this high-country meadow between the whispering juniper and a grandfather pine.

A new dawn, Maya thought, and “No, that’s a cliché,” and stroked Jeffrey’s thigh. A child ran past them. Softly Jeffrey sighed.

No, harshly. Harshly. He had moaned.

Had cried out. Struggling, Maya turned, fighting to lift her head, to find him in this pallid light, this painful dawn. The walls still half-dark around her, the figures groaning on their beds. As if a tableau or an archetype of lone “illness,” “dying.” As if each formed—again she thought—“a cliché.” But, feeling as if falling—rather, as if the floor beneath her bed were turning, rocking as in an earthquake, she espied, both below and above, the giant page she rode on lift, and turn—so that there, bright before her, lit as if by failing rays from some lost Eden, glowed the words (not at all like Lowry’s!) through time clichéd, “Then they awoke, and it had all been a dream.”

A very good story in NewMyths, Tom. But then, so many of your stories are so very good. . . .

Two excellent stories.
Yours goes exactly where it was driving for, Tom--indeed. Sharp!
Jeremy, so far out ahead of the curve . . . superb; t's brilliant.

Powerful tale, G.C.

VEry nicely done, Justin!Justin wrote: "You too Tom!

I spent a lot of it working on my new website:

www.justinsewall.com

It's now my place for audiobook samples, links to all of my books, blog, and any news I might have. I hope you wi..."

Read the whole thing through and I still think its tone/voice/style is very fine. Good piece! G.C. wrote: "Paula wrote: "Wonderfully fine tone/voice to your story, G.C. I've not time today to read it yet, but it's sure looking good."

Thank you Paula!"