Paula’s Comments (group member since Oct 28, 2015)

Paula’s comments from the Science Fiction Microstory Contest group.

Another fine story, Tom. Very effective--and super pacing!

Karl, that is a terrific story--well conceived, well carried through, and beautiful paced!
Chris--wonderful story. I--and I'm sure many of us--really identify with the character most the way through; super. I think there could've been a word or two of dialogue, perhaps--or something else, just a few words--to extra-point-up that revelation scene in the closet, or perhaps bring the last few lines into/as part of that scene--? But it's very strong as it is.

Sorry to hear this, Jot. Yes, I remember him/his work. May he rest in peace.

Tom wrote: "Paula wrote: "Tom, this is not much of a "critique," but I found your story fascinating, moving, and wonderful. My only criticisms: (1) there is a micto-tiny bit too much description in the first l..."
Tom, in spite of that minor criticism re the beginning paragraph, that paragraph, too, flowed, it was gloriously original, lyric, and beautiful--and unusual writing for this group, and indeed admirable.

Okay. I see that now, J.F.--probably didn't read as carefully as I should have. I now see that the "other self" effect may require the jump (triggered) from the wonderfully developed, interesting character; still, the abrupt climax-presentation of the other-half-of-the-character with its hinted future plot and universe-descrip ("My sneakers felt painfully tight and I knew my feet were splitting and my appendages were trying to push out. Hold your horses, my precious ones, I thought. We need to bide our time. We will find this rebellious non-believer and bring him back to the leader's justice but we must wait for the right time") seemed a bit too condensed; perhaps if you showed the relation (or anti-relation of this to his "..this...or that. . .or possibly that" way of thought, perhaps at/near the end, it could tie together really well.

J.F.---the story really pulled me in. And that line "So folks always kept me at a certain formal distance, or it was I keeping them, or maybe I'm just oversensitive and everything's really cool"--and the similarly done one around mid-story--are simply wonderful, great character- and tone-building. I was really with the protagonist and the story's unfolding. Until--the woman-at-the-desk paragraph seemed to pull the focus back, somehow, and then the last paragraph or so . . . I found confusing; it was nearly as if this were becoming a different sort of story. I'm wondering if the limitation here was in my reading, or whether the word count was too tight for the story you were developing.

Tom, this is not much of a "critique," but I found your story fascinating, moving, and wonderful. My only criticisms: (1) there is a micto-tiny bit too much description in the first long paragraph; (2) the end scene needed some "sharpening"/"precision"--a sensory bit about what sort of illness, perhaps, and/or a sharp visual/sensory of the two young women together--or perhaps an extra plot-twist right there. imho.

Yeah, and after that story, we'll be packing our tents straight down the trail to where there's too much light pollution for the fish to see us, I'd imagine. Brrrrr.
Nice writing, C. Lloyd!

Sweet one, Dean.

Well, actually, Jack, then we wouldn't have any "language" ("we", whether AI We or human WE or conceptual WE or. . .) in which to be "praying." To the Almighty Qizophrenia or Psycho-Q or . . . ggclipseentagleMEANT zzznada nada cuz "contradictn" "there4 DAtangL". . .
True, dat, Kalifer? Jack?

"I'm a sci-fi writer, dammit!' is the/a website of Thaddeus Howze, who was very active in this group early on and who is a prolific and rising author in sf.

Ah well, C., classic themes terrifically well done. Nice work.

Congratulations, Sam!

Good, Bill--more than well deserved!
When a story grabs one this hard emotionally, it's a keeper. Excellent work.

LOL. 2 of the 6 (or 7?) were in my top 3. And I'm pretty sure the "champion" won't be one of those in my top 12 list.
Andy wrote: "Interesting. 3 of the 6 into the next round were in my top 5. And 2 of them were amongst the 'honourable mentions' bubbling under.

I'm betting now it will be the remaining one that's not in my lis..."

Here are my critiques of the seven last stories.
Ami Hart, “Gulch Correctional Facility”—taut pacing and fine characterization draw one into this well-paced, involving tale of a prison rescue that may or may not be for the good of all.
S.M.Kratchak, “Flight”—what seems a horror story of future or alien imprisonment becomes a tale—original, well written, and intense--of hard-gained metamorphosis.
Andy G, “Maturity”—from childhood to the top of life’s lightshow, or is it an elevator, as a clearly delineated lively girl, or 172-year-old woman, chooses through divergent time.
Laura, “Trading at the G and G”—a well written fun-Western-variation on post-nuclear-holocaust tropes.
Rich Magahiz, “Not So High and Mighty”—brought back to life without a body, this “talking head” talks back to the immortals, trading gloat for gloat.
Jeremy McLain, “NSA”—“You will always live in the Cloud,” says the voice at the processing center into Chuck’s ear not long before his brain cells are harvested. Taut and well-paced.
Ron Jones, “Hemoglobin”—a tale in the form of high-tech job ads, funny and macabre.

Continuing my critiques (six more still to come)
Karl, “Eight Seconds”—succinct and powerful, a surprisingly poignant time-travel tale of a very sad terrorist, with a twist
Spencer, “Karen’s Birthday”—told in flashback, this story makes one wish to see its scenes unfold and to get to know the very appealing characters
JD Mitchell, “Play It Again, Sam”—fascinating and mysterious, this tale crosses steampunk with language play with elegant characterization and what must be called a kidnapping
Lars Carlson, “Mike”—a love story in this tale of lonely asteroid miners who manage to endure
Graham Ryan, “The Ruby”—beautifully suspenseful close-in third-person (well, third-alien) tale with sharply “now” vocabulary and a surprise ending
Neill Burnham, “A Policeman’s Reward”—action-packed, this story of a police officer shows him getting a deliciously gourmet reward.
Bobby Warner, “Star Song”—tragic echoes of Challenger linger in this tale—a story with emotion and enormous potential.
Frank Abitt, “Oldman and the Sea”—a genuinely suspenseful tale of a well-characterized woman’s struggle to escape, aided by an unexpected, beneficent whale, from strange sea-creature captors.
Tyler Burnworth, “Terminus”—a taut tale told in dialogue by a vaguely rendered antagonist, Cyto, to the clear, strong Trisella; the wonderfully understated ending works.
Helen Doran-Wu, “Drones Don’t Trade”—Foreboding reminiscences pervade this realistically detailed, evocative tale of humans and a part-robot ally’s battle preparations.
Andy McKell, “Then, as Now”—a deliciously rendered, topically satirical, very well written portrayal of a meeting between Odin of the North, and Zeus of the Mediterranean South as they discuss, over “that glop, hummus” and other delicacies, the problems trade and of mideastern refugees.
Elana Gomel, “The New Story of Cinderella”—wonderfully written, this layered and evocative Cinderella story contains, alone with cleverly in-depth characters, a sharp, quick mouthful of elegantly rendered feminism.
MacKenzie Hames, “Monster or Madness”—a reluctant vampire’s preparations as the full moon of Hallowe’en nears.
Peter Roach, “Hallowe’en Night: Anytown, USA”—a brilliantly written piece of postmodernist, horrific, humorous tall-tale-telling that leaves one both gasping and laughing. Perhaps could be a bit tighter in spots, but mostly very well paced—nice work.
D.M.Custis, “Zachary and the Sky Empire”—a man in a plane that an A.I. controls, the man’s remembrance of humanity’s weather experiments that have left few humans alive, all living in the sky, and a hint that the man is not sane.
Karl Freitag, “G Moon”—well yes, Google this one. Quick and to the point, a nice, slick job.
Clement Chow, “Mirrored Front-to-Back”—a man wakes in 2154 from cryo sleep and receives the skill to mirror things point-to-back by pointing at them. Perhaps the details cloud this tale’s description of the harm the new skill brings.
Timothy Paul, “Common Ground”—taut but sweet, gently moving tale of a human and an alien negotiating, with very high stakes for both.
John Appius Quill, “Itzamna”—in which a scarab on the world of Itquatl brings a cure, and time travel becomes possible. Very good dialogue. There is great potential for this story at greater length.

Thank you, Jot. And we on the West Coast get to 11:59pm tomorrow PST, I hope. Since it's gonna be needed. . . .

Thanks, Andy. I'm trying to do the best critiquing I can in such rushed bits. Glad if my remarks were helpful.Andy wrote: "Thanks for your comments, Paula - all interesting.

And thanks for your kind comments on mine. A couple of elements (historical and current) in there drawn from our Chinese family and friends, and..."

Oh, I didn't mean critiquing should be required--just that even doing a line or two of shared-out-there critiquing of a piece makes one focus on that piece more clearly.